Caught my husband - not cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Caught my husband - not cheating
10
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 7:21pm

Hello - I'm 44 and my husband is 48. We have been together for four years and married for two. We lived 1000 miles away when we were dating and sex was great when we saw each other. After he moved up here and moved in sex came to pretty much a halt. I took it as he was starting over and trying to start his business back up all over and a lot of stressful things were going on. Four years later and it has still been that way. I've gone to bed many nights crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I've tried to talk with him and we've fought about it. I am 50 pounds over weight so that hasn't helped me feel any better. Anyway yesterday I had to go out to the garage to pass a message on to him and I caught him masterbating. He was totally embarressed and I just felt like someone slammed me right in the heart. Everything just came crashing down..without saying anything I left and drove around and just bawled. Alls I can think of is he can't stand to have sex with me and I'm so discusting. When I came home he tried to talk to me and tell me it wasn't my body and wasn't me it was just something guys do. Well I'm not stupid and I do it on occasion myself as I've told him because I don't get sex from him. We talked more and we made love last night. I tell him I'm ok now but I'm not. I'm trying to put up this big act but I am so hurting and just can't stand myself. I just feel that I need to end my marriage and not be with anyone. I don't know what to do or where to go with how I feel. He is a very good man and I love him so much but I just dont know if I will ever be able to get past not believing that I don't discust him in the bedroom. :(

Tawna
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 7:49pm

Hey there sounds like quite a horrible feeling you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you for what your going through. From what you posted though, I do think part of your problem is internalized. You clearly have a problem and discomfort with your weight. Whether or not he feels the same way, if you think he does, it's going to interfere with your love life.

Maybe you two could start exercising together? It'd help you regain the confidence, and help boost his drive.

What does he say his reasons for less intimacy are? Maybe there are changes going on with him unrelated to you. If you focus on your own issues, you may miss the opportunity for find out what's going on.

I certainly hope you guys have a strong enough relationship to keep this from causing a divorce.

Best wishes! I hope things calm down and this turns into a bonding experience for you and your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 9:38am

Kiki has some great advice. I would definitely recommend trying to talk to a counselor. Hey, it can't hurt, right?

And, just so you know, I think my own DW is hot, we have good regular sex, and I still masturbate. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 10:24am

Hi, hon. First of all, you probably know that all guys masturbate and most women too, for that matter. But I think what bothered you so much is that he seems to have chosen that over having sex with you. If all other aspects of your relationship are good, don't jump to conclusions and assume he's not attracted to you. It may very well be stress that's making it difficult for him to connect with you on that level. Also, at 48, he may be experiencing a drop in testosterone - it's an issue a lot of men deal with but has only recently really been acknowledged and addressed. Maybe he's actually worried that HE may not be able to perform satisfactorily. 

Beyond that, I'd like to offer you some very good advice. I highly doubt your loving husband finds you disgusting. But you are obviously very uncomfortable with those 50 extra pounds if you can even entertain such thoughts. Do yourself a favor and start working out, whether at a gym or at home. Invest in a treadclimber if you can - they produce amazing results. And practice portion control with your meals. Lose that weight. When you shed those first few pounds it'll be like a high and you won't want to stop. And when you feel fabulous about yourself, everyone around you feels it. Regardless of whether it improves your sex life, it will improve your self-esteem, your health, your life. The only thing you can really control in your life is yourself - your attitude, your actions. Do this for yourself. You deserve happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:42am

Please get real. You are making too much of this and wanting him to be responsible for your feelings. His masturbating has very little to do with you being fat. Men's engines usually run pretty fast and they need to fuel the thing if it's going to work. Men need to think about sex, I think, in order to function. But besides that, don't blame him if you are fat. Do something about it. Even if he commiserates and pities you like crazy and never looks at or thinks of another woman ever, that's not what you want. You want him to desire you sexually? Then make yourself desirable. If you don't, just accept the suspicion that's in your mind that although he loves you, he doesn't think about you when he's masturbating. On the other hand, how do you know who's he's thinking of. Did you ask him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 3:16pm

First, he needs to stop masturbating.  Counseling would probably be a good idea to figure out why he prefers masturbation to you.  There may be health/performance issues that are bothering him, but until the two of you work at this, nothing will change.  It may be that he needs to see his Doctor for a physical.  Exercise together may be a good thing too.  Long walks are not only good for your health, but they also can improve communication.

BTW.  I am a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2011
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 1:04pm
Stop masturbating? Hold on.....yeah.....I tried to stop breathing too....still breathing though....and I'll keep masturbating.... Stop masturbating....ha ha ha ha ha ha
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 2:02pm

  If you dislike your self and fine that you are disgusting then it is you that need to change.  50 lbs over weight is something you can do something about.  Then work on you self talk and image.  Sex begins in the brain.  If you brain is embarrassed then it is likely you are projecting anti sex vibes. 

  Masturbation is normal.  In both sexes.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 8:20am

You both have a lot going on, you need to talk about it and don't feel bad that you saw him taking care of himself. Just keep offering yourself to him, heck tonight lay there and take care of yourself and let him watch, then roll over and take care of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2012
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 12:40am

Every marriage goes through peaks and valleys. Some couples have a lot of sex then hardly any. He isn't masterbating because he isn't interested in you men like to touch themselves its just a fact. As far as you feeling that you are too over weight to desirable. The others are right that's a problem with your self esteem. I'm not a smal woman I'm very cury. Hell I have more men than I can handle but shhhh don't tell my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 11:45pm

Maybe you two need to find a way to talk about the issues, and if a counselor would help then try it.

It is worrisome that the sex was great when you were in a long distance relationship but now that you are living together it has come to a halt.

Men masturbate and I don't think stopping it will make that much of a difference. Let him know when the urge hits him that you are available for him and be there if he asks. Sometimes guys just need a "quick" fix and don't want to get all emotional and into it, just need a release of a sort.

I am curvy and my husband loves me as much if not more than when we met and I was a skinny young thing.

Don't put up an act, let him know how you feel, and if you don't like yourself how will anyone else like you? You might be giving off negative emotions and might seem unapproachable. If he tells you that he loves you and is attracted to you, then believe him, sounds like you are the one that is feeling unsexy.

Definitely need to work on getting the great sex back. Sit down and talk to him openly about how you feel and ask what has made it different now than when you two were 1000 miles apart? That would be a great place to start.