New-Help Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2005
New-Help Advice
6
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 2:05pm

I am new so here goes...I am looking for a female perspective. I have been married for eight years, three wonderful children, 6 and under, wife is a fine person. But I have not been happy in my marriage for awhile. We have been in therapy the last year and I think in many ways she is trying to work on things as am I, but I am frustrated at the "progress" we are making. To complicate things our 3rd child, a daughter, was just born two months ago. Not to speak too highly of myself, but I think she would say that I help her as well as am the sole financial breadwinner in our house. I help with meals, baths, putting children down,etc. The minute I walk in the door I try to be an equal player.
But something is missing. Our sex life, while understandably not in gear at present,has never been very good. (--we are fertile if not frequent) One year we had sex only three times. She understands this is an issue thanks to counseling--but because of our newborn and pregnancy she has not really felt like working on it. I think I would have an easier time if I felt that I had not been treated poorly in this area for a very long time. For her part, she hasn't looked this happy since our last child came home. She is nursing, nurturing, playing house, and dressing up her new "doll".
I am not so happy. I am tired of lectures from people about being faithful to one's spouse and making sure I share the chores 50/50. I think part of being faithful is being faithful to your spouse's sexual needs and not taking advantage of them.
Having said that, I don't want to have an affair. Another emotionally needy woman is my idea of hell.
I'm frustrated, horny, and wondering if I have royally screwed up my life. My wife is part of the greatest joy in my life...my children, and my greatest sadness...our marriage.

What can I do? Any suggestions? Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
In reply to: balance35
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 4:54pm

When was the last time she had a complete physical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2005
In reply to: balance35
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 4:59pm
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: balance35
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 7:52pm
So sorry to hear of your dilemma. Not to discount any advice this board can give you, but have you posted on the Mismatched Libidos Board? To understand your wife, you would need to first understand the nature of having a low libido. It's a vicious circle for those of us with LL, and very difficult to find a way out of it. How does she feel about sex in general? Is it something she enjoys when it does happen, or in her mind is it for copulation purposes only. Occasionally, those with LL were taught from an early age, that sex is meant only for having children, and they see any other interaction as "dirty". Could this be an issue for her? Also...having three children can really wipe one out. Not only physically, but also emotionally. I have often felt that I just cannot give anymore affection after I have spent a day, hugging, kissing, and holding the kids. As moms, we also tend to receive the affection we need during the day from the kids. And unfortunately, the men get put on the back burner. I am not saying this is true for all moms, I am saying that it is about 90% true for moms that already have a LL. Another cause for LL, can be her self image. Is she comfortable in her own skin? This was an issue for me, especially after my second daughter. Leaky breasts, stretch marks, gained weight, it was tough for me to even feel sexy, let alone let him see me as sexy. I am still to this day, not comfortable being naked.
I am assuming that since you are in counseling, you have either ruled out depression, or she is working on depression issues. Stress and depression is a horrible killer of libido. Then if you are lucky enough to find a medication that works, one of the side effects is a drop in libido. Like I said, it's a vicous circle sometimes.
I really could go on and on about this subject. I really do feel for you, because I am working on getting my libido back in order myself.(I like this board because it's one of my tools to get me in the mood) Although, we do have sex more than 3x a year, I understand that there has to be a compromise between DH and I. So I think you should start with thinking about not how often you are or aren't getting it, but of the quality while you are there. To start with anyway. Find out from her what she needs from you to put her in the mood. Is she comfortable with using "toys"? How long does foreplay last? That's a big kicker. Is sex planned, or do you try to be spontaneous? I tell you, if you can plan it, it will work out better in the long run. If she is willing to work this out, then she will make an effort to put some stuff aside long enough to be intimate with you.
Good Luck to you..
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: balance35
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 9:54pm

Balance, I am a man and started off my married life with a wife who did not really enjoy sex. We had 4 children and 3 miscarriages in the first 9 years of marriage. I was not the dutiful husband that you are and did not help her very much. I felt at that time that I was the breadwinner and she was the child rearer.

Even though I look back and realize that I ws not a very good husband back then in the assisting in the rearing of the children, My wife always tried to meet my sexual needs (despite not being fond of it). I think her mother told her that it is a wife's duty to "keep your man happy sexually". So, back then, I did not have your problem of deprivation.

The children are long gone from the nest. She has learned to enjoy sex more than she ever has. She says that it is because the fear of another pregnancy has been removed because she is now older, and the fact that she is more free to engage in sex without children in the house.

Today, I find that even if my wife is "not in the mood", she engages in sex with me to keep me happy, and then in the process, she gets arroused seeing me excited and then gets into it so that she can also reach an orgasm. I have to explain that my wife cannot orgasm through intercourse alone ( 70-80% of women cannot). I take the time to excite her manually as she uses a vibrator and she is now enjoying sex better than ever before.

Perhaps your wife is getting no satisfaction from intercourse with you and doesn't feel the need to "keep you happy" if she gets nothing out of it. Try to discuss with her whether sex gives her any pleasure and then, if the answer is no, try to find other ways for her to get her enjoyment. All this assumes that her libido is at a reasonable level. These are just a few observations I wanted to share with you in case any of them had any relevence for you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2005
In reply to: balance35
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:48am
Thanks for your thoughtful responses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: balance35
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:06am

I have to jump im here and recommend a book that might be good - it's called the Good Girl's Guide To Bad Girl's Sex. It's not a how-to, and it doesn't tell you how to get down and dirty and nasty. Rather, it teaches the woman not to be afraid of her sexuality. A lot of woman are brought up to feel that sex is bad, dirty and not something you talk about. They aren't free to explore their OWN bodies, much less let someone else do it.


Now, I guess the trick is how to get her to read the book!


Have you ever just perused a book store with her? Maybe lead her over to the self-help section, and check out the books there. There are SO many different books that appeal to different types of people, there is bound to be one for her.

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