Husband doesnt like my fantasy, what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2013
Husband doesnt like my fantasy, what to do?
11
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 3:24am

See i recently read the fifty shades of grey trilogy and i discussed with my husband trying

some of the sexual things in the book. He was taken back by it. he said he would try it but didnt

like the idea and was turned off by it. he acted like it was crazy of something. i dont know what to

do. should i give up my fantasy? how can i get him to see it from my way. any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 3:36pm

I am not familiar with the book, but prehaps you could tell us what you wanted to do?  I am fairly open, but if you wanted to do something that could make your husband feel inadequate or silly, I could see where it could turn him off. 

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2013
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 9:58pm
the stuff I suggested doing was, blindfold, maybe handcuffs, restraining arms up, light kinky stuff, nothing over the top .
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2012
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 1:43pm
I will admit that I was pretty turned off by the book. It wasn't the sex necessarily, just the way that the woman was so degraded and humiliated in a way. I think that doing some light bondage can be a lot of fun, if you let your husband read any of the book though, he could have been turned off. Could you start it off with just a blindfold and go from there? Take baby steps and he might find it erotic as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 12:49pm

Alot of times, men are conditioned to want to protect their wives. Doing things described in that book could be hard for a man to do in that light. I totally understand why that it is hot to you though. Perhaps you can explain to him why you like the fantasy and how it makes you feel? Has he been open to other things in the past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 1:10pm

Like the other posters have said, start slow.  Make sure that your husband can put a stop to anything if he feels uneasy about it.  Maybe start with the blindfold because that might be the least threatening.  Show how you enjoy doing the things and how maybe he can help you enjoy them.

CH

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 8:19pm

Sometimes when I suggest something new to my husband, he says "no" right away but if I give him time to think about it, he changes his mind.  I have learned to suggest but not pressure him.  He almost always comes around and we have fun trying something new.  

I agree with the others who recommend baby steps.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:02pm

There are two things to keep in mind here:

1) Not all vanilla people can get used to (and comfortable with) kinky sex, particularly the varieties of BDSM. 

2) 50 Shades of Grey is VERY, VERY unrealistic, in a lot of ways.  Most of us in the BDSM world really dislike it, for that reason.

Light bondage, spanking, domination, etc. are almost vanilla things these days, but there are a lot of vanilla men who are hesitant to do it.  They have been conditioned all their lives to not hit women, not order them around, etc., and that can be very difficult for them to get past.  There is also a LOT of disinformation about BDSM out there, so many people still think (wrongfully so) that it is abusive, sick, etc.

You need to talk to him about all this very openly and honestly.  He may or may not come around - there's no way to guarantee that he will. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:04pm

By the way, stay away from handcuffs.  Stick with leather cuffs or soft, flexible things (like scarves).  Metal handcuffs can really tear up your wrists if you don't know what you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2002
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 10:38am
From a male point of view, just wanted to give my two or three cents. I find this to be a very exciting topic and worthy of discussion. I agree with many posters comments about taking it slow, however, you feel how you feel. I found it funny when I tried to post, it had me log-in first. At the bottom of the log-in, you have to click submit. (ha-ha). My wife also read the series...twice, and then went on to Sylvia Day's Bared to you series. I found myself waiting and hoping for a conversation or a change, however, most of the comments were to her female friends, also reading and enjoying it. Nothing on my end.. but not really surprising ans my wife is not very sexual, plus she is very over weight which can cause a lot of other mental barriers to a quality sex life and self esteem. So when she was enjoying that, I picked up a book about BDSM myself, but much more hard core, Master of the Mountain (Cherise Sinclair), I enyoed it, the outdoor scene was hot. I am now reading a book, Surrender To Me, by Shayla Black. In both of these books, I did not find the Dominant/ submissive relationship to be degrading. I found it more to be about dominance in intimacy, which i'm sure there are a lot of women, and men, who would like to experience this. I especially am enjoying the relationship, as it is unfolding, in Surrender To me. She has a similar opinion that submission is degrading. However, her mind is saying that and not her body. But also, the dominant in the book, Hunter, is trying to express to her that it is all about giving her what he knows she desires. Intimate dominance and pleasure. He has no interest in changing her as a person out side of the bedroom. He also gives her what is called a Safe Word. If she is to utter that word, he will stop what ever he is doing. I have been on sites like Collarme and fetlife to try an learn more about dominance. There are many things I see in disbelief. I also do not agree with degradation of a woman. Picture of bruising of breasts and butts. Not sure how someone can do that, or receive that, although I am not against a little spanking. However, I extremely like the idea of dominance for the purpose of giving my wife the most ultimate pleasure that she has ever received, with out her pulling away, which she will often do, which I feel, to some extent, is robbing her of Extreme pleasure, whether it be fear or some other reason, I don't know. We have used vibrators in the past and she recently went to an adult toy store with me (i was shocked) andmentioned that the only thing she was really interested in trying from the book was the ben wa balls. I bought them and have used them twice, both times I think she was more aroused than I have ever scene her. I guess, my question would be to you, have the two of you used any toys in the past of is it strictly vanilla? Not knowing what your intimate life is normally like, what kind of a bed do you have? Do you have the type of bed that has something you can hold onto? Perhaps you could try to hold onto the bed, with out letting go, while he touches you, picture in your head that your hands are restrained and cannot move. If this really gets your motor running, perhaps he will see that. Make sure he understands that you are not doing this to be his slave, so he doesn't feel like he is degrading you. Just a few thoughts, hope I didn't go too far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2013
Fri, 09-06-2013 - 11:23pm
My wife also read the book, and loved it and in the subtle way that only a woman can, she let me know she'd be up for some of that. We were both very adventurous before we started dating, and it definitely has carried through to marriage. That said, it took some getting use to for me to get into blindfolds, tying up, "degrading" her. Knowing how to degrade her, yet she is my wife, was really confusing, so I told her that. She assured me that it was a fantasy or turn-on which made it easier for me to try it. Another concern was, would I be good at it? Your husband may be worried about that. I wasn't sure about what to do or say, but we just tried it and discovered her promiscuous past was the perfect topic to talk about! There's no way I would have seen that coming. I guess now that I think about it my advice is, talk to him, try to let him know some specific things he can do that you'll like so he doesn't have to be as concerned about not being good at it (ego!) Maybe you could also ask if he has anything he's wanted to try, and see if you can do it. Good luck!

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