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| Tue, 06-07-2005 - 3:07pm |
My husband is suffering from brain cancer and is undergoing chemo treatment. I've FINALLY accepted that we probably wont' have sex ever again. I love him dearly and understand the amount of drugs he's on and all his treatment is preventing him from feeling sexually aroused. We kiss (actually I kiss him) and hold hands a lot. But nothing more. I tried talking to him but he seems very unresponsive. I don't want to push him. I tried so many times to initiate things but always get rejected. I offered BJs, kisses everywhere, ask if I could have a ride, or if he wants a ride, etc. Its getting to the point where I feel so unattractive and unwanted. I do everything for him (cook, clean, give him showers, bring him juice, medication, doctor's appointments, help him adjsut his right side 3-4 times a night, etc.) because his right side is weak and right arm is non mobile . And for me to ask to be pleasured is too much for him, I guess. yes. maybe I do sense resentment. and feel ashamed of myself for even wanting anything since he's fighting a very aggresive cancer (with average life span of 6months to two years). This July will be his two year mark and he's doing very well.
SO... rather than making him feel uncomfortable and keep asking him for some physical loving, I've accepted to go solo going forward. I miss the physical contact with another human being---the downside.
I will not have an affair. I love my hsuband too much.
Any thoughts you have would be greatful. thanks in advance.

Coldreality, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I so sympathize with your predicament. You love your DH but you can't express it sexually anymore and that has to be the ultimate in frustration.
You're human though and you still have needs. I hope that you are taking care of your self by providing the sexual gratification you still need for your own mental and physical health.
No, it's not the same but it can help to alleviate some of the frustration. Have you thought of asking him if he would like to watch or participate in your solo activity? Who knows? It might remind him of what he's missing and encourage him to do more than just watch.
God bless you both!
I'm so sorry for what you are both going through...
My Mother-in-law who died of cancer, was one of the most loving and openly affectionate people I ever knew. In her last few months of life, she became very distant emotionally to everyone due to all that she was enduring physically. She was a very different person than she was when she was healthy. Please try not to take it personally. My prayers are with you.
Edited 6/7/2005 7:06 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a bad place at the moment.
I'm sure that the others have said that touch and intimacy and sex are very basic human needs so don't feel bad that YOU want and desire sex and intimacy. You're not the person that is ill so your needs won't just go away or switch themselves off. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your husband is in a position or has the desire to have sexual intimacy due to the illness. Again, that's no-one's fault, it's just how it is at the moment with the cancer.
I think that you should continue to masturbate as you have been doing. Again, while it isn't a great substitute for real sex, it should help you in some way. Please don't feel that it's a bad thing or "grudgingly" masturbate. Enjoy it for what release it can provide.
Have you actually talked to your husband about the lack of sex and intimacy? I know that you have tried to initiate sex verbally, but have you actually talked to him about how you feel and about the lack of sex? It's probably not a silly idea to talk to him about it and get it out into the open. You wouldn't be burdening him with another problem, this is already a problem and would be best talked over. I think even if he can't or won't at least try to have sex as best as he is able, the act of talking about it and sharing the load could be very theraputic.
Good luck.