Nude Photo Taken by Former Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2014
Nude Photo Taken by Former Boyfriend
6
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 2:42pm

A former boyfriend of mine, a photographer, took a nude figure photo of me (actually more than one) after I was married. It was definitely not pornography but in very very good taste, in somewhat dim light, even shadow (my feet were in shadow), neither my face nor its profile was shown. It was published in a book, a small photo, and no details were recognizable, but then he asked if I would allow a large-sized print of the photo to appear somewhere in the lobby of some place, and I said yes. 

Totally by accident my husband happened to see it, studied it closely, even got a copy of it (by photographing the print), and studied it further by way of computer and enlarging parts of the photo, and then pestered me, accused me of being the model, etc. I strongly denied being the model and accused him of paranoia and profound and insane jealousy. Then apparently he forgot all about it and we went on as before.

When we were divorcing several years later, he brought this very photo up again, and I accused him of harboring deep resentments against me and of not talking to me about our problems. Of course, I was lying, but I also think he was a little nuts about that nude photo of me because he a couple of years later wanted to take nude photos of me (at first I refused but later relented, but my husband's photos were like porno ones and not artistic ones), and he kept them and put them on his computer as screen savers and background and slide shows. I never did admit to doing anything wrong, never admitted to flirting or cheating, though I caught him a few times and he openly admitted it.

I will never be married again. I think I do not want such intimacy as this when in marriage the woman is expected to give up all her friends, all flirting, all occasions of sudden physical attractions, etc. Frankly, never once did I accuse my husband of doing anything, or blame him for his peccadilloes, although women were incredibly attracted to him he was so handsome and I confess I felt very jealous at times even though I myself often flirt with a will. And I must say that although I did feel jealousy, I overcame it and complained about nothing. I don't hold a double standard; I don't expect him to behave better than me.

My thinking is I shall give up intimacy in order to be myself, independent, erotic, sociable, to keep some parts of my past totally secret from everyone, to travel alone, and be open to experiences. I do not want to share my secrets, not even with my husband, whom after the photo incident continued to pester me with questions, including intimate ones about my former boyfriends and even dates I went on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 3:38pm

You certainly have the right to decide that you don't want to get married again.  I've been divorced twice and I don't really feel the need to get married again since I"m middle aged, although I would like the companionship of having a relationship.  I do think that you have some different ideas about marriage though.  I don't know where you feel that you have to give up all your friends when you get married--most people do not have to do that.  But why do you complain that you don't want to give up flirting with other men and then say that you are jealous that your exH flirted with other women?  Isn't that a double standard?

Your marriage was not open and truthful.  Even though you say that the photo that your exBF took was artistic I don't think that there are many married people who would be ok for their spouse to be posing nude for an ex--it might be a little different if you just posed as a model for someone you were never involved with.  I think it's kind of different for Kate Moss to be posing nude for an ad that is done by some professional photographer.  Then when your DH found out about it, you lied to him and accused him of things--how does that make for a happy marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 9:08am

Darl-

I also wouldn't advise you remarry--or even agree to be exclusive with somebody. As a 50 year old man, I would be beyond furious with my wife for posing nude for an ex-boyfriend and lying about it. If you want your freedom, that's your perogative. However, don't put yourself again in a situation where someone else will likely feel hurt and betrayed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Wed, 03-12-2014 - 10:16am

Your hypocrisy has no bounds.

You took some nude photos with a former boyfriend, while you were married. Then after your husband saw the photograph, you denied it was you, and accused him or being paranoid and jealous.

"When we were divorcing several years later, he brought this very photo up again, and I accused him of harboring deep resentments against me and of not talking to me about our problems. Of course, I was lying, but ...."

He tried to talk to you about it before, and you lied to him, and you wanted him to drop it, didn't you?  So you got your way and then you want to turn it around and make it his fault for harboring deep resentments?

The pictures your ex-husband took afterwards were between you and him, I don't think you or he had to lie about the pictures on his screen saver to anyone, from what I read.

"I never did admit to doing anything wrong, never admitted to flirting or cheating, though I caught him a few times and he openly admitted it." Well at least he was honest with you, but it sounds like you were never honest with him. What did you think marriage was about?

Now you will never be married again, OK this probably is a good fit for you. You want to keep secrets from everyone? It sounds to me you don't want to be honest with anyone, but everyone should be honest with you.  Good luck with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 2:15pm

Oh my... You lie to a husband, flirt and cheat, yet when he does it you get all bent out of shape...... Why? This really wasn't a very good marriage to begin with. Stay single.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-21-2014 - 1:02pm

If this wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny!  You lie to your husband, you pose nude for an ex after you're married, and then pose nude again for your husband.......who then cheated on you, and now you're divorced?  Big surprise.  Your marriage was full of lies and problems, and more than likely should have ended.  Now you will never marry again because you will not give up friends, you're afraid of intimacy, you marry a handsome man and then are upset because he gets attention from other women, the handsome man is paranoid about a nude picture of you, ya da ya da ya da.........

In a good marriage, (which you have yet to experience) you don't give up friends, you treasure intimacy, you trust your partner even if they're good looking and attractive to others.  In a good marriage, if a "artistic" ex asks you to pose for him, you'd discuss it with your husband, and even have him go with you so that he's comfortable with it. 

It sounds like you think that being single is a lot of fun.......you can sleep with anyone you want to (without intimacy) and you can just do whatever you please, answering to no one.  I have news for you, after a while, THAT gets boring too!  And going home at night and sleeping alone gets very lonely!  And when you're 75 or 80 years old, and there aren't any men interested anymore, you'll be alone until you go into a nursing home.  Doesn't sound like too much fun to me.  Good Luck to you, in whatever you choose to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2014
Sat, 11-29-2014 - 2:53am

You are the kind of woman that should just hang out in poly relationships.