No means no......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
No means no......
29
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 6:36pm

Hi all...

Well, been married 2 1/2 years now. I am 9 years older than my DH and he wants it ALL the time! I think that things have changed since I had my first child last year, and by the time he comes home he's really ready. Most of the day, the little one keeps me busy, and when she naps, I just want some down time. By down time, I've told my DH, lets just talk, hang out, watch TV, etc. At times I'm Ok with sex, but at certain times (when she's napping) he wants to seize the moment. Half the time I'm just not in the mood, and other times I say; can it wait til bedtime? When I tell him no, not right now....he pouts and pouts and usually says that I never want to have sex. I do, but everytime he makes a big deal about me not wanting to, it makes sex less appealing.
I wish he would be more able to accept no, instead of acting childlike about it.
What to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: artsy68
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 9:25pm

You are right, no means no, but do you compromise with him at all, ever?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In reply to: artsy68
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 1:32pm
Let me tell you whats worse than hearing no. When its, "no not tonight, lets do it tomorrow night"..Then all day he is anticipating sex, and tomorrow night comes and the wife acts as if it was never mentioned...Makes him think she says what ever she needs to say just to get out of having sex...If sex is promised for tomorrow night, make it happen...If you are too tired for sex then you are too darn tired.But making excuse after excuse gets to be very tiring also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: artsy68
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 3:16pm

>>Let me tell you whats worse than hearing no. When its, "no not tonight, lets do it tomorrow night"..Then all day he is anticipating sex, and tomorrow night comes and the wife acts as if it was never mentioned<<

I've been through that one myself. It's extremely frustrating when you suddenly realise that sex only happens when she wants it - and she only wants it rarely. You get frustrated and begin to wonder if you'll ever have sex when you're in the mood and not just when she wants it. You can feel like you're only chasing the scraps that she throws at you and that you do not have a real sex life. You begin to close off and take matters into your own hands and it goes downhill from there. If there was ever a time when having an affair seemed like a good idea it's times like that.

I haven't been in your situation with small children - I haven't got any myself yet. But I think that it is important that you do compromise here and there. It's not easy and I can certainly understand how you feel. But maybe compromising and having a quickie or even just giving him a BJ or a handjob to give him a release might not be a bad idea? You don't have to do it all the time, but even once a week would help to make him feel like he's getting a response from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: artsy68
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 6:42pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: artsy68
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17am

Westridge,

Just to ride piggyback on what you and Humpdaddy posted, it's also frustrating when during the day she alludes to the 2 of you having sex that night, and may even start pawing all over you that evening, and then stop and give the excuse that she's tired and ask for a rain check. Not only that but she gets an attitude when she finds you're upset. I agree that no means no, but let's be fair about it. It's also frustrating when you're the one working 2 jobs and she's home all day, the children are teenagers and not requiring as much attention, and you still find the time to take the children places they need or want to go, but she's more tired than you are and goes to sleep before you get in the bed. You try to be patient and understanding but sometimes I think they take advantage of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: artsy68
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:44pm

I don't know what your particular situation is, but I'll throw in one perspective.

After my now ex-wife and I had kids, sex dropped off quite dramatically. Understandable and ok for a while, but it never picked up again. As in a lot of relationships, I think, she was effectively the gatekeeper on sex -- we basically had it only when, where and how she wanted it, which wasn't very often. At night it was "oh, I'm too tired and worn out." In the morning it was "oh, you know I'm not a morning person." Naked in the hot tub -- "oh, this is so relaxing, but don't touch me."

After some years of this, and being rejected hundreds of times, it literally became not worth the hassle -- I lost interest, not in sex, but in having sex with her. For me, sex is only really enjoyable when there is mutual pleasure, and I feed on my partner's arousal and participation.

Our marriage ended, in no small part because of this, and I'm now in a great long-term relationship with a woman who eventually will become my wife.

I think it's important to make time for sex in a marriage -- to make it a priority. It's one of the things that defines a marriage and distinguishes it from any other relationship. If that falls by the wayside over a long period of time, it's a big sign of impending trouble in a lot of cases.

I also think that with some women if she makes time for it, even when she's not initially "in the mood," after 15 minutes or 20 minutes of kissing and hugging and foreplay (at least with a good partner), she'll often find herself aroused and wonder why she doesn't do this more often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
In reply to: artsy68
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:54pm
If you don't make the time, trust me, someone else just might. This is so easy to slip into. My husband became the last person/project on my list. It took a wakeup call in the form of a younger woman to give him the top of my list. Our relationship takes priority. You can work around small kids. That is why there are locks on bedroom doors and bars on cribs. I know what tired is, I am a very young grandmother raising 3 young grandsons so I am still raising kids. The best thing you can do for your child is keep your relationship maintained. My DH literally guards the door at night for at least 15t minutes so that I can take a candlelight soak. It keeps us both HAPPY. And no matter how tired you are throw out the "sensible" sleepwear and undies. The lingerie industry and your husband will thank you!!
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the BIG things..." Robert Brault
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: artsy68
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 3:23pm
You are so on the money with the frumpy sleepwear and underwear! If all it takes is going to a lingeria store in the mall instead of Walmart to shop for p.j.s and it makes your DH happy why wouldn't you do it? It makes all the difference in the world and you can find comfortable sexy sleepwear that the kids can still see you in. Even if it's just a silk nightshirt, it's better than flannel with kitties on it! After awhile you'll feel awful in big granny panties and mismatched bras, you'll want to do it for yourself. Even if I'm wearing yoga pants and hoodie I wear nice under things, so one day I wore big cotton panties to bed as a laugh and we spent most of the time giggling over it. Sure it may be more comfortable but you went out of your way when you first started sleeping togethter right? DH is always getting checked out by other women and it keeps me on my toes. If I don't make him a priority, someone else will!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: artsy68
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 4:02pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: artsy68
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 4:32pm

I think it's important to make time for sex in a marriage -- to make it a priority.


That is soooo TRUE!! it has to be a top thing not a bottom thing on your list. But still each person has to be able to say "not tonight" and the other one should repect them for it! There are times when one of us just doesn't feel like it...its ok to say No and its ok to feel down when they tell you no but its not ok to ride them about it.


Now saying that....I agree it takes work to keep sex a priority and its worth it!!


MEME


All sex should be called LovePlay, From the first kiss until the final embrace during after glow. It all part of one big sexual banquet, when you enjoy the banquet the appetizer is just as important and enjoyable as the main course. Michael Castleman.


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