Yes - Let's Talk About Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Yes - Let's Talk About Sex
4
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:53am
Hi I'm new here.

I have a GYN/Sex issue that is having an effect on my new relationship. I started a new relationship with a man 17 years my senior!!! However, despite the 17 year age gap between us, we get along great and it seems like we have a lot in common. We really enjoy spending time with each other and we're making future plans for a road trip and other special outings! Everything is going well except for the bedroom thing.

This man is relatively attractive and he is in great physical shape for his age. He also thinks I am very attractive and said that my last BF lost out big time because I am beautiful. He also loves to kiss me from head to toe because he says he loves my body.

Ok, Ok so what's the problem? Well we've slept together twice already and neither one of us had an orgasm yet. I never climax during regular intercourse - only during oral sex. However, with the new guy, I don't climax during oral sex either! Now don't get me wrong, my new BF is very skilled and I am truly enjoying what he is giving me. I spoke to my Dr. about my situation and he says that I am normal and that the vast majority of women do not orgasm during regular intercourse. And my new BF said the same thing to me last night.

Also (and I apologize in advance if this is too graphic), my new man is very large (I estimate that he is about 7" long and about 2 inches thick), and I actually feel him hitting my cervix during intercourse. This hurts!! Is this normal?

Now his problem . . . Like I said before, he has not had an orgasm with me either, even though he *says* he came twice already. Now I know every man is different but, all the men in my past (which aren't that many by the way) have climaxed. My new man stated that, unlike those other men, he does not orgasm each and every time he has sex. Could this be true?

We had a heart-to-heart talk last night where he expressed some concern about my inability to orgasm. He specifically stated that *Most women cheat on their men because they can't have an orgasm* and at another point in the conversation he asked me if I have a high sex drive (I previously told him that I am very sexual when the chemistry is right). I told him that I will never cheat on him and that he is an excellent lover. I also told him that I am attracted to him and my inability to have an orgasm has nothing to do with how I feel about him. I'm starting to think that this issue may become a huge problem in our relationship. On the other hand, my BF is very mature and he even said that relationships are more than just sex.

As a side note, we're both coming out of prior bad relationships with our Ex partners. In fact, my new BF lives about 15 minutes away from my Ex (how ironic). They are practically neighbors! And although me and my BF are still getting to know each other, my BF seems very interested in my Ex and he is always asking me questions about my Ex and our old relationship. On the other hand, when I ask my BF about his Ex and their old realationship, he expresses anger and says that he's not ready to talk about her yet because he is so upset. My BF also has an 18 year old kid and he says that the kid doesn't get along with her mom (my BF's Ex) either.

What is your take on all this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:14pm

My take on this is, it's a new relationship and the both of you have to become more comfortable with each other sexually and learn from each other.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:32pm
Thank you for your thorough reply Tish!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:31pm
You've got a lot of problems here, none of which has to do with orgasms, the lack of orgasms, or cheating (?). You're both in the "rebound" mode, which isn't favorable for new relationships. You've had sex twice. That is certainly not enough to learn each others rhythms and needs.

It's not unusual for a man to hold back his ejaculation....that's a part of tantric sex! If he doesn't ejaculate, he can maintain his erection longer. (Somehow I doubt he's doing it purposely, though!) Either way, it's not unusual.

What I don't understand is why he thinks it's perfectly alright for him, but he's questioning YOU for the same exact thing! You said he's full of anger from his previous relationship, and I wonder if he's taking out that mistrust and anger on you. Maybe his wife never had orgasms....and he somehow equates that with problems. The man needs to learn about women's physiology, and learn that some women NEVER have orgasms....that doesn't mean anything, they just haven't learned how, or have a partner that doesn't know how to help them get there. They can completely enjoy sex without orgasms. You say that he's completely mature, and even he says there is more to a relationship than sex. However, he can SAY that, but does he really believe that? Maturity has nothing to do with it. Self esteem is what's at play here.

As for the cervix problem, that can be very painful...and all you can do is find positions where it doesn't happen, and he can help by not thrusting so hard!

The best thing you can do is try to educate him about YOU (since you are different than any other partner he's ever had!) and both of you need to stop analyzing what's happening, or not happening, and just learn to ENJOY. The orgasms will come when you're more comfortable with him sexually. No matter how much you like him, and how well you know him, sex is something that takes time to be at ease with. For you to have orgasms with him, you have to trust him completely, and I don't think you do yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:03pm
Very well greenteabag. Thank you for your advice.