I want sex and my husband only pretends to

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I want sex and my husband only pretends to
23
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 6:41pm
I can't stand it. I thought men wanted sex more than women? I've been with my husband for 4 years, married for only one. We have a three year old daughter and I have a seventeen year old son. We have a great family but the sex life is horrible. When we first dated it was phenomenal but quickly we hit a rut and I started to realize he was t the typical make as far as sex drive goes. It's gotten worse every year. We should be in our honeymoon stage still but we have sex about once a month or do and usually only after I bring it up and beg for it. He says he's tired or just caught up with work. He owns a company and is always working at his laptop! I've tried books, toys, clothes, strip clubs etc....but it's all short lived! I feel like maybe I think about it too much or I'm too sensual for him but I'm frustrated and almost feel like its going to cause me to drift to someone else. We've even been to counseling and still go but nothing changes or only for a week it'll change. The passion is gone. But every other aspect of our life is great...should I stop complaining? He says he wants me and sex but funny how he will initiate while I'm cooking and the kids are in the other room or at a time when he knows we won't finish...it's a treads and now I'm just not even into him! Have no clue what to do.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 4:39pm

If talking and seeing a counselor isn't working, why are you still doing these things with any hope of them working in the future?

I have been in your shoes and only action makes a difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-1998
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 3:32am

I'm no expert in this kind of counseling, but it seems to me that over a year is about a year too long for something to be coming from the counseling. Are you saying all the things you are posting here in your therapy sessions? You need to be brutally frank in those sessions. The therapist is not a mind reader and cannot help either of you if you don't give him/her the complete picture. If you have been open, have you gotten an opinion from him/her? If not, I would let them know that you want a definitive recommendation. Many therapists are content to sit there and say hmm and collect their money. You don't need or want that. Get an answer or get a new therapist.

You mentioned straying. I understand the temptation, but this is a dangerous approach to take. Preferable make up your mind and either accept the situation or get out of the marriage before taking that step. You need someone to talk with so please use your therapist, a friend, find a friend, continue consulting this board even if it is only because you need to talk about it and you do need to talk about it. If you just bottle it up, it will eventually affect who you are. Please don't do that. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Good luck to you and keep us informed on how you are doing and vent as necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 4:25am

I am not going to tell you anything you don't already know but you only have 3 options:

I like options one and two, and I know where you're coming from with option three, but I don't like that one.

More in response to some of the other posters, I don't think that we've got an unhappy depressed man to deal with.  I just don't believe that he's likely to be depressed due to brain chemistry.  If he's depressed it's because he's too set in his ways or thinking or too lazy to change something.  But what I think that we've got is simply a fat lazy man.  Sure, he could exercise, but it is difficult - even if he wanted to.  Heck, I wouldn't be able to handle going to the gym if my life depended upon it.  The gym sucks. That's one reason why I changed careers to something a lot more physical.  I'll say it one more time - physical exercise.  Get his schedule changed so that he can genuinely do some physical exercise and you'll see changes in many other areas. Sex included.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-1998
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 8:11am
"This is an option that really is the BEST most APPROPRIATE option..."

That may be true if you don't care how the consequences of your decisions affect others.




Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.”

― Dalai Lama XIV
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 12:02am
Okay I have no doubt I am going to be read the riot act for this reply but this situation is one close to home so I can't help myself.

I could have written this post myself, nearly word for word. I firmly believe that this particular issue is almost insurmountable if one of you is not willing to be unhappy at least SOME of the time.

I am not going to tell you anything you don't already know but you only have 3 options:

1) Deal with it - meaning give it up. Deal with horrible sex when you get it and make the decision that your marriage and your family is more important than your sexual needs and shut down that part of you. It's hard but possible, I have done it before and it's almost the easiest option.

2) DON'T deal with it - make the choice to be happy. Life is short, stop wasting time chasing happiness with someone you will likely never really find it with. Get a divorce move forward with your life. This is an option that really is the BEST most APPROPRIATE option but most people are cowards (including myself) and don't want to hurt their spouses, their family, friends and children.

3) Have sex with someone else, keep a tight lid on it, and get your needs met elsewhere. He gets left alone, you get laid.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 10:11am

Well Butterfly, that's good that you are doing things for yourself as well. Do you do that sexually as well? I don't mean to pry, and I know know know that it is NOT the same, but, it IS something. It can be a placeholder until things improve. But on that front, it sure sounds like you are getting close to ultimatum time. 

I want to try to give you a little tip, you have to be open though, because it is going to be hard for you. First the tip, then I will relate my story.....

You have an overweight, possible erectile disfunction, surely depressed DH. Plus he has to deal with c;early being unable to satisfy you. Right now, harping on him to satisfy you is actually going to make it worse. What you need to do is be more sympathetic and try to work WITH him. And yes, he is fighting you, and yes, yuo feel like you have been more than accomodating, I'm guessing. I would encourage you to inquire (if you haven't already) during your counseling about the pills. You definitely don't just walk up to the doctor and get those withouth there being a problem. I would also encourage you to bring up him seeing a counselor on his own as well. I'd bet dollars to donuts he has depression. But being sympathetic, letting him know that it is OK and that you want to help him get better is a better approach. Sure, it is NOT OK, but let's just keep that between us, and let him know that he isn't alone. And maybe you don't want to HELP him get better because a lot of animosity has built up, but, he isn't going to get better with how things are right now. 

 

As far as my story, my DW has depression, she is on two anti depressants, plus BC. She also has an immune problem. Those things make her unfeeling and also lacking energy. After our second child, our sexual relationship changed. We previously were pretty adventurous and open. Her immune disorder kicked in around that time, and while we had the one DD for a couple years, it seemed like after the second DD, she turned more towards being in mother mode. For a long time, I would initiate things. I would try to give her oral, try to maybe suggest a new position, or try anything new. Keeping things like they were before. She always refused. Soon she would start to get upset by this, called me a pervert, said I was degrading her by wanting to do those things. Things like haing sex doggie style. And letting me give her oral. She also stopped touching me. My cock for sure, but pretty much anywhere else. I felt so horrible, like she didn't want me and even worse, like I was some sort of pervert. And we are talking about a woman that previously did anal, had sex in front of strangers, and regularly had oral. 

For the longest time I was upset, felt like crap, unwanted and undesired. Tensions in the house rose. We were always picking on each other and being offended and angry a lot. We went to counseling, and she helped us really just get back to being civil to each other. And along the way, I became more sympathetic. I tried to imagine feeling the way she was feeling and trying to have someone practically begging to eat her out, lol. I imagined not having a lot of energy, and having enough to simply HAVE sex, but nothing else. I also leanred to be more patient. 

Things have gotten a LITTLE better. Mostly though, the air is clear and we can smile at each other again. I still haven't had oral on me in about 5 years or so, I still don't get to do her but once every couple months. We haven't even come close to doing some of the other things we used to. I understand her more now though. I wish we could work on things a little more however. I have a feeling she has something in her past that is haunting her, but when we started getting into that at counseling, she blew up and we haven't gone back since. I have since been able to carve out time for myself and do my own thing, so that has helped.

 

Anyway, that's my long winded story! I hope things get better for you Butterfly! Feel free to contact me if you want some more insight, and good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:09pm

But did you go to your doctor or did you wife have to say something to you.  I believe my boyfriend has the same problem or it's his cholesterol medicine.  The only way I found out he had a problem (after asking him for a year and a half what the problem was and being told nothing he wanted sex all the time though I couldn't tell) was when I caught him recording an infomercial on ESPN.  When I asked about he finally fessed up that he just didn't have a desire to it wasn't me.  When I asked why wouldn't he tell me when I had been asking constantly he told me because it was embarrassing.  How can I get him to talk to his doctor when he won't talk to me.  He seems to be willing to lose me before he is willing to discuss this problem openly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:28pm

Wait a minute.. I read the posts and from what you have described and I could be wrong your husband sounds depressed and that will kill libido or I think it will.

By him just going to work and eating and watching tv and that is it and that is not the way a normal person acts right??

Did the counselor see or say he could be depressed?? I think maybe you two might want to take walks together and start doing other physical things otherwise yes the slump will continue..I think all the therapy in the world wont work if good eating habits and exercise and taking vitamins and getting sun and being outside are not done..

If he is depressed there is alot he can do about it..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:14am

Yes, being too busy with work and too tired, those are bad things in general anyway, not to mention how they make YOU feel as well.

He should be trying to fix that for his own health and general welfare. Maybe you could encourage that for those reasons, instead of for sexual reasons, and he might respond? Does his tiredness and working too much affect other areas of his life? Does he have any hobbies, or do anything for his own pleasure?

I hear you, it's VERY tough when one person's libido outdoes the other's. I have to deal with that as well, but not in the same way as you do. It's the general feeling of being unloved, hard to explain, but I get it. 

Are there any things that you do to keep yourself happy? I'm not talking about sexual things, just things in general. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:21pm
Well, he might deny that he has a problem but he clearly has one. You don't get Cialis by accident and you don't get it if you don't need it. Mind you, I know that if you can't get hard when you're thinking that you might be horny then you simply don't get aroused enough to become fully aroused. Catch 22.

Since you're in counselling I think that you should get more assertive about this. You're not telling us what your response to his denials and insistence that there is no problem was. What did you say? And if you didn't say anything, why not? You need to get it across to him that it doesn't matter what he thinks, the fact of the matter is that you are extremely unsatisfied with the frequency of sex. Given that once a month is on the low side of frequency for married sex partners, he really should try to have sex a bit more often.

Get him to make more time away from work. Get him to try taking the pills more often. Get him to try something. If he can't try for someone that he supposedly loves then why bother?

Also, when was the last time he had a full physical at a Doctor's? What about exercise? That is a massive factor as far as I'm concerned. If he isn't exercising and getting a good sweat up a coulple of times a week then his libido will be rubbish. Vigorous physical exercise is far better than any pill.

Pages