Mismatched libidos?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Mismatched libidos?
6
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 12:58am
My husband and i have been married for a little over a year, been together for four. We lived together for a little over a year before getting married. Our sex life had slowed down long before we got married. My husband thinks we should be having sex like when we first met. I told him its natural to have it slow down after you're with someone for a while. He doesn't agree. He claims all these people he knows are having sex all the time. I told him they're probably lying. He said well why would they have to lie? I said to make themselves look better duh! But I worry because I truly feel we are mismatched in this dept. To him, with me, sex = love, so if Im not having sex with him, Im not showing him love. Il love him, but I rarely have the desire to have sex. And when we do have sex, I get frustrated. He doesn't listen to me when I tell him what I like or how I like it. And I don't know if it's just the way he is, or if it's a product of him having been much more sexually active than me, but it's extremely hard to get him off. That's the other reason I get frustrated. I get an o and then I'm pretty much ready to be done and he's not even close and wants to keep going. Not only that, but as he keeps going he had to do all these different positions because missionary hurts his back and it seems only certain feelings will get him off. I dont like all the different positions and they dont feel good but i dont want to hurt his feelings telling him that. Most of the time I just end up giving him oral, even though that s frustrating too, but I know I can eventually get him off whereas sometimes with intercourse he will just keep going and it never happens. It's pretty frustrating. I love him and I'm not gonna give up, but any suggestions welcome! L
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 10:50am

Well, I can't believe that all these people that tell him they have sex are lying. Have you talked to you dr/gyn about these issues you have? Do you like sex? For some people it could slow down and for others it stays the same or increases. It all depends on the people involved.

I do think it is a problem that needs to be addressed sooner, rather than later, otherwise, it's just going to cause more problems in the marriage.

Do you spend a lot of time on foreplay? If not, then you need to. Sex isn't just about intercourse/wham-bam-thank you ma'am. It's about being together and having fun. As for him not "listening" to you when you tell him what you like/don't like, then you really need to talk to him outside the bedroom. What other positions does he like that you don't? Has it always been like this?



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 11:54am
Well Im sure not ALL of them are lying, but I'm sure some of them are cuz he claims every couples he knows claims they have sex all the time. And I do tell him what I like and don't like outside of the bedroom. He'll do it the next time and then just go back to his old ways. I do agree on the foreplay and that's a big thing for me, and something we've talked about outside the bedroom but again it happens once then goes back to the old.

I have talked to my doctor and they said nothing is wrong. My husband thinks my birth control could be doing it but my doctor said unlikely for the type I have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 01-27-2012 - 3:39pm

Next time your husband tries to rush things you stop him. He will continue to get his way because you allow it to happen. Most women do not orgasm from itnercourse, so he needs to be sure to spend lots of time on foreplay and you should be satisfied before moving on to his. Sounds like he doesn't really care if you get off or not.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 10:04am

Well, firstly, one couple's frequency of sex is not another's. Just because so-and-so does it 5 times a week doesn't mean that is what is right for you. And I have to agree with BL, it does seem at least from what you've said, that he isn't necessarily interested in your pleasure. What do you think the difference between you having IC and giving him oral, as to why he takes so long? Has he always been like that? Is it possible that he thinks the longer it takes the more pleasure that you will get? Do you guys just have straight intercourse, or are there other things that you do? Do you ever indulge in any sexual fantasies? Do you flirt with him, or he you at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 12:56pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2012
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 11:28pm
Over the years my DH and I have had different libidos! For a change we are totally on the same page! There were times when he was very selfish not listening to my needs! I ended up showing him what I wanted by placing his hands on my vagina or on my nipples! He finally gets it that I have needs and desires too! I have to admit that I didn't give in to everything because he wasn't satisfying me. I used to make love in the dark when all he wanted was to see me fully naked and he was willing to satisfy me! I know this sounds crazy but it's true! We both had to learn what turns each other on even after almost 30 years of marriage! He still goes crazy seeing me naked! Compromise is key!