Getting the Passion Back.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Getting the Passion Back.....
10
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 1:55pm

Hello all. My situaion is very simple and I hope to mostly solicit a mens point of view here but anyone feel free to give your two cents.

I am 28 years old and have been married for 3 years. I've been with hubby for a total of 6 years. Very early in our marriage I lost interest in sex and rejected my husband all the time so that he came to me less and less and I never came to him for sex. This resulted in our having sex about twice a month for a couple of years. I admitted this to one of my very good friends one day who then opened up about her very exciting and active sex life with her husband. I found hearing these things a turn-on and craved sex more. I started coming to my husband for sex more, about once a week or so hoping he would go back to his ways of coming to me at least every other day. He did not. This I can understand. I would be afraid of the rejection too.

My husband has never voiced displeasure with any of this by the way.

So in September a few other issues came out and our marriage was on the rocks. We started counseling and are much better now. Our sex life has improved to the point of us having sex about twice a week, mostly initiated by me. I would still like sex more.

I guess I cant understand why my husband is still so lazy about sex. Most of the time he seems disiinterested but claims he is interested. The sex is good once it starts most of the time but there is no passion building up beforehand. My husband never gives me foreplay and I have admitted that I dont like oral sex but there are other things he can do.

I just want a more exciting sex life like we once had and I dont know how to get it back. I hate to bring this up to him because I dont want him to think I dont enjoy myself with him. But I know it can be so much better. Guys fess up!! What should I do?
Do guys ever get to a point where sex is not a big deal in a marriage anymore??

Thanks a lot!!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:06pm

Well, after living with a girl for a year and sleeping in the same bed and not having sex, I can tell you it will definitely make you a little gun shy when it comes to initiating. It takes a while to get over.

I would suggest plannig some sex nights. One time, you do it, next time, he does it. There are fun little games you can buy too, at your local adult store, that while ARE a little silly, make you do a lot of foreplay type stuff.

Mostly though, you two should just really open up about things you like, and things you want to try, outside the bedroom. Then, when you are back in the bedroom (so to speak), you both have the knowledge if what the other would like, and how far your boundaries go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:36am

Dear LNM,

I suspect what is happening here is that on some level your husband is angry and a little resentful (I'm sure that this is completely unconscious by the way). For years he wanted sex and was rejectd and so he supressed that part of his being; now you decide that you want it and all of a sudden he feels he's supposed to be James Bond. On an unconscious level he realizes that the shoe is on the other foot and the hurt child inside (yeah, I know a bit of cliche', but we do all have one) is having a tantrum and is going to turn the tables. Also, on some level he is afraid of completely letting go because he is afraid that you will turn the tables again.

You may want to talk to him about this and allow him to release some of that resentment. Find ways to assure him that this isn't just "some temporary faze" that you are going through. Then just for fun, talk about some fantasies, do some out of town trips and let him initiate at times. Tell him how much you love when takes control, etc. etc. He knows that you don't like oral sex, but is he fully aware of what you DO like? Have you asked him to do those things? Have you offered to do the things that he likes?

It sounds to me like you guys have spent a few years being emotionally supressed and now you are opening to each other. That's great! But you also need to remember that it's a process and let it be what it is. It's not unusual to take two steps forward and then one back.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 1:38pm

Hi Scott,

Thanks so much for your point of view. It makes sense. We have talked about the issue a little and my guy has said that he doesn't resent me for this adn that he just figured I didn't want it and it's not a big deal to him so he stopped initiating. He knows part of the reason why I was rejecting him is because I resented him for withdrawing his showing physical affection. What a big mess! Anyway, it is VERY difficult to get anything out of my guy relating to what he does and doesn't like. I will flat-out ask him if there is anything he wants to try and he claims there is nothing. Meanwhile I am having all these fantasies. I am afraid to hurt him by bringing them up.

My husband isn't very open-minded when it comes to things like this. I mean, I will try and flirt with him and say suggestive things and he just looks at me like I have 3 heads. And if I say there is something I like he may do it but it's only once in awhile.

I had also brought up to my husband that my sex drive has returned and that I have wanted to inititate sex with him but didn't for various reasons to which he replied that he would NEVER have turned me away. I suppose to real way to get to the bottom of things is to talk. That is the hardest part for me. I am trying to learn how not to suppress my feelings, which I have done for years. I am always afraid of the response I will get out of him on various subjects. I just dont want to hurt his feelings on this.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 5:11pm

OOOH Get the idea dice. You roll and one has an action and one has a location, direction, or another action.


You could get SHOWER with clothes on or KISS Feet or KISS FAST or MAKE LOVE NAKED


and you just take turns rolling until you can't roll anymore!

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 7:55pm

So Scott, he's pouting!! Men think like that? LIke you didn't give it to me so now I am not giving it to you?


Love having men on the board! Such an eye opener! Thanks for the post!

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:13pm

Lonely,


I desperately wanted my DH to tell me his fantasies. And when I told him mine, he was open to it but I could tell still cautious. So, I was persistant... I asked his and if he said he had none, I would back off but constantly told him mine until it was easy and comfortable for him and now guess what - he talks sexy like nothing I've ever heard before!!!!


He may look at you like you have three heads b/c even though you are expressing wants - he still feels a little inhibited and cautious with participating. If sharing your desires feels good to you, the continue to do it. He will come around. ;-)


Jennie

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:29pm
I'm not sure if Scott meant he is *pouting* but more afraid of opening up again and becoming vulnerable.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:10am

Hi Jennie,

Everyone pouts once in awhile, not just men... :0) although men have mastered it.

No, I didn't mean that he was doing it consciously, just that he may be reserved and protective due to their past history. It's human nature to avoid pain and move toward pleasure. If you interpret "no" as being rejection which is a painful emotion(and most of us do if it happens most of the time), you try to avoid being rejected by repressing those desires that are not being taken care of...especially if you value monogamy in a relationship. Of course repression is not healthy, but it is human. Once you have associated sexuality with rejection, it's difficult to break out of that. You are suspicious of a change in your partner because you are frightened that should you "drop your defenses" it will result in pain (rejection) again. As I mentioned before, this is not a conscious decision, it is a decision made by the inner psyche.

All I'm saying is that Rome was not built in a day. Basically the OP is in a situation where she has to re-build trust and it will take time and openness on the part of both partners.

By the way, women use this pattern all the time...it's not really a male/female response, rather it's a human response. It's not logical, but logic rarely has anything to do with our inner emotional responses.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:48am

"I guess I cant understand why my husband is still so lazy about sex."
Sorry, but I find that particular statement telling in some way. I'll give some more details below of why I have a unique perspective on what your husband may be thinking, but you have to get it out of your mind that he is being 'lazy' when really what is likely happening (as others have already noted) is that he feels like he's been burned and is taking every precaution to avoid being burned again. This isn't likely to be pouting or resentment on his part, just what he considers a lesson learned. If you were on the rocks in September and then things started to improve, there has hardly been time for him to digest the change let alone know what to do about it. Rejection by the one you love the most cuts the deepest and can take longer to heal. Some can just 'get over it' but for others it may not be so simple.

Since you have re-found your desire have you, even once, rejected him for any reason? Think carefully of what HE would consider rejection, not what you consider rejecting. Once one becomes sensitive to rejection they are more liable to stop very early in the process if they sense any hesitation and feel it as rejection even if the receiver was not necessarily yet aware anything was getting started. If he began to think perhaps things were changing but then shortly afterwards felt rejected once or a few times, that could have been enough to convince him to stay in guarded mode. My case is a bit extreme compared to yours, but I have a tough time not feeling rejected if I take her hand or start giving her soft kisses as a prelude and she pulls away, falls asleep, answers the phone, or gets up for any reason. Give him time to adjust to the latest change and stay consistent so that he can start to see a pattern of the 'new you'. This will undoubtedly take longer than you want it to, it already apparently has, but just as he has been patient with you it is time for you to be patient with him so that he can learn to trust in your new-found interest. As others have stressed, talk to him. Communicate. Above all, however, try to reassure him that the change is genuine and don't set expectations on him ... yet. Some will say 'tell him what you need, what you want, etc etc' but from experience I can tell you that may very well make matters worse. If he feels you suddenly went from stingy to demanding, and he could easily perceive it that way, he'll think of it as going from one bad to another bad.

Anyone curious about my experience may read on, this is just an FYI on my perspective (my resume, so to speak). Most would probably be safer stopping here!

I'll leave the gory details out, but here are some notes about my extreme situation:
- Outside of the bedroom, a truly satisfying marriage. In every other aspect we complete and complement each other so well it makes many of our friends ill and/or jealous.
- Married 18 years. Had about 3 years of a satisfying sex life before a CL (Clashing Libido) issue developed. Started with her being angry at me for a surprise pregnancy. My apparent 'punishment' for that was 8 months without sex. Not intentional, she just was so upset she could not deal with it. She virtually stopped intiating as well.
- Spent 9 years trying to work on that situation but her rule #1 was, this is a forbidden subject. I was demanding and incorrigible and that was that. She reserved the right to reject me anytime, anywhere, for any reason or no reason at all. Once a month usually satisfied her, so that was enough for her. I initiated less often each year.
- I should mention here that during this 12 year period I made sure we had regular date nights, surprised her with flowers often, we always went to an elegant dinner and Bed & Breakfast for anniversaries and sometimes for Valentines. She is a SAHM but I still do half or more of the laundry, make dinner once or twice each week, give her time away, etc.
- In 1998 after our anniversary I made a decision that if she could reject me anytime at all I would finally reserve the right to NOT be rejected, so I began to wean myself off from initiating- I would only intiate if I was 90% certain she was receptive. To complicate things, shortly after this decision she developed some problems requiring several procedures and plenty of pain culminating in a hysterectomy last year.
- By 2002 I finally decided that I simply could not determine with any accuracy when she was interested, so I nearly stopped initiating altogether. Since then I have initiated 5 times and have been rejected 'only' twice. Note this does not include the number of times I 'felt' rejected, but that is another issue. Amazingly she simply changed and started initiating again to stay with her recommended monthly allowance of 1.
- AGAIN- Outside of the bedroom, a truly satisfying marriage. In every other aspect we complete and complement each other so well it makes many of our friends ill and/or jealous.

For those who stuck it out, I'm sorry. Bet you wish you'd have stopped when I warned ya, huh? Anyway I detailed all of this to say, I can be about as stubborn as one can get and even I would have had difficulty if my wife had made a sudden about-face at any point. Now I know you can not promise this is a real, lasting change and that is the crux of the matter for him as well. Many issues to deal with:
- Is this real?
- How long will this last? When will it end?
- When do you let your guard down? Do you let your guard down?
- Is the pleasure worth the risk?
- What caused this? There's got to be more to the story.

Sorry this is so ugly and rambling, I feel like I've gotten lost and I know the story well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 5:09pm

I haven't read the other threads, but when a man stops being sexual ina marriage, its usually due to being constantly rejected. Sex is VERY VERY important to men, and not just for the reasons everyone think. It's their way of emotionally bonding with their loved one. When we women say no all the time, it hurts them. Women's way of bonding is thru communication. Imagine if our husbands refused to converse with us except for once a month.

The good news is you caught it. I think you're right - he's playing it safe, and only going along if you're definitely in the mood. You may have already done this, but I think what might help is to acknowledge what's been going on. A playful way of doing it could be to gently move his book or laptop one night, straddle him and say "you know what, hun? I've been missing out on a great thing here. I have an amazing man I could have been loving all this time and I really messed up. You were right. The good news for you is, I plan to make it up to you in the BEST way!"

Then hopefully after a few weeks of lots of wild kinky sex (probably initiated by you), he'll begin to realize its here to stay.

Congrats on your reawakening!!