How do I respond?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
How do I respond?
14
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:05am

I've been married for 25 years +. My wife and I have sex 2-3 times a month and she controls when we have sex-- I am almost always rejected if I make advances, so I rarely iniate. My wife also controls the type of sex we have, and it is usually 'vanilla'. I would like to have sex much more frequently, and I'd like to 'spice it up'.

I tried to bring this up this evening and my wife's response was: So I have a lower libido then you. What do you want me to do about it?

I really don't know how to respond. How can I answer that question without being selfish? Please help me out.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: siwho
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 9:20am

You're not

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
In reply to: siwho
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 9:55am

Tish is right on!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: siwho
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:25pm
Bare with me I just joined. I'm usually on answerology.com. If I were in your shoes I would be a man and challenge her. Too many men put women on a pedestel and take crap from them especially when their locked into marriage. That doesn't stop me. If my woman wasn't putting out I would tell her, "You're either taking care of business or you're going to go out of business !! She would say, what do you mean ? And I would say, you damm well know what I mean. If you don't want sex anymore I could give a damm - I'll just find it elsewhere. If it means diovorce - so be it. Why is it that women think they can do all these things to land a man but they don't do the things to keep a man. I think people go into a marriage with a country club mentality - "What can you do for me." vs what can I do for you? As far as I'm concerned if these women out there don't want to have sex then don't waste our time getting us involved in a relationship. It's just damm down right unfair to withold something that the husband has every right to. You have some serious questions to ask yourself. I myself
would basically not tolerate a sexually lazy tree sloth for a wife.
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: siwho
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:39pm
I wouldn't categorize your situation quite as harshly as Seasoned did, but I do agree that both partners in a marrige should feel obligated to keep each other as satisfied and happy as possible. Your wife is in essesnce telling you to "take it or leave it". She has declared that SHE is the one who decides when you will be allowed to have sex with her. I'm afraid that you have allowed this to happen, but it should not be too late to change the uneven equation in your marriage. I think a firm, direct conversation is needed in your marriage. Thank God I married a loving, sharing woman who delights in keeping me happy (as I delight in pleasing her, and not just in the bedroom). Good luck in reactivating your firm backbone.


Edited 11/7/2005 11:32 pm ET by gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: siwho
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 7:14pm

<<>>

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: siwho
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:50am

Hi OP,

I can see that seasoned has some strong opinions about sex LOL!

However, I do disagree with him on some points. First, no one has a "right" to sex with anyone and that includes your wife/husband. If you have a right to sex with her, then she has no right to say no and those two things cannot exist simultaneously. Mostly when you demand thing...or push someone into doing something they push back, which makes it all the more difficult to get your needs met. If she does have sex with you out of a sense of obligation then you will pay for it. She will become resentful because she will feel something is being "taken" from her (none of us like that) and will disconnect from you even further.

I believe in the 3 'C's of relationship: Compassion, Communication and Compromise.

If you can have compassion for her position it will help you feel less like a victim and more like a partner in this. So begin by asking yourself why she doesn't want to discuss your sex life by basically shutting you down by saying "we just have different libido's..." My guess is that she might be feeling embarrassed by her different sex drive. She may feel like a "good wife" has sex with her husband more. Or she may be frustrated by her lack of sex drive. Or maybe she has other needs that are not being satisfied, and until those are satisfied, she cannot open up to the sexual side of herself easily?

It is my experience that people want to help their partners get their needs met, but due to conditioning, disconnection with their own feelings and needs and guilt about their "performance" (not just sex, but a variety of things), they cannot give.

Secondly, communicate your feelings and needs. Keeping in mind that your feelings are yours. So try not to use desciptions for feelings that do not denote your ownership of them. "I feel: rejected, unloved, etc. etc." are feeling descriptions that will shut down communication by bringing in the shadow of guilt in your communication. Rather use words that encourage your ownership: sad, lonely, frustrated...etc.

Finally, once you have FULLY connected with her feelings and needs and your feelings and needs, allow for compromise so that you can both get your needs met.

Good luck!
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In reply to: siwho
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 10:18am
There is some truth to some of what seasoned said..There ARE women who ACT like sexual vixens until they get married, then afterwards the big change comes about, and the interest before marriage obviously was an act. Unfortunately its more common than people would like to admit. Im sure it may happen with males , but Im sure its not near as common.
That old joke about,"why is the bride smiling coming back up the isle"? Shes knows shes givin her last blowjob...lol
While thats certainly not true in most marriages, it happenes enough for the joke to be created..lol
I empathize with a man in this situation, I was there.Imagine having sex 3 times on a 10 day honeymoon..It happened to me, and that set the tone for the rest of the marriage. All the negotiations, pleading, counseling, and then later ,demanding, nothing worked. She just wasnst fond of sex, the way she was before marriage.
Honestly it wasnt me , she admitted it, it was she.
After my kid got her pitching scholarship, and went off to college, I finally left.
I couldnt be happier now , I have a wife who is wonderful, AND loves sex.
But it took 24 and a half years to be able to leave, and I played my role as father and husband well.(I grew up without a father, and that wasnt going to happen to my daughter)
My wife and I never fought, and no one would ever know (besides my wife) that I was totally frustrated sexually).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: siwho
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 10:31am
<<>>
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
In reply to: siwho
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:25pm
I didn't read the other replies but I'm in your same shoes after 12 years. 2-3x per month and its just regular. Wife won't do porn, or anything more risque.
It sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: siwho
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:25am

>>Imagine having sex 3 times on a 10 day honeymoon..It happened to me,<<

Well, count yourself lucky. I had sex briefly, once, on a 7 day honeymoon and we went on that three days after the wedding, plus 7 days before the wedding without sex and no sex on the wedding night - which makes a total of 18 days with sex only once after a wedding and honeymoon where you're meant to be doing rabbit impressions.

I was less than impressed, I can tell you that. It then dragged on in a similar vein for 7 months with her making every excuse under the sun before we broke up.

Me STILL bitter and twisted? Nah. LOL! ;-)

Back to the OP's problem. Hell, it's a tough one. What DO you do if someone isn't interested in even talking about the problem let alone trying to do something about it.

Was she always like this?

I think that you've got to talk to her more about it. More than likely she wishes she liked sex more often too and feels bad about it. Unless she's so bloody-minded about it that she doesn't care what you think or what you want. In that case, you've got bigger problems than just a lack of sex.

Maybe you can find out if she's just not interested in sex, if she's bored with it, or if there is anything that you can do to help her get more interested? try to talk about it and suggest that the two of you do more one-on-one stuff - get away for nights out or do "romantic" dinners or nights out or even picnics or something - anything that get her and the two of you into a more sexual frame of mind.

If she's still not wanting to talk then you have to tell her that you are getting frustrated with her not talking about it and that it's important to you to talk and to try and find some common ground about this part of your relationship.

I guess untimately you may have to take it or leave it but I think that you can do plenty before it gets to that stage.




Edited 11/9/2005 3:33 am ET by westridge2001

Pages