His kinkiness intimidates me! Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
His kinkiness intimidates me! Help?
3
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 4:41pm

Hi, guys!. I posted this on another board, because I don't know the best place to put it. I put it here because (down the road) I may want to consider marriage with this guy. But I'm afraid I will have insecurity issues that might haunt us. I'm hoping that your experience will give me some insight.

Here's the deal: I met this guy about a month ago, who in almost every respect, is my ideal man. We clicked right away when we first met, and he is hot, successful, a great parent, smart and (seemingly) into me. It's pretty clear that we have it all to be a long term couple.

But here's the problem. This guy is VERY experienced. He loves sex in every aspect. I wouldn't define him as an addict by any means. But it's on his mind alot. Now, he did say that he knows in a long term relationship, it's realistic to only have sex 4 or 5 times a week. That's not the issue. The issue is that He's VERY kinky. He's played with more toys and done more that I probably ever thought about doing. We've had several discussions about it, and I'm appreciative of that, because I'm open to trying some of it. He even printed out this long questionnaire that we both took to determine what we have done, what we would be willing to try, and what we are solidly opposed to. His answers were way different than mine. And I thought that I was pretty open!

I see that he checks out women (although he's subtle about it) when we're out, and he's been to some pretty "open" parties in countries where sex is uninhibited. He loves the female body and everything that goes along with it. I know that porn is a part of his life, although he insists that he prefers it with a mate. This guy is also in perfect shape, while I look more like Bridget Jones. He's had some long term relationships that obviously didn't work out (he has mentioned that some thought he was too kinky). He is disease free, and very affectionate and thoughtful. He has told me that he is looking for something long-term and monogamous, and I can see that he would make a great life partner. It wouldn't take much for me to fall hard for him.

I'm all for giving it a shot, but I just came out of a relationship where my ex was secretly chatting and having sex online and watching porn on the net all the time without my knowledge. We barely had any sex life and I felt neglected and extremely self-conscious. I like this new guy a lot. Is there hope for us? How do I handle that squeamish feeling I get when I think about his past? Something inside me gnaws at the fact that he has done (blank) before or (blank) so many times and would like to do (blank). Fill those in with whatever you come up with. It will fit, believe me. Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:31am

Tobi,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 11:59am

Hi Tobi,

Your previous marriage was one where sexual activity was covert...in other words, your husband hid his desires. Supressed desire is the root of all evil IMHO. This new guy is open and that's good.

Having said that, it's important to have strong boundries on your part and know what you will do or won't do. My wife and I are clear, we will try anything the other wants as long as A) it is not dangerous B) it involves only the two of us. THat is our boundry and we both keep it.

You didn't mention what your new bf's personal tastes are, but if they are beyond yours be clear as to what you will do and don't allow yourself to feel pressured to do those things that are uncomfortable. If you are clear he will most likely respect that and you can both move from there.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:26pm
Hi Tobi - your situation sounds a lot like mine.

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