Needing more ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Needing more ?
10
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 3:49pm

OK I am not quite sure where to begin. I have been married for 4 years to DH who is 7 1/2 years older than I. We have always had a great sex life, until lately. I just can't seem to get going. I thought before I was just tired and we both had a lot going on. But now I am just not sure. I can't seem to get wet enough. I've tried thinking about sex all day, little things to get myself going, but it just doesn't seem to be working. DH is very sexy, and very sweet, always opens doors for me ect. Maybe I am over thinking all of this and its more in my head.

The thing is I am finding it very hard to communicate this with DH. I am needing more, but I don't know what it is exactly I am needing more of. More foreplay would probably help, but I don't how to tell him this without hurting his feelings. I have tried (in a round about way to tell him this) and when he tries to stimulate me with his fingers before intercourse, he just goes straight there and there is not enough lubrication for that to feel good. *Sorry if TMI* ;) So if I am not sure what I need how am I supposed to explain to DH what I need? Does that make sense?

I know its a good idea to bring something like this up outside the bedroom, but how in the world to you say to your spouse that you need something more than you used to in the bedroom. If you don't know exactly what you need? And by the way would you pass the salad? I just don't know how to bring something like this up and when.

I am starting to wonder if maybe my current state has something to do with the birth control I am on. I am on the depo shot and love it because I don't have periods anymore. I have been on the shot for about 2 years. Before that I was just on the pill, but after a year or so of being on one brand of pill I would have to change to a different brand of pill, because my hormones would change or adjust. So I am wondering if the same thing could be happening only at a slower rate. Because I was consistantly changing birth control pills on yearly intervals. Anyone else on the depo shot have any experience with this?

I am calling a new doctor today to make an appointment. My current doctor has not been helpful at all, makes me feel like I am crazy and will outgrow this situation eventually. Who knows when eventually will be? I don't want to wait. But in the mean time if any one has any input or ideas it would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 4:23pm

It COULD be the BC - I'm afraid that one is outside my area of expertise.


So, it wasn't just the new puppy huh? LOL...


First thing - get some lube. Just because you have a jar of lube doesn't mean you want anal sex all the time. Sometimes it is great for getting going.

Second thing - "the talk." You're right, it IS an awkward thing to bring up. Since it IS so important and special to you - make talking about it that way too. Think of questions to ask beforehand, even write them down. Don't make the conversation ONLY about that one thing - make about other things too. Maybe talk about fantasies, etc. It's not JUST about you, or his technique, or whatever - it is a problem between the two of you, and if you work together, you can figure it all out...AND have some fun along the way!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 5:40pm

It could very well be caused by the BC.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 5:45pm

Thanks Joel, actually I did pick up some of the KY warming stuff, but he seems to think I got it just for me to use on him. Well I did get it for the two is us to use together, but if we are going to use anything like that it is usually me that goes and gets it and brings it out to be used. I need to figure out how to get him to want to use it on me. I guess I just would like him to bring something to the table so to speak. If I initiate anything, he automatically assumes that I am ready to go and that I don't need any warming up.

Part of my fear in discussing this comes from something that happened about 5 years ago. I tried talking dirty to him while in the act, and he was like what are you doing? I felt kind of stupid, but I explained that I was just experimenting, trying something different and he said that it did not work for him. Which is fine, but it took alot of courage for me to even try it and then his reaction, well you get the idea.

I am the one that reads the books and magazines and tries to bring different things into the picture. I bought a book of different sex positions and keep it by the bed, but its me that pulls it out for us to look at. I guess I am just getting discouraged. I need to grow some balls and speak up for what I want, I just don't want to make it worse by making him think he can't please me.

Sorry about all the rambling, could you follow me at all? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 6:15pm

I get it Stressed!

It kills me though - if every guy knew how much a dumb-ass little comment made in bed has such a big effect on a woman they'd all shoot themselves!


A lot of men don't realize that for a woman, being in bed together (the sexual way) is not just the "baring of their bodies" but also baring their souls in a way, opengin themselves up. Aside from the whole mixed up libido thing, this has to be the second biggest bedroom problem - someone wanting to try something new and the other not being game. Then the one that wanted to try the new thing gets put back inside their shell further. It can be embarassing and demoralizing for sure. But it isn't the end of the world. But it is still best to talk about things outside the bedroom. It helps to avoid that weird feeling of rejection...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 8:21am

I was on the pill for only 5 months and I could notice extreme changes. I didn't want sex at all, I could't get wet and even my skin was very dry. And I was sooo frustrated!
Like yours, my doctor told me I didn't enjoy sex with my boyfriend anymore (yeah, right!). So I changed the doctor and decided not to take pills ever again (I've read in Cosmo that 25% of all women on pill or any other hormonal contraception have this problem).
Now we use condoms again, but MY DESIRE IS BACK!

I hope this will help.
Good luck,
Lola




Edited 10/11/2005 8:24 am ET ET by lola_bella
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:56am

I have not read the replies yet- but I would seriously suggest explaining all of this to your new doctor. It sucks that your other doctor blew off your concerns-- this is a large concern, and it is most likey hormone related.

I can't even take the pill anymore. I am 32 and have been off the pill for over a year. I use a diaphragm, and it works well for me and hubby. The pill makes me moody, prone to weight gain in my belly AND my sex drive vanishes into thin air... I am very attracted to my husband, and I normally have no troubes, so it freaked me out totally when I had no desire at all to have sex. After I got off the pill my drive came right back... vroom vroom. *lol*

Good luck-- I'll bet it is the BC shot that you are taking. Do some on-line research about the effects of hormonal BC. It just effects some of us worse than others. I hope your doctor listens to you this time.




Edited 10/11/2005 11:01 am ET ET by mysirensong
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 1:08pm
It's probably a mix of the depo and your head. I was on the depo shot for a while also and one of the side effects is a "decreased sex drive"
It doesn't help that I am sure while you are in the act your head is going a million miles a minute wondering what you are going to do and what he is going to think if you aren't wet. The stress of that, and the hormone inbalance (depo) is enough to drain a well!
By the way, it's off the subject but, my friend who is 24 has developed Osteoperosis from being on the depo shot for so many years (5) Her doctor took her off of it. So be careful using it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 5:45pm
Thanks everyone for the replies. I made an appointment but I can't get in until November 14th. I guess I will have to tought it out till then. I also made an appointment to get a bone density test, kind of nervous about that. I have never drank milk and only recently learned that th depo shot decreases bone density, I am lucky I am still in one piece. LOL
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:15pm

Stressed, I agree with the others that your Depo shot is probably the culprit. Even though you don't see the new doctor until November, you should introduce the KY jelly as a benefit for both of you. As a man, I know that it "hurts" to attempt to enter a dry vagina. There is a great deal of pleasure from KY jelly put on the penis before entering. I wish that I had known about lubricants long before my wife and I started using them.

It is too bad that you aren't able to openly disuss your needs and desires with your husband. My wife was always a shy woman, but she has blossomed into an adventurous vamp in the bedroom. My wife and I have been married forever (50 years), so that is why we use the lubricants. They are essential as you get to our age.(I'm 75)

I believe that besides using the lubricants regularly, you just have to tell your husband that he has to take the time to get you ready for intercourse, although the KY Jelly or other lubricants can speed up the process immensely. Good luck on getting you libido back and getting back into enjoying sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:52am

This is my first time on the board, but I thought I would respond. 12 months ago my dh and I had our first child (a daughter). After that I went on Depo. I have had three shots now, and have absolutely no sexual desire at all... (and it was great before!!!) I'm supposed to get another shot next monday, but we have decided against it... I want my body and mind back... I want sex with my husband again!!! I just wanted to share, as it may be your problem as well.

HTH,
Amanda




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