How to say no to sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
How to say no to sex?
13
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 2:13pm

Ok, I'm just wondering how wives/girlfriends, etc. say no when their spouse/significant other wants sex, and you just don't have it in you!

I LOVE sex with my husband, and on average we have sex 2-3 times a week. But when he gets horny, he wants more, and then gets pissed when I turn him down. He'll ask for sex at the most random times (in the morning when I'm SO not a morning person, when we have family visiting, when he's drunk) and sometimes I just don't want to have sex when he wants to, and then he gets mad when I say no. And I don't want to be the bitchy wife that turns him down all the time, but why do we always have to have sex when he wants to? (and it's not like he's deprived and doesn't get sex!)

Oh, and in addition, lately he's been putting the "you're pushing me away" guilt trip on me, and telling me that if I don't respond when he wants me to he's never going to try to initiate sex again (which just makes me angry- doesn't make me want to have sex).

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone has any good ways they have learned to let their husbands down gently or ways to gear sex toward a more appropriate time?

THANKS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 2:22pm

In general, snoring in the easy chair while watching TV is a sure sign to me that my DW isn't really in the mood for any non-sleep related activities when we go to bed.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 3:35pm
You could tell him "a little later,honey".....my dh is somewhat the same way...We have a 2 year old and if he's not asleep it's hard to keep him occupied for longer than a minute LOL
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 4:35pm

If you have enjoyable sex on a regular basis, and you nicely say, "not now, but I'll make it up to you _____" (some later time), then I don't think he has a right to be angry. I mean, sex should be a mutual pleasure. Just my opinion. And for him to expect you to be in the mood when he's drunk, I don't think that's right either.

Would it help if you initiated a little more often? Something maybe you could discuss OUTSIDE the bedroom, at a neutral time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 6:36pm

Dh and have a lot of sex, so the once in a while I'm just not into it for one reason or another, I just tell him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 7:20am
I used to get mad like your husband. It took me a long time to realize we have different schedules. I understand when she says NO it's not a rejection. I think she saw how in the begining if she did say no it really hurt me so she would go to "how about tomorrow". I figured that out because tomorrow usually didn't happen! You need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk. I would tell him mornings and being drunk are out so don't even go there. Work out a plan so he doesn't feel pushed away. Our's is she does all the initiating so she doesn't have to say NO. If I really want it one night, I will say I'm going to take a shower. If she says not to I know ahead of time its not going to happen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:12pm
Ok so if you read my board I rarely do get sex,let's say every 3 months and longer after being married a year. I would love to get as much as you do from my husband. Well anyways I hope this can help,I don't know if this has been suggested or not. Get him a sex toy then he can please himself anytime, if anything give him a hand,literaly-no real sex involved with that, go take a shower if applicaple make it cold or cool- trust me he won't follow. And from experience if you give a firm NO sex even once and he forces you?I wouldn't know if that applies but you get the meaning? then it's sexual abuse and it needs to be takin care of, also a sex therapist or a therapist in general. It's all to get him to LISTEN to you and your feelings. I hope this will help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:31pm
You two have what is commonly referred to as Clashing Libidos..You think 2-3 times a week is a lot, he thinks its about half of what he needs.I can tell you right now, he does feel rejected and resentment has already set in. Big problems are on the horizen if its not fixed soon. He is going to get to the place where he never asks because he doesnt want to be rejected...For a short while you just might try being the aggressor, or not turning him down for a while, till you can talk about it...Never know if you arent in the mood, but he starts kissing you and touching you, you just might GET into the mood..funny how that works.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:53pm

In order to help you out more - it would be helpful for me if you told me what words you are currently using to tell him no (reject him as he prob sees it).


I make sure to keep my DH well informed on my moods, my emotions and my needs... and am open to hearing his too. I tell him often when he approaches me for sex at a good time that I like doing it at this time or this way... postively reinforce the desired behavior. That sounds controlling - but it is an effective communication tool for us.


Sometimes, when I know he really wants it - I give in - and try to change my mind set to be one of openness and desire. It works a lot of time.


Other times, I am just honest, honey, I am very tired and then tell him why. I try to engage him in conversation to get us in tune with each other so he understands i am NOT rejecting him, I need him - just not sexually at the moment.


I try and avoid the words: no, not right now, maybe tomorrow, b/c No = rejection, NOT RIGHT NOW = never to my DH , and if you make a sex promise and you don't keep it - it's an empty promise.


Jennie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:55pm

Heheh so your advice is for her to fall asleep in front of the TV... well, my DH comes after me even when I am asleep!!! hahahah


Jennie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:56pm

The only problem is that the FIRST time you don't actually do it a little later, he will never forget and that excuse will never again work.


He will just feel put off. I think men want their sexual feelings to be validated - esp when they can't be fullfilled.


Jennie

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