How to start things up again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2011
How to start things up again
5
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 10:14am

I've been married to my wife for 23 years. In the beginning our sex life was fantastic and over the years it diminished after having kids and all that. That part I can understand to some extent. But for the last 10 years our sex life has diminished to nothing. She always comes up with excuses to avoid being together, even when we were alone. We haven't had sex in well over a year.

A few years ago I ended up having a very brief fling which she found out about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 2:24pm

Did she cut off sex all together, forbidden topic of sex, no interest in sex, hooked up with women, all after your affair? What was the situation before she found out about your affair?

I can understand if maybe she is embarrassed about coming clean with hooking up with other women, but she is going out and having her sexual needs met. But acting like sex is a forbidden topic for you, and telling you how little sex your friends are having, and you should be thinking about other things?

I don't mean to offend you, but this sounds very selfish on your wife's part, depending on situation of how things were prior to your affair.

Again, I'm not trying to offend you. She is also bashing you in those emails, by saying that you are old-fashioned and boring, you really think a threesome with her and one of these women is going to happen?

I would definitely bring up the fact that you saw the emails and try to have a calm and civil conversation with her about it. I would also tell her to be completely honest with you in regards to your sexual relationship and if it will ever come out of the dead end it's in. I would try and explain, not make her feel guilty about the old-fashioned and boring remarks, what you could do to make it more exciting for her, otherwise she is probably just going to get defensive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2011
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 12:12am

If I were you, I'd definitely tell her you saw the emails. I'd ask her what the deal was and if there is a reason she is hiding that from you. Ahe may be ashamed of her feelings for other women, depending on her religious beliefs or how she was raised even. It could also be that she may be unaware that you approve or are turned on by the thought of it. She may not know how to tell you. Bring it up though if you have any hope of trying to save your marriage. It could be true too though that she may no longer be interested in men and wants to stick strictly to women. You won't know until you ask. But do ask. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 12-23-2011 - 7:19am
Hmmm, interesting. I wonder what she would say/do if you told her you have seen her emails? That may have to be the next step. It has to be talked about, though I know how hard that is to do.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2011
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 11:54am

She has no idea I saw the emails. She happened to leave her email account logged in one day when I went to the laptop to check my own email. As far as talking with her I can barely get past the idea of us being together. If I mention having sex she acts like it's a forbidden topic and that she has no interest in sex whatsoever. She's even told me how little sex our friends have and that I really should think about other things. It is very frustrating to have no passion in a marriage. But when I think about how interested and horny she was when she was hooking up with other women, it make me scratch my head. It's almost like she has interest in sex and other women but maybe she is just too embarrased to let me know. In those emails she would say I was old-fashioned and boring. And here I am thinking it would be awesome to see her with another woman, or even have a threesome. I just want to bring back some passion to our marriage, because I can't imagine lasting much longer without sex in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 11:44am

Hi and welcome. Does she know that you saw her emails? How did you happen to come across them?

Why not try talking to her? Ask her about any and all fantasies she has, and tell her yours. Or each one of you make a list of 5 things that you may be willing to try, then exchange lists, look them over and discuss each one.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006