Wrong to feel hurt and unwanted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wrong to feel hurt and unwanted?
8
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:32pm

Last night before my boyfriend got home from school. I took a shower, shaved, and put on something a little sexy underneath my clothes for him to find later.
After we got home we went outside together were he noticed the sexy undies I had on for him. They did not excatly take he mind off things like I was hoping. We went inside where he studies for a test tomorrow, which I completely understand.
After ward he watches tv, until I practically push him off the couch to take a shower. Then he comes back and goes into his computer room to look on the web. Frustrated I end up going to bed.I am wrong to feel unwanted and hurt but he lack of action. I mean come on I do not put on crotchless underwear and see through tops for myself. He had to know that I wanted something....

I know that he was home most of the day yesterday looking at pronography on the web and probably jacking away. I think this is what bothers me most. I do not mind him looking at it. But it really makes me feel worse that he had the time and attention for it and himself and not me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 12:15am

I'm wondering what kind of communication was going on between the two of you. If you never directly said "I wanted something..", then with all the things flowing in his head when should "He had to know that I wanted something.."?

If sex is what I want, I have never let it be up to man to "notice". They always hear it directly from my mouth. That way, if they're not in the mood, I'm usually guaranteed to get hugs and cuddling.

Now if you verbally addressed your needs to him and he never responded, then no you're not wrong for feeling hurt. Unwanted, IMO, maybe too bold a word to use in your situation! After enduring him ignoring you for over four years, then you'd have a right to feel unwanted. Just my two-cents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:16am

I think that you have every right to feel unwanted. I don't think that you should feel hurt by it though. Yes, he did have an exam the next day so his mind might have been more focused on that than sex. Yes, he might have been masturbating during the day while he looked at pornography and his libido was probably low that night, but I don't think you can blame that either. If he knew that he was going to be having sex that night he may not have masturbated to orgasm that day. If he masturbated to porn all the time and it regularly affects your sex life then Yes, it would be a problem. If it happened once, it may be bad timing rather than a problem.

You didn't actually make a move on him or tell him what you wanted either. Being a guy, he simply may not have taken the hint. And he probably wasn't terribly horney because he'd masturbated earlier. That would mean that he was less likely to make the first move. However, I doubt that he would have turned you down if you had made the first move. Wearing sexy underwear is a hint. Kissing him, touching him, even unzipping him and fondling him - those things are first moves.

Try to be a bit more assertive and forward next time.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 6:42am

Along with what others have said, I'm curious why you pushed him off the couch into the shower and THEN expected sex from him? For starters, I don't know about him but personally I don't like to have sex right after showering because... well, I just got clean, the last thing I want to do is get all sweaty and sticky immediately. And secondly, if you're so eager push him into the shower before having sex (and don't even join him in the shower!) ... that's not really a sign that you "want something from him", is it? He may have been thinking "well, maybe she wanted sex earlier when she put that underware on but she sure doesn't seem up for it now if she's rather I took a shower."

I agree with westridge... try to be more forward next time. Don't just put on sexy underware and expect him to jump on you as soon as he's done studying.... Next time try striping down TO the crotchless undies and then I'm sure he'll get the hint that you still want to have sex that night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:52am

I am always the one to get things started. For once I thought it would be nice if he did.
He use to all the time now I feel like if I want sex I am the one that has to start things and it kind of makes me feel less wanted.
I would probably be over this by now if he would talk to me about it but he hasn't.
I sent him an email while I was at work yesterday trying to explain to him that way it made me feel and he has not said one thing to me about it. Last night at home he acted as if nothing was wrong.

Oh yeah I had him take a shower because he had not taken one all day long and was out in the garage messing with his bike during the day. We live in florida so it is hot and he sweats easily, I just wanted him to be a little cleaner then what he was. I do not think that was wrong of me.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:17am

Well, that's a different story... if you feel sexually neglected ALL the time then I have a bit more understanding of why you felt that way but you didn't share that information with us until now.

You need to sit down and talk with him about it, don't just write him an email. I don't know how often he checks his email but it's possible he may not have even read it yet and thats why he hasn't mentioned it! Even if you know he's read it, he might be assuming that since you haven't talked to him face to face about it, you're not expecting an answer and that you just wanted to "get it off your chest". He might feel that if it were a big issue, you wouldn't just be emailing him. You say he hasn't talked to you about it but unless you have even more info you're not sharing with it, it again sounds like you're not making your feelings clear enough to him... no offense guys, but some men don't take hints very well, you need to say it to him loud and clear, face to face if you want him to get the picture. Even if he can take a hint, it's better for your relationship if you two can sit down and communicate, not just email or hope he's getting your vibe.

"Oh yeah I had him take a shower because he had not taken one all day long and was out in the garage messing with his bike during the day. We live in florida so it is hot and he sweats easily, I just wanted him to be a little cleaner then what he was. I do not think that was wrong of me."

I didn't say it was wrong of you to do it, I just thought it could very well have given him the opposite sign of what you really wanted without you intending it to.

However, personally I try to refrain from doing stuff like that with my fiance because the last thing I want to do is become his mother so I try not to ever nag him about things like that. He's 30 yrs old, he can take care of himself and shower when he likes lol. Plus, I try to think of how I would like it if he nagged me about stuff like that. I would be pretty annoyed if he tried to push me off the couch and into the shower.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 7:51pm

This goes deeper than sex on one day. You really need to talk to him about this since it's been going on for a while. The email is a good start but I don't think that it will replace an honest heart-to-heart with him.

Do you think that his libido has dropped away? Is it a matter of clashing libidoes where you want sex more often than he does? Or has he simply stopped initiating sex so often and is letting you make the first move? I know that you wanted him to make the first move, but throwing the responsibility to him once when he used to you doing it isn't the way to do it. He's not going to think of making the move and it probably didn't cross his mind that you were in the mood simply because you didn't start anything like usual.

I think making him shower is fine. My partner and I usually shower before sex simply because we're busy people and if I'm going to be using my mouth and body on hers then I'd like us to both be clean at the end of the day when we do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:36am

You're not "wrong" to feel hurt and unwanted, but you're wasting your time and energy feeling that way. You seem to think your b/f is psychic, and can read your mind about what you want. Hint: most guys are NOT psychic.

So you put on sexy underwear. Some women always wear sexy underwear, that's not a big red flag that someone wants sex. (exactly how did he notice "crotchless" panties when you were outside?)

You say that he always used to initiate sex, but he doesn't anymore, and it makes you feel unwanted when you have to do it. Well, have you ever wondered if maybe HE felt unwanted when he always had to do it? BOTH people should initiate sex....it's not or shouldn't always be up to the guy! They have feelings too! They can think exactly what YOU think....."she doesn't seem interested unless I start it, maybe she's lost interest in me!"

It's understandable that you sent him for a shower, and as Westridge said, being clean as possible should be a requisite for sex.....but why couldn't you have said something like "honey, how about US taking a shower?" You could have said something like "get in the shower, and I'll be waiting in bed when you get out"!

Again, guys aren't psychic! If you just said "go take a shower", he might have felt that you were telling him that he stinks!

I get the feeling that you think he's there just to make you feel good, and feel wanted. Yes, that's true, but you're supposed to be doing the same thing for him. A relationship is TWO people, and BOTH people should make their partner feel good, and feel wanted.

You two need to learn to communicate. Sending him an e-mail from work is ridiculous....whatever you told him in the e-mail should have been said to his face! If you feel hurt and unwanted, then you need to TELL him that, and discuss it with him, and see what HE's feeling....it might be the same for him. Making you happy is NOT his job...it's up to you to be happy, and if you're not, then it's up to you to tell him that, and figure out a solution that can make you both happy.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:21am

The time to discuss this was when you felt the rejection and hurt, not days later. What troubles me most is that he is making time to look at porn and masturbate instead of having sex with you. That's like a slap in the face to a woman.

IF you feel neglected, then you are being neglected. Perhaps, not intentionally, but the result is the same.

Talk with him and let him know that you aren't willing to sit back and wait until HE'S in the mood for sex. Your needs should be at least as important as his and he should try and meet them to the best of his ability at the time. This WILL cause further problems in your relationship if not addressed face to face and soon.