Would you find this an odd attitude?

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Registered: 04-03-2003
Would you find this an odd attitude?
5
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 11:01am
I am a single virgin who was with a group of married women on an overnight shopping trip. They are in their 30s. When everyone was sitting around talking, the conversation turned to sex. Some of the women there mentioned how they thought sex was more important to men and how they could take it or leave it. One even said she had to go to counseling with her husband because she found it so disgusting and something she could do without. I said that I had some friends who enjoyed it and spoke well of it. One said that some girls lied because they wanted to get a boyfriend. I thought most of what they said was poppycock. I thought most of their problems could be due to bad attitude, lack of knowing what to do, and unlike most people. I told my mother about this (We are both adults and talk about some of these things.) and she thought they were shocking and something was off. What is your opinion of something like this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:12pm

I'm sure there are some people who don't like sex, don't find it pleasurable and could care less about it but for the most part, I would also wonder about their relationship as a whole and/or what reasons for them not enjoying sex, whether it's due to their partner not knowing how to pleasure them, the women not being able to let their partner know what their wants, needs and desires are, due to something in the past that gives them a poor attitude towards sex, sexual abuse, being brought up that sex is dirty and only men like it, etc.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:31pm

I agree with you and your Mother! It's unfortunate, but there are women out there who DO feel that way, and as you said.....it's because of their own "repressions", or possibly because they're with a man who doesn't know what he's doing during sex.

Fifty or sixty years ago, the general attitude was that sex was for men, and women didn't enjoy it, but it was their "duty" to provide it for the man in their life. Unfortunately, most men in those days believed the same thing. They didn't think it was necessary to please a woman, or even if they did, they didn't have a clue WHAT would please a woman. Then, and even now, many men think that putting a penis in a vagina is "making love".

In the seventies, women woke up! They realized that sex should mean pleasure for both parties, and they started demanding pleasure. Some women did.....and others weren't interested. Some men balked......but some got with it and learned that it was as much pleasure to GIVE pleasure as it was to receive. When I was married 51 years ago, oral sex wasn't considered foreplay, or a substitute for intercourse...it was considered perverted, and most women thought only prostitutes did that!

I was divorced in the mid-seventies. My attitude toward sex was that it was "nice"...but I could have lived without it! That was because my ex didn't have a clue, and didn't WANT to have a clue. My ex was my first, but after I was divorced, I joined the sexual revolution, and I found out what I'd been missing! Some women have never found that out.

Several years ago, a friend of mine who was in her sixties was bemoaning that her last child had left the nest, and what would she do with herself now? Jokingly, I suggested that she get naked and chase her husband around the house, now that they had some privacy. There was a moment's silence, and then she said, UGH, we gave up that stuff years ago, after our last child was born! THAT is sad, but it's typical of women like your friends.

It's all in attitude, and the attitude of the partner. I'm 70, and I'm still sexually active, and LOVE it. But, I didn't lock myself into the ideas that I had when I was younger, and I found a man who understands what real sexuality is.

It's kind of like not liking broccoli as a child, and 40-50 years later, still refusing to try it.....because our tastes DO change as we grow up and mature. I absolutely hated mushrooms as a child and young adult. When I was in my 40's I tried them, and now I love them! If I'd never tried them again, I would never have known what I was missing.

Keep your positive and optimistic attitude....it will serve you much better than your friends' negativity. The ones who think it's only for men......are the ones who's husbands will be out cheating, trying to find the "passion" that they don't get at home.

There's a lot more to a good marriage than sex, but without it......it's sad. It's like air.....you don't miss it until you don't have it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 3:07pm
Chances are there were other women sitting at that table who really enjoy sex but were afraid to speak up after a few people started talking about how they didn't like it. Sometimes people do have legitimate reasons for not wanting sex with their spouses, like maybe the person never makes any effort to bathe or maybe they are just a complete jerk. My sister found sex with her ex-husband to be really gross after she found out that he had been sexually abusing his sister. In most cases though, it is just that they have a lower libido than their spouses. If you are the person with the lower libido, I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that sex is not as important to you, as long as you understand that it is important to the spouse and you make an effort to accomodate them. It also doesn't sound like most of the women were saying that sex is bad or dirty, just that they are not that into it themselves. But you are right that trying to maintain a good attitude and figuring out what works to turn you on can make it better.



Edited 7/5/2006 3:46 pm ET by rosewater99
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:10am
I'm surprised that a bunch of women in their thirties would feel this way. I can't say that I know any women that *don't* enjoy sex. Certainly in this day and age most people generally think of sex positively unless they've got a good reason not to, or have had an upbringing that has tainted their perceptions of how sex should be. It does sound very strange that you have found a *group* of women that claim that they don't like sex. Odd.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:10am

One out of four women report being molested or raped before the age of 18 in our country. So, no, I don't think that attitude about sex is that surprising, really. Just makes sense.

And there are likely millions of other victims who have never told a soul about their traumatic pasts. Those women will also have their enjoyment and desire for sex be impaired to some degree.

A HEALTHY woman will desire and enjoy sex, a traumatized one likely won't.

I don't think our reasons for liking or disliking anything are ever simple though...particularly, when it comes to sex.




Edited 7/6/2006 11:16 am ET by katmandoo2001