Marriage and sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Marriage and sex
5
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 2:02pm

I haven't posted on here for quite a while so I thought I'd try it again.  I have been married for 13 years.  My wife suffers from ulcerative coilitis so she has stomach pains periodically but not all the time.  Our sex life is not as good as I would like.  I would like sex about 2 or 3 times a week.  She gives in to sex about once a week and when we do she won't get on top, go doggie style or give oral.  Early in our marriage she did these things but now when we have sex she just wants me to get on top.  She also kind of acts like she is having sex for only my satisfaction and not hers.  She does say getting on top hurts her while it didn't before.  Her feeling about doggie style is that she doesn't think it is romantic but just an act of sex.  She never has really liked oral sex but she will give me oral once or twice a year.  Needless to say, this all leaves me as an unsatisified husband.  Of course, I've talked to her about it until I'm blue in the face but it does no good.  We are both in our early fifties but for me, I still have a strong sex drive and want sex as if I'm 20.   

Because of my situation, I have masturbated a couple of times a week to somewhat make up the difference.  I have also on occassion gone to a massage parlor.  Neither of these things really give me the satisfaction that the sex with my wife would give me but she doesn't seem to care.  She doesn't know that I'm masturbating or going to a massage parlor but when I've told her I want more sex she doesn't care.  

I don't want to divorce my wife.  In some ways, we have a good marriage and a good life.  It's just not that great in sex department.  

Has anyone else had a similar situation?  

Manunit

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 3:01pm

Have you tried counseling?  Also is her medical condition curable?  My DW had a hip condition that made sex uncomfortable for her.  After things got to the point where she could barely walk, she surgery to correct the condition and that helped.  Also a couple of years ago, she had a small breast tumor.  After it was removed she was put on Tomoxifin and her desire exploded.  It is very possible that the medical condition could be causing the problem.  A trip to her doctor might help as well as some counseling.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 6:27pm

Thanks for your response.  I think I actually brought up talking to her doctor before but I think the problem for me is that she doesn't see it as a "problem".  She may have 3 days of stomach pain but when there is a night when she does not have stomach pain, she just wants to enjoy herself without having sex.  Meanwhile, I'm waiting in the wings wondering when we are going to have sex again.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:46am

I would really suggest going to a marriage counselor.  Maybe she needs a 3rd party to get her to see that the lack of sex is going to have a big negative impact on your marriage and that even though you say that you don't want a divorce, maybe at some point you would be fed up enough to get one.  Some women who are going into menopause also have a lack of desire so it would be really important for her to discuss this w/ her gyn.  I'm in my late 50's and single and it is upsetting for me that I don' t have a sexual partner, so age should not be the problem--in fact, most women I know have become more sexual after 40.  You could also discuss with her is there something lacking from you on her part--is she still in love with you?  Does she just see you as a roommate?  Is she basically staying with you because she feels that she has to & it's too much trouble to get divorced?  Since these are painful topics, I think you should wait to explore with a therapist.

I also wonder if she enjoyed sex a lot before--some people just don't have that much interest, plus she does not seem too adventurous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 12:46pm

I agree that counseling is a good idea.  Because you are not satisfied, there may come a point where you divorce (the honorable thing) or just cheat to get what you need.  It might help too, if you and your wife could talk to her doctor about her condition and how that might affect her desire.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 2:36pm

I think I will bring up the idea of counselling.