Sex Toy Concerns and more - Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2012
Sex Toy Concerns and more - Please Help
2
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 5:51pm

I know this is long but please read it. I am desperate.

I am truly having a problem with the discovery that my wife bought some toys and really struggling to cope with it to the point that it enters my thought process so often that I can't function normally. I have no one else to talk to about this so out of desperation I have come here hoping for clarity and understanding. I hope you ladies out there can help me. First a little background.

I have been with my wife since we were 18 years old and we are each others first and only. We are now 38 and like most marriages have had our ups and downs, but one thing that has always been a constant is that no matter what has been going on in other areas of the relationship, I have always been able to please my wife and bring her to orgasm while having sex whether it be oral, manual, intercourse or a combination of the three. She has never had problems having orgasms with me and I have never refused any request of hers.

About a week ago, a very close friend of hers from high school came to town for a visit and somehow they started talking about sex and since my wife's friend is much more experienced with other partners and has been less inhibited in general than my wife she asked her for ideas on how to spice up our sex life. Somehow this turned into "you should really get some vibrators/toys cause they are F'ing awesome" of something similar.

Our sex life has been quite onesided over the years and her libido has been somewhat to much lower than mine at times which I know isn't atypical for a woman. She rarely touches me sexually other than kissing, she generally refuses to perform oral sex on me or even stimulate me manually. She has tried a couple times over the years and has even taken the initiative, but I can count on 1 hand how many times that has happened. Even back rub requests are met with sighs. She is obviously incredibly selfish even rolling over and going to sleep after orgasm even though I had not yet been satisfied. I on the other hand go down on her very often with enthusiasm, sometimes with no expectation of reciprocation or expectation of intercourse, I kiss and caress every inch of her, tell her how I much I enjoy being with her and how good she makes me feel, have gotten her to enjoy anal sex and stimulation with my tongue fingers to the point that she requests it, full body massages, have researched how to and have been successful at g-spot stimulation, have even fisted her although rarely(she's never been small and less so after our second child) while licking her cl1t to many squeals of delight, have had a successful threesome with her best girlfriend at my wife's urging and many other things ad naseum because my love for her is indescribable and I take pride and please in pleasing her to the best of my ability. After the birth of our 2nd and last child we both thought it would be best for her to get off of the pill after 14 years and we really don't like the feel of condoms. I don't mean to sound like a braggart but I can keep from ejaculating through practice and sheer will and sometimes thoughts of baseball so contraception hasn't been an issue, but we have been in a rut the last few years where I give her a great orgasm or 2 and then she can no longer handle any more stimulation and asks me to cuddle her so she can go to sleep. I AM INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATED!!!!!! I am left to resort to manual masturbation to keep from going crazy and asking for a divorce. She has expressed great disdain with the fact that I masturbate and has in the past said that she has considered it a form of cheating which is crazy, but that's what she thought and that's another issue I guess, but we have worked through that for the most part.

Now comes the part that I am having difficulty with. She has never masturbated even though I have encouraged her to in the past to use the running water from the bath or her hands or a pillow or dildo or what have you, but she has said she really wasn't interested and said that I was always enough to meet her needs primarily. Rather than coming to me with her desire to now masturbate so that I can help her by feel comfortable with her body and make it easier for her even suggesting in the past to hold her and even add stimulation while she did it, she has sought help from a third party and even considered hiding it from me, but eventually decided it was best to tell me at the suggestion of her friend and that the didn't want to hide it. So I give her credit for that, but I got a bit upset when she told me she bought the toys as It was a shocker to me at first and somewhat hurtful that she felt she couldn't come to me and seemingly out of character for her and then she got defensive and said she only wanted to try them with me and that I masturbate and she should be able to also! I agree. She should be able to masturbate, but what I can't get over is that she needs has opted for battery operated toys to do it. Not just a simple vibe, but a multispeed bullet and a rabbit type vibrator with silicone nubs on the part for penetration. I am not intimidated by the size as I am a bit above average and the toys are smaller. What bothers me is that I initially thought that I can never give her the pleasure she could feel from those toys and what if she gets used to the stronger sensations and has trouble climaxing with me or worse never really want me anymore. To make sure my fears weren't unfounded, I did a lot of reading and the consensus seems to be it depends on the woman. Some try toys and never really like them and definitely prefer the sensations of a mans touch and penis, some say that a man could never be as good as a toy and that it gives them mind numbing orgasms to the point of passing out and that they will have to be pried from their dead hands(I am assuming that most of those girls haven't met a partner that knows how to please a woman) and just about everything in between.

I have gone to the moon and the stars sexually for this woman and although I am scared sh1tless over what these toys might bring and mean to the future of our sex life, I have told her that although I have my fears that I am willing to try the bullet with her and see what happens but what I haven't told her is that if she isn't willing to start pleasing me more and ensure that I am just as satisfied that I am going to tell her that there is no way that I will ever accept her use of something that I could never hope to reproduce, especially the rabbit. I mean it can F and vibrate and massage her vagina in ways my penis never could while simultaneously stimulate her cl1t better and faster and longer than I could ever hope too(although I have gone over 45 minutes of oral before cramping up) and the dam thing even has a little piece for her perineum/anus. Maybe she won't really like it, but if she does then what? Am I going to have to put up with F'ing her and then watching her use that thing so she can cum afterwards? Much of my enjoyment of sex with her is being able to bring her to the height of pleasure, but I have been reading that vibrators can trump anything I can do. It would seriously diminish my enjoyment of being with her to the point of it being pointless for me. I have stomach cramps and have gotten about 3 hours of sleep these past few days and have even shed tears over this and I just can't reconcile it in my mind. She says it's not a replacement for me, but if I am using it on her and she has the most incredible orgasm I have ever seen her have and then she just gives up on me, then it will sure feel like a replacement and I might just lose it. I mean it's unfair!!!!!!!! It's not like I can go get a toy that brings me that level of pleasure, one because women tend to have better and longer orgasms that men to begin with, and two because there is no such toy for men. I love her with all I am and other aspects of our relationship are wonderful, but I just can't take/accept this. I am afraid that I might resort to an affair just to see if I really am any good or not. I know several women that are attracted to me and I'm sure at least one would agree. I workout regularly am taller than average and have been told I'm good looking. I know some of you will say it's just an ego thing and that is part of it, but it's also a fairness issue and it goes deeper than that. We have too of the sweetest babies anyone could ever be blessed with and divorce is not really an option for their sakes and because I value the other parts of the relationship, but I can't take this anymore and feel like im going crazy with anger, jealousy, resentment and loneliness. I am a good man and person and don't think I deserve this. Am I justified in refusing permission for my wife to use these toys? Please offer your advice, experiences and suggestions. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2011
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 5:48pm

you have a 3some and you are worried about a toy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 9:26am

Hi td,

You might also try posting your questions on the Mismatched Libidos board.

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