I want sex and my husband only pretends to

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I want sex and my husband only pretends to
23
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 6:41pm
I can't stand it. I thought men wanted sex more than women? I've been with my husband for 4 years, married for only one. We have a three year old daughter and I have a seventeen year old son. We have a great family but the sex life is horrible. When we first dated it was phenomenal but quickly we hit a rut and I started to realize he was t the typical make as far as sex drive goes. It's gotten worse every year. We should be in our honeymoon stage still but we have sex about once a month or do and usually only after I bring it up and beg for it. He says he's tired or just caught up with work. He owns a company and is always working at his laptop! I've tried books, toys, clothes, strip clubs etc....but it's all short lived! I feel like maybe I think about it too much or I'm too sensual for him but I'm frustrated and almost feel like its going to cause me to drift to someone else. We've even been to counseling and still go but nothing changes or only for a week it'll change. The passion is gone. But every other aspect of our life is great...should I stop complaining? He says he wants me and sex but funny how he will initiate while I'm cooking and the kids are in the other room or at a time when he knows we won't finish...it's a treads and now I'm just not even into him! Have no clue what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 4:25am

I am not going to tell you anything you don't already know but you only have 3 options:

I like options one and two, and I know where you're coming from with option three, but I don't like that one.

More in response to some of the other posters, I don't think that we've got an unhappy depressed man to deal with.  I just don't believe that he's likely to be depressed due to brain chemistry.  If he's depressed it's because he's too set in his ways or thinking or too lazy to change something.  But what I think that we've got is simply a fat lazy man.  Sure, he could exercise, but it is difficult - even if he wanted to.  Heck, I wouldn't be able to handle going to the gym if my life depended upon it.  The gym sucks. That's one reason why I changed careers to something a lot more physical.  I'll say it one more time - physical exercise.  Get his schedule changed so that he can genuinely do some physical exercise and you'll see changes in many other areas. Sex included.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-1998
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 3:32am

I'm no expert in this kind of counseling, but it seems to me that over a year is about a year too long for something to be coming from the counseling. Are you saying all the things you are posting here in your therapy sessions? You need to be brutally frank in those sessions. The therapist is not a mind reader and cannot help either of you if you don't give him/her the complete picture. If you have been open, have you gotten an opinion from him/her? If not, I would let them know that you want a definitive recommendation. Many therapists are content to sit there and say hmm and collect their money. You don't need or want that. Get an answer or get a new therapist.

You mentioned straying. I understand the temptation, but this is a dangerous approach to take. Preferable make up your mind and either accept the situation or get out of the marriage before taking that step. You need someone to talk with so please use your therapist, a friend, find a friend, continue consulting this board even if it is only because you need to talk about it and you do need to talk about it. If you just bottle it up, it will eventually affect who you are. Please don't do that. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Good luck to you and keep us informed on how you are doing and vent as necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 4:39pm

If talking and seeing a counselor isn't working, why are you still doing these things with any hope of them working in the future?

I have been in your shoes and only action makes a difference.

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