Can't do it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Can't do it
7
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 9:37am

I'm almost 38 and I just cannot have sex with my husband. It's been 6 months. Our marriage has been rocky for a very long time (we've been married 15 years). I was also very overweight for the same amount of time. I thought my weight was contributing to his lack of affection/attention outside of the bedroom. Although I had told him about it, things didn't change.

Well, I lost weight - 130 pounds to be exact. I currently wear a size 4 (down from a size 26). Have things changed? NO. The only time he pays attention to me is IN the bedroom. He does not touch me or spend one minute with me until he wants sex and that's it. It has always been that way.

In fact, in the past year, he has started sleeping on the couch. When he wanted sex, he would come to my bed, have sex, then get up and go back to the couch. No kisses. No cuddling. No talking. No nothing.

I talked to him again about the lack of attention/affection outside of the bedroom. He doesn't understand or refuses to understand. The past few weeks have been total hell for me because all he does is moan about how it's been 6 months and he doesn't know how much longer he can wait.

I have tried to have sex with him, but I can't. I'm tired of being treated like a whore. But, I'm running out of excuses and he's running out of patience. Does anyone out there have any advice - PLEASE???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 9:53am
congratulations on your weight loss, I know that it is a difficult thing to do. The first thing that pops into my head is counseling. There is obviously a communication problem. Have you told him just as bluntly how it makes you feel for him to be this way? Also have you tried being affectionate outside of the bedroom even though he is not. I know you may feel like he doesn't deserve for you to be all lovey and stuff but maybe he has no idea how to show affection outside of sex and no idea as to exactly what you want. How was he when you guys were dating? Was he affectionate then or are you just wanting him to be more affectionate now. Did you accept this behavior before because you thought it had to do with your weight and now you want him to change because your body has changed? What I would do is go out of your way for a couple of weeks to make him feel loved. Little things, be affectionate, hug him as you pass in the hallway. hold his hand and kiss him often. I don't know maybe he just has no clue as to what to do...lead by example even if it means risking a bit of rejection the first few times. Write him a letter about the reasons that you fell in love with him (things he used to do that made you feel special). Hope it helps. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:31am

I tried counseling years ago for myself - he refused to go as he said it was all my problem, not his.

I tried to show affection outside of the bedroom on my own, as you suggested, but, I, quite frankly, get tired of always having to initiate it all the time. He doesn't take me out. He doesn't have time to talk to me. He literally only has time for sex and that's it, it seems in my opinion.

I even went so far as to keep track of the time he did not touch me outside of sex, and it was over a month, then I stopped because I got too upset.

He does not get it. I'm tired of trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:51am

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss, that's great!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 11:50am

Thanks for you post justme_31. You have some good ideas!!!


I also think that sometimes the problem can be helped by the person who recognizes the problem trying to change/correct and model the behaviour he/she wants.


It is a very hard thing to do when you think the OTHER person should be the one doing it, but when you are committed to your relationship, and/or separation is not an option or one you are at yet, then it's worth a shot!



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MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 11:53am

Welcome to the board Shari!!!


I don't usually advise women or men to cut off intimacy with their spouses, but in this instance, you not having sex with him sounds like you made the right decision. No one ever deserves to be disrepsected like that and used!!


I am sorry you are dealing with this.


Do you have any idea what led to this situation being what it is? Past troubles?



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MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 12:21pm

You Go Girl!!! on the weight loss....you should be very proud of yourself!!


You might want to check out these other boards for more help.......


  • Is It Meant to Be?

  • Trouble Communicating

  • Understanding the Opposite Sex
  • memeblue

    Avatar for gigi_1000
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 04-16-2005 - 9:55pm

    Shari, congratulations on losing all that weight. Even if you didn't lose it for him and just lost it for your own health and self esteem, it is a GREAT accomplishment.

    You seem to be in a no-win situation with your husband. It seems that he needs you for sex and ONLY for sex and I can see how you could start feeling like a whore. No woman could be expected to stay a lifetime with a man who treats you as he does. He may be losing patience with you, but what about your patience. Every human being needs love and affection and you have been getting neither for years.

    Only you know when you will reach the point where you will be better off without him. After all, he is treating you so badly by totally neglecting your needs that you will eventually reach a point where your self esteem will be lost. You are not in a marriage. You are in a one-sided controlled arrangement. If you can not reach his conscience, you don't have many alternatives. Good luck, you are going to need it.