Introducing something new into the bedrm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Introducing something new into the bedrm
9
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 7:30pm


Hello,

I've been lurking on here for a few weeks, and decided to jump in.

I have been married (second time around) for a little less than three years; due to the difficulties of his having to commute out of town to his job, along with many step-parenting issues that we couldn't work out, he moved back to where he works. So, we only see each other on the weekends, and not always then if our kids' schedules interfere. Weird enough, right? Neither of us wanted to give up entirely, though.

Now, in the year or so prior to his moving, I had been having a really hard time enjoying our sex life like I did in the first year or so, and really chalked it up to the stressful living arrangement. But, I had decided I wanted to introduce a sex toy to him (for us to use together). However, I had a really hard time getting up the nerve to bring it up, as his ego is REALLY delicate. When he was packing to move, though, he found it, and asked me what it was.

I told him, and said that I had wanted us to try it out together. He looked at me with a look of total DISGUST, and told me that I was sick and perverted, and I mean he was mad! So, obviously I dropped the subject.

Since that time, though (August), I have maybe been able to climax during our sexual encounters a handful of times. (and yes, we have tried oral, manual, etc.)

So, I started doing some research on possible reasons, solutions, etc., and read that the average man's erect penis is 5.8 inches. Well, only having seen three such subjects in my life, I really had no basis of comparison. I got out the ruler and looked to see where 5.8 inches is, and knew DH falls far short of that. Next time we had sex, I discreetly put my fingers up next to his erection, and it is about the size of my index finger (about 3 or 3 1/2 inches).

So, finally to my question: Does he maybe know that he is smaller than average and perhaps that's why he's so adverse to the sex toy idea? I have NEVER come close to indicating that he's anything less than what I need in that area, but at the same time, he is very aware of the fact that the times I reach orgasm are few and far between.
Do I give up on having a satisfying sexual relationship with my DH and just rely on satisfying myself? (which I can do every time by myself at about whatever pace I choose--although I choose not to very often, thinking it might heighten my desire enough to put me "over the edge" with DH)

Sorry my first post is so long--and thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 11:35pm
smalltown,
First off, don't compare his size to other guys or what you know of others from experience or what you read. Its like a guy comparing womens' breasts. Sure there is an obvious difference but no one likes to hear it.
I'm just an average 6" guy myself but I would never want to hear from ANY woman how she has enjoyed a larger man as I would immediately feel bad about something I could not change.
See if you can convince him to provide a little more oral or other tactics to make you happy. Most guys love giving oral (unfortunately my wife doens't like receiving it... :(
And I guess I can see why he might have been upset about finding the toy but I personally would be excited to see you were exploring some ways to make things better. Maybe he just took it too personally and you need to explain it was to make BOTH of your sex lives better and not just your own even if that was the truth.
Ask him what his fantasy in the bedroom might be and it might be just something like watching a racy video together and he might forget about being upset if you offer to grant him a wish...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 7:59am


Believe me, I would never dream of saying anything remotely related to DH's size, and realize that there are many other aspects of our sex life that could be very rewarding. Besides, I'm one of those women who would probably have a hard time through intercourse alone.

That being said, he has been great about trying just about anything else, oral included . . . just can't seem to find the right "mix." I've read some of the other message boards on ivillage to get some ideas, and I just can't figure out what's not working (maybe it's me that's not "working!")

I wouldn't mind our watching a video together, but I'm really just afraid to bring anything like that up again. I don't want to be called perverted or sick again, ya' know?
But I'll give it some thought.

Thanks for the feedback from a man's point of view!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 10:05am
I'm sorry but his response was horrible and insensitive. I'm a woman but from what I've heard from other guys, guys know exactly where they stack up against the competition. If they see another penis whether in the locker room, movie, magazine, he's comparing himself. Correct me if I'm wrong guys. I'd have to guess that he is feeling inadequate and the toy threatened him. Can I ask if it was a replica of a penis or just a plain vibrator? He's probally feeling insecure. Now, sorry to offend but size does make a difference. Not that it has to be huge but I have been with one guy who was below average and it doesn't feel the same. It has to do with fit too though. If you feel full enough then everything is peachy, if not, there are certain postions that help. Keeping your legs together is a great one. You guys need to talk. There seems to be a real gap in communication. That would be my first step. Let us know how it goes.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 11:45am


Your response made me laugh!

It was the hitachi magic wand with the g-spot attachment. The attachment part is what is actually found.

And you ARE right; even though I would never intentionally make him feel inadequate, it doesn't feel the same, dang it! I've tried every position I can think of to no avail.

I do have a tendency not to bring up a subject if I think there may be conflict involved, so avoiding the subject is easiest although sometimes agonizing. I am truly working on becoming more outspoken about what I want, though.

If I'm honest with myself, the living apart staying married thing was probably a "last ditch effort" and if the sex were better, it would make it a LOT easier to make that arrangement work. That makes me feel selfish, though.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 3:03pm
Yeah, I'm funny like that. It's a gift. So, this your second marriage (to a different guy I assume) and you've been living apart for a year. He finds a very unassuming toy and calls you disgusting? The sex seems a little unsatisfying. If anything more "important" comes up you will skip the weekend meetings? Hmmm, are you stalling? Tell me to shut it if you like. I won't be offended.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 6:26pm


It's that obvious, huh? This part may belong on another message board, but I REALLY don't want to fail twice. I'm very independent, and always have been, even as a child, which was further cultivated in my first marriage to a drug-addicted bi-polar guy.

Therefore, it didn't take me long after my current husband's moving out not to need him for anything--financial, emotional, physical. He thought it was going to be temporary (6-12 months maybe), but I just won't put my kids through any more turmoil, another move, another chance of stress in their house, so it would have to be a long-term arrangement (we're talking 9-10 years).

I'll save the rest for another board . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 6:28am
I get the independence thing. Hubby once asked me if I could ask him to open a jar or reach something up high b/c I don't NEED him for anything. He said it's nice to be needed once in awhile. If you want to talk, let me know what board you are going.
Tanya.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:26am

Thanks! I posted a rather long more detailed explanation of why we're living apart on the "Problem solving for Relationships" board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:42am
Okay, I'll get back to you over there.