Just can't get over this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Just can't get over this!
15
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:17am

I would like to hear some opinions on something..... I am 31 and have been married for almost 13 years. We are very happy together most of the time, and the sex is GREAT! I have always taken good care of myself, but over the past 2 years I had gained a little weight. About 6 months ago I decided to loose the extra weight & I think I am looking great. I am 5'4 and went from 153lbs. down to 133lbs. I have been feeling really sexy and confident in the bedroom, until last week. My dh made a comment (during sex) about the fact that my breasts are "so much smaller". Not just smaller. SO MUCH smaller! I was a D cup before losing the weight and now I am a C. The comment bothered me so much that I never could get off during that love making session. Anyway, all of a sudden I don't feel comfortable in front of him. I actually kept my t shirt & bra on earlier this week during sex because I felt self conscious about my body.

I guess my question is... How do I get past this? I have thought about bringing it up to him but, I worry that he will accuse me of over analyzing everything he says... (I've been known to do that) I really don't want to have to continue having sex fully clothed for the rest of my life!

Thanks!
~Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:15am

If this is something that's bothering you to the point where you can't enjoy sex with your DH to the fullest, then it's time to talk to him.


He would not want you worrying like this and not enjoying him would he?


I personally would not consider asking what he meant - as in is that good or bad or he just happened to "notice" it right then and there - to be overanalyzing.


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Avatar for valentinekitten
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:19am

I would feel hurt too. I remember when my DH made a comment about my large scar down my abdomen. He didn't mean it to be hurtful, but I was devastated and made sure I stayed covered for months. I never said anything to him, because I knew he didn't mean it to be hurtful and would have beaten himself up over it. I felt like he didn't find me attractive anymore. After a while I forgot about it and it doesn't really bother me anymore.

You certainly aren't flat chested. Maybe he is actually happy they are smaller, and was just stating his observation. And how do you feel about the size? Are you happy with the way you look? I'm sure he is happy if you are happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:50am
Well, maybe that is the real issue... I think I am having a hard time with the way I look. I have had 4 children...Let's just say I'm not looking as perky as once did. I have always been worried about how my body looks but, this really seems to have affected me. I want to look young & sexy... and with a great bra, I think that I do. But naked! Forget it! My dh is the only person that I have ever felt ok with seeing my body completely naked... and now I worry that I have lost that. I guess talking to him about it would be the best thing to do. But, my "body issues" have driven him crazy in the past. This is not exactly new for me to have concerns like this, but after loosing weight recently, I thought things would get so much better. For years I have "whined" to him about my stomach having stretch marks or my butt not looking as good as it did before kids. He is always so sweet & says that I am beautiful but... God, I just really need to get over this!! Does anyone have any clue of what is going to take for me to be comfortable in my own skin??!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:24am

That's the age-old question Kit!

I still think it is about being confident and happy with who you are. And it's about understanding that some people are attracted to certain other people, and there IS no explanation. We always had this joke around my old college friends - "What's worse than a fat girl? One who complains about being fat".

I know, pretty crude, but there's a message there. You could be skinny, and still use the same joke - we, as men, are attracted to our spouses for who they are. Sure, if you went from a size 6 to a size 14 during the course of your marriage, I'd say there was a little TOO much change there, but for the most part, we don't care about that stuff. But seeing and hearing my wife harp on about this and that - not only is that a turn-off, it's downright annoying. You have to look at yourself in the mirror, and decide who you want to be. Then be that person. Then you will be happy. I know, it's not that easy. If it was, then everyone would do it!

For me, I have some scarring on my back from acne when I was a teenager, and a lot of cuts and stitches. I used to never take my shirt off. I heard this song, with the line, "you should wear with pride the scars on your skin, they're a map of the adventrues and the places you've been." It made me look at it a different way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:25am

Hey there!

Ouch - that one probably stung a little - especially since he said it in bed! I'd be pretty upset myself. I actually have the opposite problem. I have what I like to call 'bite-sized marshmallows.' Overall, I feel pretty darn good about the way I look, but I often dwell on how small by chest is.

Here's the thing. If you can honestly describe your sex life as 'GREAT' then I think you owe it to YOURSELF to gently speak to your DH. It doesn't even have to be a long-winded discussion. Recognizing he gets annoyed with your whining about your body, maybe just say something discreet like "Hey sweetie, I am trying to work on my confidence and since I've lost this weight, I am starting to feel really sexy again. I know you love me and I know how much we enjoy ourselves sexually. That comment you made about my breasts being smaller stung a little. I just want to express that because it has been bugging me a little, expecially since you said it right in the middle of sex." And then smile and kiss him and let him know it's 'ok' when he tries to apologize.

And just leave it at that. If it happens again, then maybe you need to address it with a more serious tone. Your gentle comment will resonate more with him than if you pull out all the stops and launch into a dissertation about why his comment crumbles your self-image. (even if it felt that way at the time! :) )

And then try to remind yourself that he is a guy. He probably meant nothing like the way you took it.

As far as getting yourself to a better place with self-image, keep it all in perspective. You've had 4 children and you weigh 134 pounds? Have mercy, woman! Most people would kill for that number! :) Think about where you've come from and think about your femininity on a broader scale. You are a beautiful creature!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:36am

I really needed that post!!! Thank you, and I think I will take your advice and talk to him gently. I do have guilt over being worried about my body; I do know that many women struggle even more than I do to like their bodies. Again, thanks for your post, I feel a lot better! And to everyone who responded... sorry for the whining!!!!

~Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:39pm

I think all of us who have kids have times when we miss the way we used to look... Even those of us who haven't changed much physically, there will always be something that bugs us about ourselves. I wear the same size I always have but for me, the gray hairs and fine lines are coming in and it depresses me.

Personally, I thing you sound like you have a fabulous figure, and a whole lot of willpower to lose the weight w/ kids in the house! congratulations on your weight loss!

Nani

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:32pm

Holy Cow, can I identify with you right now.

-Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:17pm

Yeah, I know the feeling of being 15 all over again. UGGHH!
We have all been there. I've had B.D.D (body dysmorphic disorder)and it's ok now but just like an eating disorder it can come back.

So, I must congratulate you on losing so much! That's great. You are SO much healthier now. Imagine the investment in your health that will carry you into the future with less risks for everything. There really is much to celebrate.

As for the boob thing. Well, as everyone said of course go talk about it. I like how that one person put it a few posts back. Very tactful. Another interesting idea is that maybe you werent meant to have size D's in the first place. If a woman or man is overweight then it goes all over including the chest. Lose the weight and lose the bra size........it just happens. Does he want you to have big tits and prone to all types of cancers, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, etc? Or a smaller chest and much healthier with a lot more energy?

You guys have a great marriage and of course he will choose the latter. I'm sure he didnt realize the impact of his comment. Keep up with your diet and exercising for you. You have wanted it for a while.
He will only miss your D's for a while but by this time next year he probablly would have forgotten the size and the comment because he is getting a new YOU. One that feels sexier and looks awesome, which is all his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:45pm

Thanks guys!! We are about to go up to bed & I am going to mention it to him. Notice I said mention. (Not whine!) You guys have been a huge help!

Hugs & Kisses to you all!
~Kat

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