PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO NOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO NOW!
4
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 10:15am
My DW and I have been together 15 yrs.I love and adore her, but a problem has been going on 10-12 of those years. We had a child 12 yrs ago, and 5 yrs. prior to marriage, and the first 3 we were like rabbits, lol! After the baby, I worked relentless hours, as we got a new home, etc., and I wanted the DREAM!!She never even has to look at price tags, I always have given her all she asked for. well, a year or so after baby, she had an affair with a man working on our house(no pun intended)and I only found out by email history, as this went on for 4-6 months, and she ended it. She went from perfect body to well.....fat, but I figured she would lose weight, and still loved and wanted lovemaking. DW started feeling bad about her weight, energy level, and got angry every night as I ran, worked out, etc. She confided to a friend she "hated" me having a "beach" bod, while she was out of shape, and it made her sick!OK, so she punished me by stopping any and all sex, any!! DW has toys, and uses those, but thats enough.After 6 years of no sex, I had to move out of town for a 9 month project, and I screwed up, and met a woman, and we had sex 5-6 nights a week, hours on end, just as my DW and I always did, she was almost identical to DW before baby.
I ended things, knowing I was an awful human, and would go home, and start new with DW, and YES, YES, I KNOW I WAS WRONG, even after 6 yrs. of NOTHING, I had no right. I came home and told DW everything!!We were working on starting fresh!Well, my AP found me a couple months after I returned, and of course called DW, telling her she wanted me back, She "loved" me, and needed US! DW raged on her,and we renewed our vows, honeymoon, and I showed her and still do daily how I F'd up, and that she is my one and only!She,like magic, lost 25-35 lbs. and had me in bed day and night, for the first 3-4 months. Then, for the last 4 yrs. I have had no sex, she put the weight back on, screams about my affair, and no amount of prayer, tenderness, proving daily my love for her has helped. I did screw up bad, I let her know this , and I never even held her affair against her, she said it was over, she was sorry, and it would never happen again! I was OK, but I am damned!! I had sex without counting AP 1 time in 6 years, and since AP and the brief time after, none in 3-4 years.
I am not an ass, but I need sex, and I am early 40's, great shape, and have a high as heck energy and sex drive level. She went back in the shell, mostly my fault I know, but what do I do now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 1:33pm

No judgement from me on the affair, for either one of you. Sounds to me like the two of you need some sort of counseling. Either that or maybe a separation.


You both had affairs, but for her to continually be throwing it back in your face is not right, in my opinion. You both need to move past the affairs. If she hates her body that much, she is the only one that can change it. Is she willing to exercise with you?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 1:41pm
Hello, and thank you,
NO, she is acting like me wanting to work out(i have since i was 17) is ME wanting to look good for the opposite sex.My body was the thing she loved at first, and so was her AP, built just like me!
I probably to break away, and start "fresh" if that is possible.
What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 2:21pm
HI, and welcome. I'm Nenu, one of the Communnity Leaders on this board, along with Meme.

I've read your other posts on Let's Talk About Sex, and Sex Over 40 about your married relationship and its attendant problems.

I think you need to sit down with your wife, get your respective stories straight, and start to get your priorities and life expectations straight. Both of you have had affairs, so I don't think you need to mix the question of changes in physical body shape into it. This is a serious question of relationship problems on BOTH sides, and suggesting that one or the other of you has figure changing problems that are the cause of the situation is erroneous, in my opinion.

Good luck with resolving this.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 12:11am

Personally, you are most definitely not an ass for wanting sex and I can fully understand wanting some sex after 6 years of nothing....especially with her using toys, but not wanting to have anything to do with you.


I think I have responded to some of your other posts, but I will still throw my two cents in on this one as well.


I have to wonder if your DW was not sexually abused at some point.

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