Bad night

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Bad night
12
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:46am

Last night was pretty bad. So we went to sleep and about an hour later I awake to DH on top of me ready to go. Which is fine, but it didn;t give me a chance to get going if you know what I mean. So after a few minutes I told him just a minute, so I could go grab some lube. And he was like no don't, and I told him I would be back, and he was like don't bother. When I got back in to bed he rolled over on his stomach and faced the other way. So I tried to initiate with him by kissing and trying to roll him back over and he just said no, so I asked him why and he siad he didn't want to.

So at this point I figure we need to discuss this, the conversation that I have been trying to figure out how to bring up. And he won't speak to me. I told him that it was not him it was me and more than likely my birth control affecting my body. Because I am very attracted to him. He would not say a word. So I got up and went to the couch. After like 5 minutes I realized I was probably making things worse. SO I went back into the bedroom and then he got up and left to get a drink of water. When he came back I told him that this was to important not to talk about. My body wasn't being itself lately. And he finally replies with yeah well this isn't the first time, its been going on for a while now.

Well yeah, that is why I made a doctor appointment with a new doctor! To me, this just proves the point that its more than likely my birth control. We had some major problems earlier this year and our relationship has never beeen better than it has the past few months, so to me I would think this proves the point that it doesn't have anything to do with him. My body or hormones are changing, I can't even get wet by myself by masturbating. Something is wrong. He still wont speak to me this morning.

We have never had this problem before. I have always been very well self lubricated at any given time, so much so that I thought I might have a problem of producing more than normal. Now I feel like a dried up prune. Maybe I used up everything I will ever have.
:( Are there any suppliments or anything I can take to help? Andy advice is appreciated. THanks Stressed

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: stressedout2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 3:35pm
He could have been a little more understanding. As a man and having had to go through a similar experience, I think I can speak on this matter. The thing with us guys is when we're aroused we're ready to go at it and we don't want to hear any excuses, but we must keep in mind that sex is about both partners pleasing each other and not about only one partner getting all the pleasure. A woman's body is so much different from a man's and goes through much more changes. The woman can give in and do it out of obligation, but most times when that happens something is missing. But if the man learns to be patient and understanding, he can come out a winner because his patience will be handsomely rewarded in time. I had to learn that with my DW. I used to get upset and wouldn't talk to her when she would turn me down, but after she made me realize that it was her body changing and not her rejecting me I learned to wait and it paid off. Sex is a whole lot better when both are into it together to please each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
In reply to: stressedout2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 4:51pm

There are some things we don't have the ability to fully control and lubrication is one of them. You two could make applying the lubrication part of the fun. For example use a lubricant during foreplay to give him a little handjob. Or buy some of the flavored, warming or really creamy ones just for fun. Make them a part of the fun and perhaps he will start to see that it isn't about stopping the fun but rather enhancing the fun.

PS: He is going to want an understanding wife when he starts experiencing bouts of erectile dysfunction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: stressedout2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 6:14pm

I will apologize to you in advance, because after reading this post and your previous post, your husband is a jerk. It's all about him. He wants it NOW or not at all, you buy KY and he thinks it's for him, he shuts you out and pouts when he doesn't get his way . . . unbelieveable.

I hate to say this, but it almost seems like he is looking for ways NOT to have sex with you. He sets you up for failure and cares nothing about bringing you along with his desire. Why is he so quick to give up if he really wants to have sex? If he doesn't have sex with you, where is he gonna have sex ???? I would think he would want to do whatever it takes to have sex with you.

You had better stand up for yourself and tell him what is going on with your body. It's bad enough that we have to subject our body to some form of birth control, because if we don't and he doesn't, then we carry children in our body for nine months, and then later in our life, we have to adjust to not having this problem and all the changes that menopause brings on. I have always said that if men had to put up with one month of what we put up with , they would never make it, much less childbirth.

Have a beer, or a big glass of wine, and get your nerve up and let him have it. Tell him to stop acting like he is TWO. If he wants to indulge in "adult activities", then he needs to act like an adult and a responsible partner and not like a spoiled brat.

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stressedout2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 7:38pm
Well said, really sings. Those are exactly my sentiments about her husband too. He sonds like a little child who wants to always have his own way. My wife and I use lubricants because my wife is 71 and doesn't get wet like she did up to just a few years ago. I put the KY Liquid on myself and it is absolutely fantastic. She loves it too. There is nothing worse in sex than for the woman to be dry. The OP's husband should go to a sex education class as well as a charm school.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: stressedout2005
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 3:42pm

I agree. I don't know your hubby, but from what's been posted here, he sounds like an insensitive spoiled brat. I have all kinds of issues with dryness, and DH and I have talked a LOT about my need for foreplay, not just wham bam thank you ma'am. He's pretty sensitive to my needs. Every once in awhile, I'll have to say wait, and he or I use lube (on me and/or him). He says it's better for him, too if there's enough lubrication. And, he enjoys performing oral sex, which is the best lubricant I can think of :-).

Your DH needs to grow up, and you need to assert yourself outside of the bedroom. I know you've tried, and you may be shy, but the alternative is all kinds of resentment on both sides. You might als consider taking him to the doc appt w/you at some point or possibly consider other forms of birth control. A marital sex life is mutual, not one-sided. I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Just my $.02





Judy 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
In reply to: stressedout2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 11:55am

Wow, I have to say I was kind of surprised by the responses. His reaction was not very mature thats for sure. But I think a lot of the problem is me. I, by nature, am a pleaser. I put everyones needs before my own, I am happy if everyone around me is happy. Only recently have I started to take a look and try to figure out what I want. So I have not spoke up and voiced my own wants or needs. I have realized that I am entitled to a fulfilling sex life as well. And I need to speak up if I want or need something because DH obviously cannot read my mind.

We did end up talking about everything on friday afternoon and everything is out in the open now. What a relief, I think his feelings were hurt and once he had time to think about the whole situation, he could react a little more responsibly. (This did happen about 1 am) We had a great talk and what a huge load off my shoulders, I think just being able to talk about things gave my sex drive a little kick start. So we are working on things.

I appreciate everyones opinions and thoughts. Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: stressedout2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:51pm

I was surprised too Stressed!

But sometimes people will think what they think, and on the boards a lot of the background and details are not told, or are lost.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
In reply to: stressedout2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:04pm

I wasn't really surprised at all. Almost any problem in her marriage he blames on her (even when HE gave her an STD!!!!) According to most of her posts, it does seem like he is incredibly selfish and walks all over her, and she just lets him and then rationalizes that it is her fault because she just lets him. Sorry but streesed I honestly think he is a jerk, I follow most of your posts and this has been my impression with every one of them...... Shy and softspoken or not EVERYONE deserves some common decent respect....much less his wife.....

Jessi

Jessi

Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
In reply to: stressedout2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 3:49pm

First just let me say that there is no way to know who had the std first. If you truley followed all of the posts, you would know that more than likely I am the one probably had it. I found out that my dad had herpes in his eye when I was a baby. And that my mom has always had cold sores. I just never knew about it. I have often got what I thought were canker sores in my mouth and could very well have been cold sores or herpes. And more than likely passed that way.

Second, I really don't see why you had to bring that into this. These boards are great for venting and using for sounding boards. So yes I come here to vent and he is not perfect but neither am I. You only get one side of the story. And it is usually when my feelings are hurt and I am confused about something that has happened. This is where I can get a mans prespective and other women who are unbiased. I try to relate things as they happen and not exagerate and I have also made it known that I am very sensitive. So that is why I try to get others opinions before I react so I don't over react.

Yes I may have let him walk all over me before but as I had mentioned in previous posts, we have gone to great lenghts to change things. We have gone to counceling, and he no longer has contact with the group of friends that we were having problems with. Over all things have improved 100%. This new problem doesnt have to do with that. It has to do with my body and it is going through changes right now. Obvoiusly he doesn't know how to deal with it and neither do I. We just need to keep talking. It takes two to communicate. The way I communicate is different than his. I like to discuss thisgs right away and he likes to think about things before he discusses. He took it personnally, that I was not attracted to him anymore. His feelings were hurt and at the time didn't know how to deal with that. Could it have been handled better? YES, Can we learn from this and move on? YES. He's not as bad as this has post has made him out to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: stressedout2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 11:33pm

Don't be offended by the answers and comments you get when you post a problem out to strangers. All we can go on is what you post.

I am glad for you that you feel like you have "talked it out". From my experience, of being with a very manipulative man for 24 years, when bad things happened, whether it was sex, kids, our relationship, or just things he didn't like about me, I spent years trying to "fix" our relationship. We would talk, and he would say he would try, and that he understood my concerns, and then about a week or two later, the same sh*t would happen all over again, and when he was reminded of our previous "talk", he would deny ever even talking about it.

So, just beware, be smart, be careful, look out for YOU, and be suspicious if it starts to work out that you were always wrong or misunderstood. That is manipulating, too.

And finally, a good relationship just shouldn't be this hard, stressedout. I say this from experience. I had hard and it never got better, and now I have wonderful and while it still takes work and concern for each other , it is not hard, and that is the difference.

Good luck.

Pages