Younger woman Older man Sex Issue Help!!
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Younger woman Older man Sex Issue Help!!
| Wed, 11-02-2005 - 4:26pm |
Hi i am a 28 year old female and i have been with a 41 man now for one year this past week. Our relationship started out like most hot and heavy great sex (or so i thought) and very frequent. I am very attracted to this man,he mentally stimulates me and makes me laugh but i also think he is very sexy. We can talk and laugh and have a good time but anymore when it comes to the bedroom there is literially nothing going on. Past 4 mths we have had sex 3 times and here i am again going on a little over a mth and still no sex. I was not the intial person to start things i was weird like that but i have def been the one who starts the foreplay on him now and have been that way for about 5 mths,he does not do this to me at all anymore. He tends to think about other things like will i get pregnant? I am not able to use bc pills or anything with hormones due to health problems right now and he knows this,but he will not wear condoms either, although i have seen him have condoms around his place before he has obviously used before. It makes me angry to know i have to be the one to protect myself and he cannot do the same. He also gets upset with me because i do not give him oral as much as he would like ,i have a problem with this i was raped at 15 and that act was forced on me and i just do not enjoy it. He used to give me oral and he has stopped this as well. Sex is not the biggest deal to me but it does mean a form of intamcy to me and it needs to be there more than once every month or 2 i mean i am not used to this and its really bugging me. I have never had a problem with men before i have dated that do not want sex as much as i do and im very confused (and yes i have dated a 40 year old man before he was not like this at all).I just feel like i should not be the one only to start the act or wear something sexy i even go down on him when i dont really want to but i know he likes it, i just havent the desire to even want sex with him much anymore because he acts like he has not sexually intrest in me it drives me away,but as i said before it was not like that in the beginning. I have even told him what i like when it comes to sex(he has never done any of them mind you) but he will not tell me what he likes. I beleive if it is going to work at all in that area we both need to know what we want, i wish i could read minds. I usually do not write about these things on the net but i really need some advice here. Any thing at this point would help i do not want to sound selfish but i feel it is making a strain on our relationship and it makes me upset or should i say i stress this issue alot lately,What should i do?

Have you sat down with him outside of the bedroom and let him know how you're feeling?
This has nothing to do with age, his age or your age. There are younger men who are the same way, and there are 70 year old men who want sex every day. This has to do with his controlling attitude, selfishness, laziness, and probably the fact that he's "got" you now, so he doesn't feel it necessary to consider your feelings.
What do you do? You talk to him about your feelings, you try to find a compromise, or you learn to live without satisfying sex. If you can't do that, then I'd say there's not much reason to stay in the relationship. "Mental stimulation" isn't enough to carry a good relationship if you're frustrated in other areas.
There are non-hormonal birth control methods such as the diaphragm or the female condom, but if he's so worried about you getting pregnant, then I'd think he'd be willing to use a condom......but again, it seems like it's going to be his way or no way.
It's possible that all of this is "punishment" for you because you don't like giving him oral, but that's just another form of controlling and selfishness. Have you had any professional help regarding the abuse in your past? If not, then you should look into that and you might be able to get over your dislike of oral. Although there's nothing that says you HAVE to like it or do it.....if you expect to get it (from him or anyone else) then you should be willing to reciprocate.
Start talking, and let him know that you aren't going to be "controlled" and you have just as much right to satisfaction as he does. If you can't get an acceptable compromise out of him......then you have to decide if you can live with that.
I'm sure that he has noticed and probably not been impressed by the reduced frequency of sex too.
So neither of you want to get pregnant? Is that right?
I can't figure out if he WANTS you pregnant or DOESN'T want you pregnant. If he does not want children then I do not know what he is thinking. Any normal man would understand that you have the health problems and understand that you can't use the pill. They would then start using condoms. Noone LIKES condoms but they are necessary. I don't know what is going through his mind.
If he wants you pregnant his plan is backfiring badly and has ended up with neither of you having sex.
He gets mad about not enough oral sex: Now that's just being selfish. Oral sex is great, but it has to go both ways and I don't think that there is a woman alive that can give a man all the oral sex he wants. Guys love it. But there have to be limits and he has to give back as much as he takes too. And then there is the rape to consider. I'm amazed that he makes you feel bad at all. He should be quietly pleased that you can bring yourself to perform it as much as you do and have done with your history. He's just being controlling and selfish with this one.
>>and have been that way for about 5 mths,he does not do this to me at all anymore.<<
He's being lazy and it's all wrapped up with the other problems too.
The worst thing about the whole situation is that he probably thinks that you've stopped doing the sexy things that he likes and he's annoyed with that and thinks that you are being unreasonable, and blames you for the lack of sex.
Fourty or fourteen or twenty four, age doesn't matter. This guy is acting like a lazy, selfish, somewhat controlling guy.
Thanks for your insight. Ya i def dont want to be pregant nor does my doc with my thyroid the way it is right now. Plus i have 2 kids already and i am not ready for more. Its just me finding the right form of bc that will work with my condition. And i agree with you i dont understand the condom thing with himi mean hes 41 he knows better and i have never once had a man tell me before hes not wearing one me being on bc or not if i had asked.
The selfishness i totally agree with you on on his part i have expressed that to him. I kindof feel i am being that way too sometimes because i am trying really hard to be mature about this and discuss it so he knows what i want and sometimes i get sooo frustrated if i dont get it myself. Oh and btw he made a comment to me over this past weekend we were laughing having a good time telling jokes before we went to sleep, i decided i would go ahead and massage him and play around a bit and he says too me after maybe 15 mins i said whats wrong he was laughing he says" oh nothing i was just wondering if you ever touched a dick before cause you seem like your doing it like a 12 year old". Well i turned the other way i almost walked out that really made me feel low.
Crying and upset he said sorry didnt mean to make you feel bad which i didnt belive i got more angry and said"well have you ever ate a anyone out before?" he got mad and was like i have this much tolerance i said ya and so do i. I was sooo mad i dont know why i didnt leave before that but i stuck around and said look never say that to me again not COOL! I said if you have a problem with me you need to show me or tell me not say things like that cuz that just drives me furthur away. I feel in a way this is kindof what hes doing to me driving me away and he knows it , although im not sure why..........
He does not give me oral at all any more i cant remeber the last time frankly and with that it makes me not want to give it to him whether he likes it or not cuz hes not giving to myself Pushes me away over time. I have tried to compromise with him and as i said he has no response to me. I mean hes a grown man why cant it be discussed easier? I just dont get it maybe im approcroaching it wrong? I have thought about ending it from time to time but i feel i would make a big mistake if i do and ending it over sex i feel i am being selfish about that. I know i deserve as much as he does its just getting what i want and what he does in return is the battle.....
What this boils down to is that he'll do what he wants, and doesn't care what you want. As long as you accept it, that's how it will be. He's selfish, he's insulting, he ogles other women in front of you, and he's controlling. He's taking away your self respect, and you're allowing him to do it. You have a medical condition, and he doesn't even care about the consequences if you should happen to get pregnant.
He doesn't want to "talk about it" now? When DOES he want to talk about it? He's basically treating you like a dog, and you feel guilty for being unhappy about it?
I don't care how mentally stimulating he is, he's a jerk, and he's destroying you. If you don't want to continue being treated this way, then you have to stand up for yourself, or you have to face the fact that he doesn't care about you or your feelings, and get out of the relationship.
Why should you feel selfish about wanting to be happy? Isn't that what a relationship is supposed to do? Make you happy? If it's not making you happy, and he refuses to even discuss YOUR feelings, then why are you still there? Do you think he's going to be struck by lightning and change? He's not going to change. Either you have to accept his treatment, or you have to get out of this toxic relationship.
He is hearing you, he just doesn't care what you have to say and doesn't care about your feelings.
To the OP,
Tish and Dakine are right. You said that you would feel bad about ending it over sex. Well, consider this: It's not about sex.
This guy is controlling and doesn't care about you. He's insulting. The 12yo comment is just completely rude. No normal guy would make a stupid degrading comment like that. I guess that he thought that if he made you feel stupid that you would try harder to do what he wants. What kind of person thinks like that and thinks that they can keep a person interested in a relationship with them? He just wants what he wants and when he wants it without worrying about your feelings. I'm sure if you think about it, you'll see that this has been happening in other areas of your life with him, not just with sex. The thing is, you've only really noticed it in your sex life because you can't just go along with what he wants when it comes to sex. Sex is about two people getting what they want and you are definitely not getting what you want. So you've noticed what's really happening. In other parts of your life, I'm sure that you will realise that you have just been going along with everything that he wants to do too.
If I were you, I would really have to look at this relationship and think about what I wanted. This guy is not going to change no matter what you do. And even if he tried, it'd only last for a few weeks before it went back to how it was. It wouold be different if this guy did have SOME feelings for you and some consideration for your feelings, but it doesn't sound like he thinks about your feelings or health or body or needs or wants AT ALL! Sure, he probably thinks that he takes great care of you, but he's so busy telling you what he THINKS that you want that he's completely unaware of what you really want and need. Do you REALLY want to be with someone like that?