Am i out of line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Am i out of line?
10
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:03pm
My husband and i have been married for two years, and our sex used to be explosive and adventurous. Lately its gone from 2-3 times a week to once a month, since December. BUT he still looks at porn (more than he has sex with me), which makes me feel inadequate. Would I be wrong for asking him to stopping looking at it? At least until I'm satisfied with our sex life, or is that too much to ask?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:49pm

I think what you should talk about is why sex has gone down from 3 times a week to once a month?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:47pm
I had the exact same problom with my DH, we talked about it (many many times before it finally sank in) and he no longer looks at it (to my knowledge, and I trashed all that we had in the house and put a password on the computer, with his concent, so he can't even log on with out me doing it for him)
After all of this we still only have sex once maybe twice a month and I am the one who intiates (and still gets turned down) that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:41am

"After all of this we still only have sex once maybe twice a month and I am the one who initiates"

In that case PORN never was the cause of the decline in your sex life. The conflict over it may well have even contributed to his lack of interest in making love to you. Your disagreement about porn may well have only served to deepen any existing alianation between you.

Be carefull not to jump to conclusions you need to find out what the REAL cause of the lack of desire is, befor you act.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:43am
No you would not be out of line. IMO if a man wants sex with his wife only once a month but is looking at porn reguarly there is a problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 8:25pm
I am not real sure what exactly you are trying to say...
Porn was/is the "real" issue there are many more details to my situation than I care to give here but me and my DH have discussed it many times and we are certain that it was porn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 2:41pm
it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel....((HUGS))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 9:51pm
We are getting an increasing number of women posting here who complain that their husbands are more interested in porn that sex with them. This is a sad state of affairs in our modern world. To me NOTHING can take the place of a loving wife!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:49am

I would focus the conversation on why the decline in frequency.


That being said, I think the porn issue is a tough one but it is not too much to ask that he be repsectful of boundries that you two agree upon within a marriage.


My Dh can look at porn with me whenever he wants and alone if it is in his free time. Free time meaning time that is free to him after the chores are done, house is cleaned, bills are paid - after he has fullfilled his husband duties and father duties. There is no porn when Abi is up. It makes me mad when the trash isn't taken out and is overflowing and he's said he would do something like the dishes, or put away clothes and none of that gets done b/c he's been surfing the net for porn.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:31pm

I'm just trying to caution people not to automatically assume that if there is a disconnect in the love life and also a partner who enjoys sexually explicit materials that the use of sexually explicit materials is the reason for the lack of interest by that partner. To do this may well ignore more fundamental issues in the relationship and not resolve the original complaint.

Personally I suspect that for some marriages porn becomes a lightning rod issue and other problem that may or may not be related get attributed to it. If that happens the true issues may never get addressed!

Obviously I don't know your own situations :

But I looked again at your post:

"I had the exact same problem with my DH, we talked about it (many many times before it finally sank in) and he no longer looks at it (to my knowledge, and I trashed all that we had in the house and put a password on the computer, with his consent, so he can't even log on with out me doing it for him)
After all of this we still only have sex once maybe twice a month and I am the one who initiates (and still gets turned down) that."

These are the facts I understand from your post:

You were unhappy with frequency of sex in your marriage.

Your husband viewed porn.

You believe this was the reason why your sex life had broken down.
(I inferred this form the statement: "I had the exact same problem with my DH") ****

You came to an agreement to eliminate the porn.

Having to your knowledge eliminated the porn, you have not seen the frequency of sex in your marriage increase.

I can only conclude from that information that, if you eliminated porn and the situation didn't improve the breakdown has to be due to some other reason .....

I don't expect you to elaborate I just wanted to point out the lack of a causal relationship between the porn use and his interst in sex, in this senario.

**** Perhaps I interpreted this erroneously. Did you mean to say only that you dislike porn and wanted your husband to not view it but are not arguing that it is the reason your husband has lost interested in sex?

Please excuse me if I misunderstood what you were trying to express.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 12:57pm

amen to that gigi!

nothing takes the place of a loving spouse.

my hubby likes porn,it doesnt bother me because i am very open sexually.
but to tell the truth ....... i like porn myself lmao.
we have lots of great sex and i think its because we have a real connection.
when we talk to one another the other is and feels heard.

most times changes in your sex life stem from other probs in your relationship.
but the only way to find out what it is, is to talk it over with him.
communication really is the key.