No Chemistry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
No Chemistry
22
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:51am
This is my first post. My husband and I have next to no chemistry in the bedroom. I can remember when we were dating (12 years ago) we had some but nothing since then. We have 2 children (6 & 1) and that could have something to do with it. He tells me he loves me (daily) but that's about as far as the affection goes. He can be a quiet person and sometimes impatient with things. I am the opposite. I am extroverted, he introverted. When I think about sex with him there is no arrousal. I have masturbated and I am sad to say I prefer it. What is wrong with me? I have been sexually satisfied in the past and that is what confuses me. It was with someone else and I was crazy in bed. I would do things I don't want to do with my dh. If he knew that,he would be crushed. He is not easy to talk to about this stuff. I just know something is very wrong there. Has anyone been married to someone and got along in all areas but the bedroom? Thank you.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:29am

Well, in my opinion you really MUST talk to him about how you feel. Even it is hard to do. Sex is a really important part of marriage.. And it sounds like you want to improve on your intimate relationship with your dh. What all have you tried? Are you doing things to spice things up? Don't feel guilty about preferring to masturbate; I think we have all been there at one time or another. But, at the same time, preferring to masturbate should only be a phase, not the norm. It sounds like that if a fulfilling sex life with your dh is important to you, you may want to consider some kind of counseling, or maybe even self help books on the subject. Keep working at it though; I think a great sex life is too important to give up on!

Hugs & Good luck to you!!
~Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:40am
It's so hard to talk to him. He tends to get upset and argumentative. What have we tried? hhmmm I guess it's not that creative. It's like how do we get in bed together and feel open and loving and free without the daily or weekly affection that goes with it. As I said, he's not a very talkative person. I will talk about anything and everything and he does join in, but I have to start it. I am just so sad right now. Verge of tears whenever I think about it. I see people kissing and I cannot remember when he wanted to kiss me like that. I know he finds me attractive. I know it. It's just more of a sex mind-set to him. I have always thought he deals with depression on some level. He doesn't have the zest for life I do. I can drag him in to situations but he would just as soon stay to himself if I let him. I think our intimacy issues run deaper then making the time to have sex. I think it's hopeless. I don't mean breaking up, I just mean I will never have the lover I want. We are partners, parents, friends, but not lovers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:54am

""I think it's hopeless. I don't mean breaking up, I just mean I will never have the lover I want. We are partners, parents, friends, but not lovers.""

Ok, that is just sad. If you want a fulfilling and satisfying sex life, than you deserve to have it. I think you should write down all of your feelings on this subject... put them in a nice, tactful letter and give it to your dh. Tell him that you want to "want each other sexually" and that you think this is really important. I don't know if this will solve your issue but, I think it would be a great start. He needs to know that you are unhappy in the bedroom, and that you want him to change that for you. Honesty is your best bet here; let him know what you want from him. I would think that maybe even telling him that you want him, would make him more in the mood.

I have a few questions for you...
How old are you guys? And when was the last time you had good sex? Have you ever brought up your feelings on this subject to him before?

Keep your chin up! This will work it's way out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:06am

Welcome to the board!! I hope you get some good feedback on here - it's a great place to feel comfortable talking about anything you need to!

I am so sorry to hear how sad this is making you. Speaking from my own experience with this, I know how difficult it is to come up with the resolution. It sounds like you need your husband to stimulate your mind before you can truly enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with him. You said he is introverted and you are extroverted. This is not something that is impossible to overcome!

I don't think there are any quick fixes for a situation like this. It's not as if a new position or some sexy lingerie is going to make him turn into some stallion in bed. If your husband is willing to discuss your feelings, then I think you should start there. From what you've said so far, it seems that you can't even get to the point where you are mentally turned on. Sex can't be that good if you're not there in spirit as well.

Can you both make time to talk openly, and without accusations, about what it is in your relationship that has diminished the intimacy? Maybe you can start by asking him if it would be ok to express some difficult feelings to him.

And then, of course, have patience. It will take a rebuilding of the intimacy between you before you can come to bed with expectations you know he will also be interested in meeting.

By the way, what do he say HE needs? Is he just "ok" with the lack of sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:14am
I'm 37, he's 36. Good sex? I don't remember. I once had a lover I was with 2-3 times a day, regulary. I would initiate, he would, it was just understood. My dh and I have never had that. I feel disconnected in bed. There is no eye-watching or deep kissing. It's just a disconnected act. No minds melding together. I know you think it's sad, so do I. Try it over here. I feel like I need to offer sex and keep the marriage good, but I am glad if he falls asleep. Yesterday we were on the loveseat and I said, as I leaned over to kiss him, "hey, you didn't even kiss me today (while puckering to kiss him). He said, "you didn't try to kiss me either." So, that's how it goes. Always a competition. Maybe I was wrong to say it like that. We just don't have the communication necessary to be good lovers. Counselling it not something he would consider. I guess I'm just haunted with a past lover and haunted with who I was with him. I finally understood lovemaking and was happy because I didn't before then. I thought I was incapable of knowing that feeling. I would give him oral sex with pleasure and I don't even think of it with my dh. It has been years. With my dh he would never want me to stop. It becomes a chore. I don't know why I am discussing this. I just don't see any answer. I just have to "suck it up" because I made my bed and we have 2 children and this is life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:25am
I'm sure he is not okay with the lack of sex. But, he is not willing to talk about it. It will build to tension between us and then me asking what's going on (knowing what it is) and him telling me how I don't desire him in bed, I don't initiate, etc. As for my mind needing to be turned on, yes that is true. I don't know how or what he thinks about. If something interesting happens as work, for him, I will find out days later or not at all. I ask questions, for example, how's joe? how's work, how's anything. Making time to talk...... maybe if we went away. We have 2 children and there's no time here. He would need to be away from home to spark some communication. I just am so exhausted from the fight that will come. Talking to him is so hard. He gets angry and accusatory. He yells, I cry. I know I have to fix this but I don't know where to begin. We have sex and I cannot wait until it's over. That is so hard to admit. I am crying typing this. There's no connection. I am happy he is fulfilled afterward but I walk away empty. I feel as if I did my "job" as a wife and now let's get to the next thing. I'm sorry I'm just wasting everyone's time. No way to fix this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:34am

Please don't think that you are wasting anyone's time. Everyone who posts here wants to be here. And even though you feel so hopeless right now, your exact situation happens everyday with lots of relationships.

You mentioned in an earlier reply that there is much more to the situation. What is the relationship like overall? You said he is a friend...what does he do or say that lets you feel like you can value his friendship?

With 2 young kids, the time factor is definitely an issue. But this is your marriage. Do not let logistics come in the way of a happy relationship. Maybe you need to plan some time away, alone.

Try not to let this be just a sexual issue. It sounds like there is not any emotional intimacy anwhere between you. Am I right? If you just focus on how unfulfilled you are sexually, and the fact that he won't discuss it, you are only going to spiral further into this pattern you're in.

Brainstorm outloud some ideas you have that you truly feel he would be game for, that would begin to build the closeness for you both.

And don't talk yourself out of talking about this. You're safe here.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:52am

I really think your whole relationship needs some attention... not just the sex part. I understand how not feeling close to him as a person can carry over to the bedroom. I still think writing a letter to him expressing all of your feelings about your relationship is a good idea. Tell him how important it is to you that you feel a connection with him on all levels. I am SO SO sorry that you are down in the dumps. And even if there are no quick answers or solutions.... talking about it can only help. Have you thought about doing therapy on your own? I have been doing it for about 2 years now & it has been a huge help in so many areas of my life. I am thinking of you.... And wishing you well. If you start feeling too bad today, stop what you are doing and hug one of your little ones. That always helps!! Don't close up, we are really here for you.

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 11:21am

Hi,

Just want to offer some other possibilities...

You mention not being interested in sex. Do you think your libido is low due to the stress of having young children, or maybe even physical reasons such as birth control pills or other medication? Perhaps body image problems?

I went through a low libido period when my kids were young due to stress, medication etc.
We ended up in a downward spiral of: I wasn't interested, so he didn't initiate much, and physical contact diminished a lot. Even kissing and cuddling slowed down a lot, he didn't initiate that either because he would get too turned on and then afraid I would turn down sex again. And I needed the kissing and cuddling and mental foreplay to GET interested.

Fortunately our communication otherwise was pretty good, and some time away from work, my kids getting older and change of birth control pills turned things around.

I, too thought at times that maybe we were no longer attracted to each other. I did think a lot about an x-BF and how much better that seemed, but I did realize that the relationship was TOTALLY different--we didn't have kids or career stress so of course sex was good! Think carefully about how you view the past.

I agree with another poster's comment about maybe seeing a counselor on your own. If he sees that you are serious about fixing your relationship, he may join you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: iamginger
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 11:36am
Sure the past relationship was better sexually because there were no children involved. It was straight fun. Now, I stay home with my youngest and my older child is in school full time. I am not on any meds and my husband had a vasectomy so there's no trouble there. I am interested in sex considering I masturbate. I am just not connected to my dh to want him sexually. My dh does not initiate much. He is angry that I don't. So I guess it's my job to fix this. He may come around to my emotional needs, for awhile. He just doesn't understand why I don't have the raw desire for him, without the communication/emotional connection. I wish I didn't. But, we have a life together. We have children we live in the same home and eat the same meals and plan to stay together till we die. Why the hell wouldn't I want some type of emotional connection!!??? It's been a circle in our relationship for as long as I can remember. I take the initiative to fix things, they get better for awhile, he gets comfortable, and we wind back up here. It is wrong to think of my past lover. But it soothes me to know I was alive like that once. It was fun to look at the world thru rose colored glasses for a short period in my life. I miss that feeling. I miss driving to work and smelling him still. That warm/excited feeling you carry for hours afterward. Nada. Not here now.

Pages