Help me help someone....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Help me help someone....
8
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:34am
Howdy all...I was out this weekend with a girlfriend of mine we were just having a dessert and talking. Of course we ended up talking about sex for some reason people seem to open up to me about that...So she told me that her and her hubby have been together since college neither one has slept with anyone else. She said she had been wondering lately what it would be like with someone else. I was shocked. She went on to say how she didn't have sex very often but they are trying to have a baby...She is 30 he is 33. They only do it in bed(how boring)...I was telling her how my dh wanted to take me over the stove the other morning but I had to turn him down becasue I was wicked late and then all day I regretted it.Anyways...I asked her if they have romantic sex or hot sex and when was the last time she had either...she thought they had hot sex but wasn't convincing. And there was no time frame. She never walks up to her dh and grabs his ass or gives him a long passionate kiss. I asked if she got tingly from a kiss from him and she said no. I am not even sure she has ever had an orgasm from her dh...she said she figured out how "it" works for her and she has to be on top all the time. So...oh and he has asthma that is not incontrol and tends to wheeze during sex so that is a turn off. But I want to help her and I am not sure how to ...should I ask if she has ever had an O? How many women can have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation? I would think not many from watching Oprah. Her husband is so handsome and such a nice guy. He is very laid back...he called while we were dining and I told her to tell him we were naked at applebes...my dh would have said something like well I'll be right there or what are you doing naked? And Her dh said nothing...So can anyone help me help her? What do I say? She thinks my dh and I are goofy because we are allover each other but I can't help myself. I hope someone has a good idea here....thanks emily
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:45am
Well, I was kind of in the same boat as your friend. I have a higher drive than DH and although he does things a lot of other married couples don't I wanted more. When I would bring up sex, he would kind of get irritated and wonder why I wanted to discuss it again. I decided to do my own things and let it go. But at the same time started doing more romantic things rather than sexual. It worked. He was in the mood more often due to the emotional connection. Although he doesn't like to talk, he still likes to know I love him and am attracted to him and want to work on us. He's kinda sappy that way. Lately he's been a little more adventurous and we're working on things. Hopefully things will just keep getting better and better. That's not to say I don't think of other men, I just wouldn't carry through on it. It isn't worth it. A relationship isn't just about sex. We are so great in other ways that I don't mind compromising on this. He's willing to step out of his comfort zone a little and I'm willing to not get everything I want in the bedroom. It's a balancing act.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 6:19pm

#1 When your trying to concieve, sex becomes work, not pleasure. I tried for 2 years and it was like a job. Got real distasteful really quick.
*Maybe talk her into to changing focus. Let go and let God take control of her biological clock. Thier sex life now focuses on being parents, not lovers as much.

#2 Next time take her for dessert AND to Fredricks or Victoria's Secret. Talk to her about stepping out of her comfort zone to "wow" him. We all go through that stage where we don't feel sexy anymore ya know. If that is extreme for her, buy it and tell her to try it on when he is @ work and get used to herself being sexy again.

#3 Maybe they are both at a point in thier marriage where they have hit "comfortable". Maybe her dropping him a sexy note or call will spark his intrests again.

#4 Print this post and show her this..."I, myself felt the same way...had sex with another man thinking I'd feel better. I have asked God for forgivness and still feel really dirty about it. Yes, I felt needed for a change but I couldn't face my hubby anymore, divorced him because of my own guilt and shame and ended up marrying somebody completely different. My mother once told me, its not how old the penis is, its not how big the penis is, its not how much you make the penis work, its not finding a new penis when the old one gets old.... its loving the man and the penis responding! (LMAO) But its so true!

Last but NOT least....take matters in your own hands. Type her a sexy note from him and type him a sexy note from her, attach them to balloons,wine, whatever and have them delivered to thier work. When they get home they are both anticipating the other. (Did that for a g-friend and she said it was the most erotic night they ever had!) She still doesn't know it was me!

Good Luck Em !!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 6:46pm
I love the balloon idea! I wish someone would do that for me! You could start a business! LOL.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 8:33pm
OH MY GOD!!!! I love the balloon idea!!!! Thank you so much!!! I might even do that for two of my girlfriends one for Valentine's Day!!! Oh now I have so much to think about. Thanks soooooooo much!!! one big (((((((((hug))))))) from me to you!!!!!
ttfn em
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 6:45am

Want another suggestion? If she spends any time at all on-line tune her in to the message boards here. Especially if neither she nor her husband have been with other people before being with each other. In my opinion this is one of the most informative places I have come across, with a vast range of experiences, people, ideas, questions, and so on, and so on... She will learn so much, and perhaps find answers to questions she had, or ones she didn't know she had. She can only gain in self-confidence!

And the ivillage policy, which I respect and appreciate very much, means that I, at least, feel "safe" here.

Oh, and while I am at it, (seem to be veering off topic somewhat but it's what happens) I am SO impressed with all the moderaters here. They do a great, even handed job, which can't always be easy. So that adds to the atmosphere here as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 9:48am

"Oh, and while I am at it, (seem to be veering off topic somewhat but it's what happens) I am SO impressed with all the moderaters here. They do a great, even handed job, which can't always be easy. So that adds to the atmosphere here as well."

Bravo nenuphar_19!! I think this board has stepped up in the last couple of weeks! New posters have come out and I'd like to think it has something to do with the warm and friendly atmosphere here - not just computer generated responses but real people! Jump in anytime!!!! Also, you gotta go to the post and tell about your "handle!"LOL

Thanks for your comment!

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:26am

Well, I think the main thing you can do to help her is - what you are already doing. So many times, with isssues that revolve around sex, communciation is the biggest problem. If you can get her to open up and simply talk about it, then you can also encourage her to open up and talk about it with her DH. You can tell her every trick in the book, and she can try things in bed, but unless the two of them actually talk to each other, and tell each how they feel, they really won't get anywhere.


Encourage her to tell her problems to her DH so they can work out a solution together. Chances are, they are both probably feeling the same way. And I'm not saying you should STOP talking to her either. And sure, suggestions in the bedroom are great, things that you and yours do, it is all wonderful, and you are being a great friend, with trying to help her, and asking us about it too. She is lucky to have a friend like you!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:25am
Thanks so much Joel that was so kind of you. I will just keep plugging...I think I might do the balloon thing it sounds like fun but I have to make the messages tame and not racy because I don't think they are a racey couple. I am not sure. Oh well thanks so much for the kind words this is a nice place to talk to people. TTFN em
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