Frustrated....please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Frustrated....please help
13
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 5:50pm

Hi. I am new here. New to message boards as well.


My wife and I have been happily married for 18 years. We have sex often. The problem is that I feel she is not participating. We have virtually no foreplay. She refuses to try any oral sex, either receiving or giving. She rarely touches me. I have tried to talk to her, but she is uncomfortable about talking about sex. On the rare occasion that she will talk about sex, she says that she has never fantasized nor does she ever even think about sex. She does say, however, that she enjoys sex very much...but only actual IC, missionary style. I have tried introducing porn, erotic stories and have even shared some of my fantasies with her, but nothing seems to work. I really want to spice things up some. But, I am out of ideas. Any ideas???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 6:10pm
I have several ideas about this but need a little more information before I share them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 6:49pm

Outside the bedroom. Hmmm. Well she definately does not feel like she has to please everyone. I'm not sure what you mean by compliant. She is very open about her feelings (outside the bedroom). We have a great relationship outside the bedroom.


Her childhood? She is from a broken family and had several step fathers. Some were very strict but I do not think she was ever abused. Often times she lived through poverty and hard times. She did not grow up in an overly religious house either.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 7:49pm
By compliant I mean does she do everything you ask of her, faering if she doesn't you will get mad?
Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 8:42pm
I am curious about her reactions to erotic stories, porn, fantasies and other new things. Was she offended, just not interested, did she try participating or did she turn some things down right away? Has she always been this way or has it happened over time or even suddenly? How have you presented new things to her? Does she understand you really feel like there's something important about your sex life together that is missing? Does she have any health issues that might effect her libido? She may not really understand how important this is for you. You may have to think hard about how to talk to her about it so she truly understands how you are feeling, what you desire and what you think the two of you could do as a couple to heat things up a little.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 9:16pm

I am melissacat66's DH, aka Her Dear.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 4:01am
Hi, and welcome to the board. I'm Nenu, co-cl here along with Meme.

Does your wife shy away from non-sexual physical touch when outside the bedroom? Does she seek hugs from you, or like to hold your hand or snuggle with you on the couch, things like that? Also, do you have kids?




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CL for Sexual Health






"Life is a drama, and there's only the one performance" - Luna di Rossi





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 5:18am
Hi. My exH was the same. We had great relationship and he loved me like no one would I think but I just was not satisfied with him and I told him so. he would do everything I ask but you will expect something more from a man won't you? he would say me many times that there are so many other things which interest him after he is 40 rather than sex. Well, we divorced and on my initiative. I fell in love with a man 20 years older than me, I just could not resist it, he is great in bed, gorgeous and he says he never had a woman loving sex so much as me (in fact I just love him), there are no such things I would not do for him (some were very new really) unless it is something to do with violence. he described his ex like you do, without details of course, but he said she did not like sex. Well, there were other reasons of course, but you always know in the back of your mind that there are better things and you have only one life. I do not know if you cheat on your wife but if you do not I am really sorry for you, life is short, I am not calling you for anything, perhaps everything is in your hands, as someone said there are no frigid women I do not remember how it ends though. Normally if you are in desire another partner feels it and it eliminate all boundaries, good relationship is not love yet, your wife takes a big risk, i am sure if the right woman will cross your road you will not be able resist temptation,
sorry for being frank in what I say but as I guess the board is meant to be open in what you say.
I wish you ggod luck as you are on the right track already looking for a decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:54pm

Just to answer a couple of questions and perhaps elaborate a little more. I may have been unclear as to my problem. My wife does enjoy sex. She enjoys it very much. The frustration I experience stems from the fact that she never initiates it nor does she participate very much. Basically it only happens after the kids are asleep. I wake her up we have intercourse (which she enjoys) and thats all. She will not even consider oral sex either giving or receiving. She thinks thats dirty. She very rarely touches me in any way. On the rare occasion she does it almost feels like work for her and is not pleasurable. But, she does enjoy the actual intercourse. She orgasms very easily and often. From my perspective the act of love making has become tedious. I have expressed to her the things I would like. Simple things like kissing and touching me. Or even initiating it. But, to no avail. I have introduced porn, stories and fantasies. The porn we have to fastforward through the foreplay parts to the intercourse parts. She is very picky about the stories she will read. And fantasies? She claims she never has had a fantasy. Nor does she even think of sex at all. She will not allow me to talk during intercourse. On the other hand I know for a fact that the porn and stories arouses her. That much is obvious. But, when I ask her about it she only replies that the movie or story was okay but did nothing for her. It has been this way from the beginning. I used to think that I just had to give her time to open up. It has been almost 20 years so I think that is enough time. I try very hard to be understanding and considerate of her needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 1:08pm
Well, i am sorry, but how can you enjoy missionary position for 20 years and if she always refuse you oral sex then you probably have forgotten how it feels and this is a pity to lose such sensations. Also are you sure your wife does not simulate orgasms. It is not so easy for a woman to come easily (sorry for repetition) being woken up in the middle of the night without a foreplay and anything and in the same position all the time. But it is very natural for a woman if she loves her DH to caress him and to touch and to kiss and what can be better in life than to see him enjoying himself with you, when he is in your power pleading for more? My Dh once told me a story, he was writing a book (I think the computers were not so popular then) and his ex found it and read. She thought it was his diary about another woman. When the children went to bed he met him with champagne and they had a row. But later on in bed she was trying to be better, actually trying but she was very awkward doing it. Maybe your wife is sacred she will look funny? Or I do not know how she could find the man she loves dirty? Nothing is dirty between the husband and wife in their bedroom. And if you are not giving how possibly you can enjoy sex? I would doubt it, prove me wrong, but I think she pretends orgasms to get rid of you quicker.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 1:27pm

I understand what you are saying and I am sure she may have haved "faked" it sometimes, but when she orgasms, she orgasms a lot. I can feel it. Sometimes it even makes a mess on the bed. I don't know how you can fake that. What I am afraid of is that it is me. There may be something about me that she is not attracted to. I just don't know. I really try. I don't know how explicit I can be here so I'll try to be vague. The only foreplay permissable is with my fingers and kissing her on her neck. Oh, and I forgot to mention before that I have bought her some toys. I have encouraged her to use them while alone but she refuses (hoping to expand her views). We have used them as foreplay on occasion but it always feels like she is just doing me a favor. She just lays there while I try to do my best to stimulate her. Keep in mind that she will under no circumstances communicate to me what feels good.


To answer another question. She is affectionate out of the bedroom. We hug and hold hands all the time. Kisses though, that is another matter all together. Our kisses are always quick pecks. Even in the bedroom. We haven't french kissed in so many years I have lost track. Maybe after this long I shouldn't let it bother me. But, I can't help it. I want more and she is the only one for me. Primarily I am looking for advice and to know if this is natural for

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