Your thoughts about this affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Your thoughts about this affair.
16
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:01pm
Interesting weekend for me. I caught up with some friends from out of town. Here's a story (I've re-hashed it a bit and added some background) as related to me through the grapevine about a girl that I know and was reasonably good friends with when I worked with her for a while:

She's been working for this guy in a smallish business for about four years now. She started when she was 15 and working part-time while attending school. She joined the business full-time after leaving school and worked her way up through several positions. He recently finished working at the establishment and transferred to another city with his wife.

One of his last duties was to sew up a business deal out of town (it wasn't actually a business deal as such but I won't go into the details) with some junior colleagues. She, with some others, had done all the legwork for it over several months so they needed to go too. The deal was successful, they had dinner and a few drinks to celebrate. Not drunk, tipsy apparently.

She had fancied him for some time and got him alone later in the evening, making a serious move on him. He had never approached her or ever given her any indication of anything more than a good working relationship. They had sex.

The next morning he said he hoped she understood but he loved his wife, appreciated last night and was flattered, but didn't want anything more to come of it. She was OK with that as she didn't want anything more either - apparently she was quite happy with having had just one night with him. She had a b/f herself, but been curious about what he would be like in bed for a long time.

So, apparently, they both go off happily back to their respective partners. I should mention that he is 34 and she is just 19.

Any thoughts? I guess my question is how would you feel if your husband did that to you? If you somehow found out, would his little speech the next morning go towards changing your opinion of the cheating and your reaction to it? I must admit that I'm a little taken aback by it all.

I await the next installment. Although it was a close friend of hers (and mine) that told me about this it seems to me that too many people know about it. I have to wonder if it will remain a secret.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:28pm

I guess my question is how would you feel if your husband did that to you?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:53pm
Hi,

I think that if I found out that Dh had an affair, under any circumstances, It would probably be over for us. He knows that I feel this way. I can not imagine that I would ever be able to forgive or trust him again. I know that this sounds blunt and maybe even shallow but, If he wanted to be with someone else, I would much rather have him leave me first, I could learn to live with out him, It is the decipt that I could not bear. Fortunately, I have not yet been in that situitation so, although this is where I stand on the issue of infidility, when faced with the reality of the situiation, my reaction could be different. I would never criticize anyone who tried to save a relationship after an affair.

Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 11:06pm
I don't know that I would consider this an 'affair' but rather a drunken one night stand and I feel differently about what I would do in the two different circumstances.

An affair, in which there was time and emotion involved, going towards another woman instead of myself, I could not tolerate and I don't think I could live with DH afterwards. But something like this? I wouldn't be happy and I would have no hesitation about letting him know it, it would take a long time for me to be able to trust him and he would definitely have to *earn* that trust, it would hurt me horribly and he might have to give a few things up (such as nights out with 'the guys' or dinners to which spouses couldn't go) but I would be willing to stay and try to work through it. I would not break up our family and take a good father away from my sons over one night. Not after almost 20 years of marriage and all we've been through. And not if it was someone he never had any feelings for and had no intention of ever seeing again.

I used to say things like "I couldn't take it, he'd be out the door...." but that was in my younger and more naive days, lol. Now I can see how someone might be willing to stay, especially the longer you've been married. I don't know that any of us can say with any certainty that we would do AB&C in any situation until you've actually been in it. Walking away isn't as easy as it sounds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 2:19am
I wouldn't work it out. The age difference says nothing to me. How selfish, how utterly selfish. His speech was too little too late. It should have been told to her when she made a move and been his reason for NOT doing it. So what if he was curious? How could he hurt his wife so deeply out of a curiosity? One night stands are uglier than an affair(IMHO), atleast an affair shows the person is human and attaches feelings. To hurt someone for meaningless sex is disgusting.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 10:54am

I agree with you Tally.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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anonymous user
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 2:41pm
Sorry I have to disagree. I`ve been there, and once a long time wife (or hubby) cheats on you , you NEVER again view them in the same light. Everytime you have sex , you are reminded of your S.O. being with someone else. Sex is never the same and the relationship suffers. The fact that there was someone else that got to share what you held as sacred changes everything. I agree with the poster that said that a one nighter is worse. Throw away all that trust, all that love , run the risk of totally destroying the life of your mate over sex is an incredibly selfish, uncaring, and disrespectful act.

I dont buy the line .."well it was just sex." Is there anything more sacred or more intimate in the human experiance than the act of sex? (maybe only saving someones life).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 10:59pm
cl-issytish said:

>>No, his speech would make no difference at all. He had sex with someone else, bottom line.<<

Interesting. I think that it would make some difference to me if I was the wife. I'm unsure if it would be a significant difference, and it might actually make me more furious.

Tally33 said:

>>I used to say things like "I couldn't take it, he'd be out the door...." but that was in my younger and more naive days, lol.<<

I think that's my view of things too. I used to feel very strong about it when I was younger too. Now, I think that I'd have to consider the time and effort invested in a realtionship as well as the depth of betrayal before I made my final decision.

yarn_lover said:

>>One night stands are uglier than an affair(IMHO),<<

I think that I take the opposite view. I think that the affairs are worse. I feel that one night of giving in to temptation is different than a long-term concious and concerted effort to deceive and hide your actions. Both are terribly hurtful, of course.

Thanks guys. I thought it'd be interesting to see a real-life example of cheating and see the responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:56am
I'm only speaking for myself, not what others should do. *I* do not think I would throw away all the years together and tear the family apart over one night. I also think *I* would have a harder time with a long term emotional affair than a one night stand. Knowing that he had sex with someone would be bad enough, but knowing he had loved someone else would kill me.

I am well aware that it would change things and never be the same again. I never said they would. But I also know couples who have been in this situation and somehow managed to overcome that 'one night' and make it work again. It's not impossible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:20pm
I don't think we are the only ones who believe this way. Most marriages affected by cheating do stay together. Although I don't know about you Tally, but I would probably create a few tortures for my husband should he decide to cheat. He might wish I would let him loose, lol.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 8:08pm
As I've told DH before, he'd better make d*mn sure that his little piece on the side is worth all the grief he's going to get from me. I could see myself trying to work it out but it wouldn't be just a forgive and forget situation either.

That being said, I also think there are definitely times when sex is....just sex, as opposed to a previous poster. I can't speak for everyone, but I can certainly look back and know that there were times in my life before marriage where sex wasn't an intimate, close connection but just a physical act between two people. And certainly there were times when any emotional or intimate feeling was one-sided and not shared by both of us. I can't fool myself that every guy I was ever with (not that there were *that* many!) was feeling some deep soulful connection with me, although I would have liked to believed so at the time.

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