The lust is gone

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
The lust is gone
12
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 12:59pm

I have been remarried for about 5 years now and I love my husband with all my heart and soul but I'm not excited anymore, When we have sex I'm actually waiting for it to be over. My question how do I get excited again? How do I crave sex again with my husband?

Redcherry1974

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 1:19pm
Well, that's an age-old question. First, have you talked with your DH about it? Many times, the communication is the problem. Have you went back and thought about what USED to get you all hot? What has changed? Why has it changed? The question of how to get it BACK really is why was it LOST?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 8:39pm
My God Joel, you guys must do an awful lot of communicating! LOL :o) What if you have tried to bring it up so much you are starting to feel like a nag? I was telling DH about the football betting convo and the salesman idea and he just said he wouldn't be comfortable. Why do you always have to be so dang comfortable? Comfortable = boredom if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I love the not always having to be "on" that comes with marriage but make no wonder I'm bored. His idea of spicing it up is having a shower together. He used to be an amazing lover, now he couldn't be bothered. Is a marriage doomed if there is no sexual chemistry anymore? I've pulled out all the stops and am lucky if I get a luke warm response.I don't get it, it's not like I'm hideous looking or anything, I bend over backwards to take care of him and keep things interesting and he's like an old man. He'd rather nap! After awhile it gets hard not to take it personally! If there are any men reading this who will admit to being the one not wanting to have sex, I'd love to get your input.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:57am

You might want to visit the Mismatched Libidos/Ask the Expert board and repost your questions there. The members there deal with this problem in their own lives and there is a resident expert (Dr. Sandra Pertot) on hand to answer questions.


I hope you check it out!


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 10:22am

Yeah, that's a toughie. I'd actually love to hear from some of those men too. It would help me to understand what the heck is going through their heads.


I mean, from my end, if I REALLY think about it, and think of when and/or how there would ever be a time I would not want to have sex with my DW, it would come down to either I really WAS tired (which would pass), or I just wasn't attracted to her. The latter would either come from either a physical source, like a rather significant body change. Like complete plastic surgery on her face or something, or, if she gained weight, but I'm talking like 50-75 pounds at least. Or it would come from a mental source, like either her or I was in a different place. That would either have to happen from a life-changing episode, or gradually. Either I was going to a place where she didn't follow, or she went to a place where I didn't follow.

So, what would I do? Well, one thing is that I would try to impart upon her how serious it was. Like me leaving her serious. Then I guess I would have to wait and see how she would react. If I was the one not wanting to have sex, and she came to me with something like that (after "nagging" me about it), and it was that serious (and it's SO hard for me to put myself in that place), I would be forced to react. And, I suppose I would be left with two choices - hop on the train, or stay at the station.


Now, ultimatums are never good. You wouldn't want to say to him, go to counseling or I'm leaving. But you CAN say something like this is really bothering me, and I can see dowbn the road, if this were to continue, that I would find myself faced with some hard decisions.


And I am a strong proponent of really looking at where to have serious conversations, especially for someone who is not prone to open up.


So, that's what I have to say on that. Like I said, it IS hard for me to understand the psyche of the disinterested husband, and can only speculate why I would ever get that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 1:10pm
The thing is he works shift work, and I know he's tired and stressed out. He has his little RC airplane hobbies that he devotes himself to and he's addicted to ebay so it's like I'm in competion with these things. If I put a sexy gown on and strut my stuff infront of him he puts me off then when he's done doing what he has to do we do our thing but it's like a chore to him or something. I know he loves me with all his heart. Our sex isn't spontanous it's more like another chore that has to be done around the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 2:26pm
People need know that you can change your world by controlling your thoughts.. Try prentending that you are interested in sex . If you act a certain way enough, you can become what you think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 2:46pm
I hear ya! Does he think my life is about shopping and getting pedicures? I'm tired too, I go without sleep 3 nights a week(that I never catch up on)for work and am with the kids ALL the time, I do daycare during the mornings and all the household responsibilities. He'll wake up after a full nights sleep, look me square in the face and complain about being tired after I haven't slept for 35 hours!!! Get your iron checked Buddy! I love this man dearly and don't want to leave, it's not even making me angry right now, I would just like to have a little bit of fun. He says it's hard to go from boss to daddy to husband all in one day. Does he want me to wait at least 16 years until the kids move out? On a brighter note, have you checked out the football betting discussion? I love that idea. Maybe you could try something like this? The competition might spur him on.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 6:04pm
Before I started working full time I did every little thing for this man. Now that I work full time plus have 2 preteens I'm tired too! He wants me to be interested in his hobbies too I try, but I'm not into model airplanes. He's only 28 but acts like he's 50. My children are from a previous marriage so the kids go to there dad's house. So when it's our time together you would think that we do things together or something no instead I'm going with him to the airplane field to watch him fly his plane all day. Maybe the sex thing isn't just him I think I have alot of built up irritation for him. Especially when it comes to my kids, he says he loves them and wants to be their stepdad but yet he doesn't put his foot forward and do anything with them and when their dad picks them up he gets so jealous. He's so negative about my 12 year old son because he looks just like his father. My son's a good kid has a 3.5 GPA but it's still not good enough according to him. And if I spend to much time with my kids he gets jealous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 9:23am
It sounds like sex is just his way of "voicing" that he is unhappy with other things going on between the 2 of you. Maybe it's time to talk. I find with my emotionally distant DH it's best to say "I want to talk about us. Could we sit down tomorrow night after dinner to get back on track?" He will usually agree to this rather than if I just come out and want to talk out of the blue. I think it gives him time to psych himself up. I always hear that woman are complex creatures but I really don't believe it's a gender thing, just look at this message board!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 11:13pm

At times I have found myself uninterested in sex. I think it's a combination of stress, fatigue, lack of erotic input, and most of all, lack of "me" time. The four go together when I'm especially busy with work or the kids are being difficult at home. I suspect many men may be more susceptible to libido loss in these situations than women are, since we men are less able to focus on several things at a time. Maybe my wife can have sexy thoughts during the 10-second break between yelling at one kid and yelling at another, but I can't. That means at bedtime I haven't built up any sexual desire. Instead I'm just tired. In order for me to feel sexy, I need some time to myself to decompress and fantasize. I can sympathize with the guy doing auctions on eBay while his wife struts by trying to entice him. He knows he should be playing with his wife instead of alone, but he hasn't had enough "me" time yet to de-stress. Women often don't understand how much of that we men need (a LOT). Unfortunately, most of us don't get it in our jobs, so we often try to get it at home (model airplanes, computer games, etc.).

Pressure to perform only makes it worse for Mr. eBay. Even though he loves his wife, he secretly resents her a little bit for wanting something from him on top of all the other demands being placed on him by work, family, etc.

From an evolutionary standpoint, we men are designed to leave our women to hunt or fight in a group of men. Those activities involve extended periods of little or no communication other than the purely functional, and we are designed to feel fulfilled by such activities. Women are "designed" to congregate together with children and socialize while gathering food and maintaining households. They feel fulfilled by acitivities that are similar (shopping together, baking cookies, etc.). In modern life, many people, both men and women, do not participate in enough activities that fulfill them. When that's the case, I think libido often suffers.

What to do? I say encourage your man to get his "me" time, whether it's at home, or better yet, somewhere else with a group of other men. You may think he's being selfish when he goes to play golf, but really he's just being true to his manly nature. Just because he needs to be away from you for a while, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He just needs to do manly activities to be able to enjoy coming back to you.

If he's getting "me" time all the time and he's still not interested in making love, then maybe he has a medical problem or something else is going on.

If I didn't explain myself clearly, read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I don't know if what it says about women is true, but it's very accurate about men.

--Flyboy

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