Lost my O with my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Lost my O with my husband
9
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:57pm

Let me bottom line my problem and say that I haven't been able to reach O with my husband for a several months. I don't know what happened really. I do know that he is very frustrated by it and I believe that is certainly not helping. It really tapered off several months ago into it happening very rarely. We always were able to get it with oral. I have never had a "hair trigger" with orgasms. He has had to take some serious time down there in the past. I can have one myself still, so I am wondering if it is mind thing for me. I don't really like using toys alone or with him as I feel like they desensitize me. I also don't masturbate very often for the same reason and beacause I want to be able to achieve it with him.

For a little background, he has blown up in the middle of oral a few times in the past year because I have taken too long. Basically He just stops and get's mad and get's up and that's it. Its over. I have gone to faking it occasionally just to make him feel like it's not all the time, but it is. I have explained to him that it's not my ultimate goal in sex to reach orgasm every time. Never has been. I just love having sex with him. It's always been hot! He obviously needs me to orgasm every time for some reason now. That hasn't always been the case. So, there is some obvious pressure now to finish. I've also told him that it is a bad idea to get upset like that during sex and in the bedroom. He knows it. He isn't a blow up kind of guy. That's what is strange too.

What do I do? I am extremely concerned and worried.

Monica

It's...TWINS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 6:11pm

Well first off, welcome!


I'm sorry you are having a tough time, but I think we can help!!


My DW usually takes at least 10-15 to orgasm, and usually only from oral. I can tell you that not only am I happy to take the time down so she can have one - I lOVE it anyway!


It also seems that you definitely have some issues brain-wise. Him blowing up during oral is SO SO not cool! But I think that you SHOULD be taking some time for yourself, and sort of re-connect with your own body. You should NOT be afraid of it, afraid of masturbating or afraid of any toys. You need to spend some time with yourself, and remember all the things that get you going. Whether its light touches on your breasts and nipples, kisses on your neck, smooth hands caressing you - whatever. Start at your head on move down to your toes, and don't forget anything! And having an orgasm through masturbating will not prevent you from having one with him.

Then you will have a "map" of sorts of your body that you can relate to your DH. I might have a conversation OUT of the bedroom about it too. He needs to understand that giving you an orgasm is not necessary. One way, aside from the obvious way of just telling him, is for YOU to take the lead. Make it all about him, give him oral then just climb on. Make he knows how happy you are to do it for him, give him a big smile when he orgasms too!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 7:15pm

No doubt you're worried, and for good reason! There is a tremendous amount of pressure on BOTH of you. Performance pressure for him, because he needs to feel like he's doing a great "job" in the bedroom, and anxiety for you because of the stress you put on yourself to orgasm everytime. If your orgasm is the ultimate goal, it's no wonder you feel so frustrated.
I've learned that stimulation of any kind, and done frequently, will increase the chance of having orgasms more often. Don't worry that you'll lose sensitivity, it won't happen. What will happen, though, is you will learn more about what kind of stimulation works well for you. Its okay to experiment with masturbation or toys, whether alone or together.
The amount of stress that you two have put on yourselves is very unhealthy. Relax, take your time, and focus on making each other feel good.
Hope that helps.

Donna Hall
Independent Passion Consultant
www.gottahavepassion.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 7:30pm

Making a woman orgasm is not a sign of virility or an ego booster

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:16pm

Thank you all for you words of encouragement and advice. I agree with all of it. I'd like to add a couple of things. I am 37 and he is 41 (just Saturday) so I'm glad changes were mentioned. This obviously is yet another for me and probably for him too. He had a tough time turning 40 so maybe this has something to do with it.

We have been together for 7 years and married for 5 months. This is SO not normal and started maybe a year ago. In addition, I don't take more time for myself with toys or anything else only because of my experience. It does leave me somewhat desensitized if I do it any more than maybe once every week or 10 days whether it's toys or "hands on". So, I masturbate...just less often than maybe others : )

We have had coversations before where I have explained that it is not the happy ending that has to happen for me. And he tells me all the time how much he enjoys pleasuring me. He's always done quite well doing whatever it takes to get my motor running. He still does. Everything really is great with the actual act EXCEPT for him gettin upset lately. I also think it is an ego crusher for him. But where did that come from? He knows that I am all for gettin the job done for him and NEVER complain if it's quick, long, or if he blows 10 times before I do at all. I love all of it! I am up for anything.

This is such a mind f*** for me. What I really believe is after the first blow up it stuck with me and is in the back of my head now. Counseling might be the way for me. Something is going on with him or us, I just don't know what.

Thanks for your help!

Monica

It's...TWINS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:20am

It IS quite possible something is going on with him. Men traditionally don't let on their feelings as much as women, and ESPECIALLY is they are depressed. Many men have stoic father figures, and were led to believe that showing any signs of negative emotion like depression or sadness is a sign of weakness, and usually that is replaced with anger, a more "manly" emotion.


Maybe there is more to the whole turning 40 thing (I'm 41 and could care less, but that's just me), maybe something at work. I know that sometimes its hard to get people to talk, but maybe you can try to get him to open up about other things going on in his life?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 4:25pm

We did talk about it last night. I asked him not to get upset at THAT particular time again. He doesn't necessarily agree. He said that he was frustrated with me and that I don't give him any direction. I don't. He's doin just great! According to him he does not "require" it but thinks I am holding back for some reason. I'm not. I have explained that I'm quite happy about everything he does and don't have any suggestions for improvement. I have been more vocal in the past, but not a ton now. No reason really. I think I have just changed. He says he doesn't remember. But, it was never a directional thing anyway. I make plenty of approving and pleasurable noise. Just not so many actual words are spoken. If I'm having a good time what do I need to direct? I don't get it.
I am still learning things about him. And one is that although he has a strong, confident personality and claims his feelings don't get hurt, his actions show just the opposite. He is an emotional person and says what he feels very easily. If anything, I am the one that is difficcult to get things out of when things bother me. Ramble, ramble..

Things have been stressing him out with his business lately, maybe that's it. But the fact that it's happened a few times in the past and now for a different reason is strange. Should I just make stuff up to say even though it's going fine? That seems silly to me, but apparently he DOES need it. More faking... just great :(

Monica

It's...TWINS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 4:33pm

No, no, you shouldn't feel like you have to fake it. He obviously isn't trusting what you are telling him for some reason. And a lot of times, men will lack confidence in bed due to a lack of confidence in other areas of their lives too, so if someone blasted him at work for something, it's quite possible he would bring that home and into the bedroom.


There HAS so be some sort of compromise. For me, no, I DON'T like getting the tap on the shoulder while I'm down there, and it has definitely taken me some time, to A: Not take it personally, and B: Understand that sometimes it just ain't gonna happen. It DOES take time...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 1:24am

Thank you so very much for your insight into the male species!! It's nice to hear these things from someone who can relate. Women need to hear more about men FROM men.

I will try harder to just give him love and praise. And no faking of any kind! I have suggested some therapy for us to possibly avoid any biggger issues. After all it can't hurt. I do greatly appreciate you all listening to me vent too! : )

Monica

It's...TWINS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 10:02am
Anytime hon! Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
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