DH asks for things I don't like

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
DH asks for things I don't like
9
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:39am

So what do I do when my Dh asks me frequently to do sexual things that I am not comfortable with?
First of all, he has asked me for years to have anal sex with him, I have tried it a few times, and to be frank, I think it is kind of disgusting, don't like it at all. But he begs me to do it all the time. I get so sick of saying no, but he is fully aware of how I feel about it and still he persists.
Secondly, he asks me to invite another woman into our bed. I absolutely refuse to even discuss this!!! It is ridiculous to me, we are married and do not need another person in our bedroom.
I'm not trying to offend anyone about either of these topics, these are just my personal feelings on the subjects.
My DH asks me at least once a week for one or the other of these things. we have sex at least 3 times a week, we frequently have oral sex, try different positions, so I would say that he gets more sexual attention and variety than most men, or as much as is possible with 5 children.
When he asks for these things it makes me feel like he is disatisfied and he says that is not true.
Are these things just normal for men to want? How can I successfully address these issues with him?

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:13am

Dear Nicole,

It's "normal" to have any desire, and it's normal for you to have boundries that you will not cross.

When it comes to anal sex, people usually fall into two camps: Those that like it, and Those that don't...however, it's not unusual for people to switch camps, but you've tried it a couple times and don't like it...that seems more than fair.

As far as bringing another person into your bedroom...for most of us this is a fantasy that should stay in the "fantasy" realm. It's a fun fantasy that IMO should be indulged ONLY as a fantasy as most people who actually experience it do not have a good experience. You can indulge him with some role playing and toys etc. that can simulate this idea and it's safe. Threesomes should only be done if you are willing to gamble with your marriage. SOme have a good experience, but most do not. In my humble opinion actually going through with a threesome is playing with fire. To me sex is just not worth destroying a loving relationship.

It's important for you to stay within your boundries and be EXTREMELY clear that you will not cross them. I would let him know that it's okay for him to have those fantasies, but that you are not going to indulge them in the way that he wants and asking you just has the effect of lessening your desire to have sex with him.

Compromise as at the heart of all good relationships. Find a place that is comfortable for you and go from there.

Good luck.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:42pm

I completely agree with everything Scott said.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:09pm

I agree wth Scott and Issytish here.

However, I don't think that you are going to get your husband to stop bugging you about these things if you refuse to discuss them and call them ridiculous to his face.

My advice is to acknowledge to him that these are his fantasies and that it's fine to have fantasies. However, he also needs to acknowledge that you are not comfortable with these acts and they must stay in the fantasy realm.

Allowing him to discuss his fantasies with you without being judgmental is one way to keep the home fires burning.

John

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 3:49pm
Have a long talk with your husband, tell him why you don't like these things. How would he like you always asking to bring another man into the bedroom? Then tell him to STOP asking!
It will make you feel stressed out, and with five kids you don't need any more stress. The bedroom should be a sanctuary. Good luck and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:59pm
Make a compromise: the other woman is bed should be a definate no-no, but give him the anal once a week and he'll forget about the other requests. With some practice and lots of lube, you'll probably enjoy it much more as well and it won't be such a chore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:38am
She already has tried anal - she doesn't like it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:58am

I think explaining to your DH about why you don't like these things is probably the best route.


I would not ever give in to his demans if you are incomfortable with them because that could lead to resentment and/or anger toward him if you felt he was pressuring you to do things you didn't want to do.


Have you had a chance to talk to him yet?


Anal is a very personal decision and there's alot of factors that go into it. It is not for some people and that is OK You can explore other areas of sex to fullfill your sex lives.


((HUGS))


Jennie




MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:55pm
Nic - got an update for us?



MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:29pm

I think those things are normal for a guy to want but what he doesn't seem to get is that it is Your sex life too, not just his. Having another woman in your bed is the fastest way to end your relationship so you should not allow that. By him pressuring you, it is putting you in a sort of "parent/child" relationship where he begs and you have to say no and then feel bad for denying your little boy's wants. He doesn't Need those things. He wants them. He needs to stop making you feel like the sex police. It sets up a very poor dynamic in your sexual relationship.

I have told my DH that he can fantsize all he wants about certain things and share those fantasies with me but he needs to be aware of the reality of life. I personally, am way too possesive of my DH's body part to want to share it with someone else so the threesome plan is Never going to happen. You might put it to him that way. You might think about having him read whatever resopnses you have gotten that describe how you feel.

I have a best friend who is very experimental in her married life but they have yet to allow someone else in their bed. She buys all sorts of things to make things more exciting for the Two of them. I don't know if that is any help to you but I hope so.