DH has a Madonna complex??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
DH has a Madonna complex??
10
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 12:30pm

I have a question for the men mostly… Ladies, please feel free to jump in.

I have been trying really hard to spice things up with my DH. We have come a long way but we have hit a road block. They only way I can describe it is DH does not think of me when he fantasizes or think of me in a sexy way.

Don’t get me wrong, It is not that I am butt-ugly. I actually consider myself a bit of a MILF. I am far from perfect, but I go to the gym regularly and have been told by others I “qualify”

It seems to be a bit of a Madonna complex on his part. I am the mother of his kids, not something to lust after.

I am having a hard time with this because I will do just about anything, but my confidence and patience is waning. He does nothing to help me feel sexy or desired and to me that is the biggest turn on. I don’t know how to make him understand this. He will give me an occasional but grab, but no words and NEVER any look in his eyes of face that says you are hot, I want you, or anything. But he does that *look* for other women and, loves computer porn. I have no problem with that, I have even thought about emailing him pictures of me for him to look at, but he does not seem receptive to the idea at all.

We have some good friends that had a three-some, and are very sexual with each other. He often comments how much fun they are having, and you can tell the three some is something he likes the idea of. But will not even mentally put me in the equation, it is him with 2 other women. Not that I want a 3some or think he really does, but it would be fun to talk about and fantasize together.

When we have sex, it is often very vanilla, unless he has had a few drinks. Foreplay is almost non-existent. I don’t think he knows what to do, mostly because he does not see me or my body as something to have fun with. I am very functional. He will look at porn, then have vanilla sex with me or take care of himself.

He says he is trying. I see some effort but it seems very forced, and makes everything not very sexy.

This upsets me more then you can imagine thinking I am not desired by my DH. I don’t know what else I can do. I have tried email games, taking him to strip clubs, joined a XXX-DVD club, wax “down there” regularly, and more. He wants sex, but does not want to do the work to get it. It seems I am doing all the work.

He is a great father, and my best friend. Otherwise out marriage is great. We have had our share of life stressors, but always come out stronger in the end. It is just this one major road block.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks

-Pam

-Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 5:29pm

Pam,

I am in the same boat. Only we had a decade and a half of great sex, then suddenly, this last pregnancy he turned "off." Never happened before in a pregnancy, either, and we have a lot of kids. I thought, okay, after the baby arrives, we'll go back to normal. Nope. He's not interested, and not even interested in trying. I can hardly even get him to talk about it.

He still uses porn. I've managed to seduce him some - mostly by using porn to do it.

We're doing very well otherwise. It's so strange that suddenly he doesn't want me. It's taking a toll on my self image. He hates make-up - has never wanted me to wear it, so I haven't worn it for all these years. I'm going to buy some this weekend. I'm coloring my hair as well. I try not to let him see me naked (hard to do when I'm always nursing a baby.)

I wish he'd tell me what the deal is. I don't think he knows - I have no idea what the problem is.

If you come up with a solution, let us know, okay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 10:30am

Pam - I'm coming from the other end here, being a man who completely lusts after his wife, even after the kids were born. I think a lot of it was that my DW seemed to instantly be able to go from mother to wife. She was still playful, and it always seemed so natural. Now, I know that doesn't necessarily help.


Have you guys gotten much time alone together out of the house? Is he uncomfortable doing frisky things when the kids are around? Have you ever talked to him about the computer porn? Have you ever told him how you feel?


You said, "Foreplay is almost non-existent. I don’t think he knows what to do, mostly because he does not see me or my body as something to have fun with. I am very functional. He will look at porn, then have vanilla sex with me or take care of himself." Have you talked to him about this either? Was it always like that, or was he better before you had kids?


I'd try to get him talking - it probably wouldn't be easy to get much out of him at first, and he will probably be defensive - try to make it so it doesn't seem like you are accusing him of anything. And try to get out alone with him a little more often, and not just a "romantic" evening either - just to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:29pm

It is all out in the open. He knows how I feel and he does express the disire to change, but desire and action are very different. I think sometimes he thinks I talk about things to much. I had him mention it to a friend of his, thinking another guys view might help. His buddy just told him he was stupid.

I honestly don't mind the computer time, but I don't want it to trump me. I would love for him to let me in on it and tell me what he likes. Kind of include it in our sex life. He did tell me he does not want me to think he is a freak or something. I can see what he looks at, it is not shocking at all. But it now makes me worried he thinks I am a freak if I like to look.

About the he just does not know what to do,... I have put on our ajenda a night for each of us. So the first night will be about him. He won't have to do anything but tell me if he likes or does not like something. Then another night I get a turn. I just need to find a way to give him someideas before hand.

I have to admitt, we had less sex before the kids. I was working a lot. But he use to complain all the time about frequncy, but never about content.

I am feeling a bit better about the whole thing today. I am just going to keep plugging along. What else can I do.

Thanks!

-Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:43pm
Well, good luck Pam! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Talking about things is
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 2:54pm
Hi Pam! I have 2 kids and just finished nursing my second in September (he was 21 months) and have talked to DH about this subject. The nursing, although he was completly supportive, was an issue. I'm not saying son't nurse if you are just that it may have something to so with it. Also, are the kids always your first priority? Do you dress sexy and take care of yourself? Is your bedroom turning into a daycare? Do you have anything else going on in your life to talk to him about? These things all play a role in how he looks at you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 6:19pm

Well, you bring up a good point. I am not currently nursing. My kids are 3 and 4. But I did and like you said he was very supportive, but am sure he never looked at my boobs the same way again.

Our bedroom is like a day care. I am going to grad school and do try and do a lot of adult talk with him. I also go to the gym regularly, eat healthy, and have been very conscious not to walk around in sweatpants all the time.

However, he has made comments about letting himself go, so to speak. He has tried to go to the gym a few times. But he eats crap and "says" he wants to be healthier, but not ready to make any life style changes. I don't know how to support him in any of that. I tell him I love him as is, but honestly I would like him to get healthier. Mostly to be healthy for the kids and not so much for much looks. He has NEVER had self esteme issues, and is a very nice looking guy. Now that I think about it I think a few extra lbs on him and he is turning 40 this year might have more to do with it then just how he looks at me. I just feel like he is going down and I am going up.

Thanks for the input

-Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 6:24pm
"he is going down and I am going up" I think that speaks for a lot of us women. I'm totally getting the older woman younger man thing right now! He seems like an old fogie lately and I feel like I'm truly growing into myself. I always took good care of myself but now it's so much more about who I am rather than just what I look like!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 1:20am
sounds alot like marriage burn-out.you become bored with your job your marriage and life in general,a kind of " Is this all there is to life"(especially when you hit the big 40 or 50)type of attitude,believe me it's tough shell to crack I've been fighting it for awhile now on my own part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 10:06am

That's funny - the older I got, the more I understood the value of taking care of yourself, and at 40, I'm in the best shape I've been in since high school.


And Pam - it has definitely been shown, especially in older men, that diet and exercise play a BIG part in sexual health. And you definitely have depression to deal with too. It's not a good cycle for him. You should maybe get him to the doctor. Us men are notorious for avoiding that....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 2:17pm

I am glad you guys *get* the older you get the more you need to take care of yourself. He tells me I am over reacting about some of that stuff. He says “I am not going to drop dead from eating this oreo.” Like I said he does not see the connection between food and exercise and how he looks and feels, and not ready to make any changes. I know a lot of it is the way he was raised, his entire family battles all kinds of health issues connected to healthy habits and weight issues. It sounds childish but I get real angry at his mother for a lot of this.

I have mentioned depression to him, but he thinks it is all voodoo. What is even funnier is I am going to grad school for mental health counseling (shows what he thinks of my take on the world). He also has a very short fuse lately. Gets grumpy real easy. After he goes through a little snit of the grumpies, he always says he does not know what happened and he is over it now. A few weeks later another one hits.

I think I will try and ride it out for now.

Thanks!

-Pam

-Pam

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