Sex issues

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Sex issues
10
Sun, 07-22-2012 - 5:02pm
My husband and I have been together for over 8 years and married for 5. In the last year we've had relationship problems especially around sex. I wasn't wanting it very often because when we have it sometimes he can't climax for over an hour. Although most people might not think this is an issue it becomes a real problem when he wants to have sex once a week. I found out a few months ago he's been going on a web cam porn site and getting private shows while he shows himself to the woman on his webcam. I also found that he'd placed an ad on a discrete sex website. He swears nothing ever happened and he only did it because I wasn't wanting to have sex. We've been going to counseling but I've been afraid to bring up the porn sites for fear of embarrassing him and me. In a way I can understand that he doesn't feel his needs are being met but I feel betrayed and hurt. I have tried to have sex more often for the sake of our relationship but it's hard when I know each time sex will be over an hour. I don't know what to do anymore. I've considered divorce but worry about the amount of debt we borh and how I'll survive on my low salary. If anyone has anyone words of wisdom they would be much appreciated. I don't feel I have anyone to discuss this issue with because it's embarrassing on so many levels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
In reply to:
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:26pm

I personally wouldn't get a divorce because of the sex issue BUT the porn issue..YES I would get a divorce.Like that's going to make you WANT to work on your problem when you know he goes to those sites.It makes you feel less then a woman and its very hurtful...In counseling please address the porn issue to him..that's what counseling is about.You address it in counseling and IF he STILL does the porn thing knowing how you feel about it...THEN divorce him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
In reply to: amante21
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 9:45am

I don't believe that has anything to do with it. I masturbate, sometimes on the days we have sex, and have no issues. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
In reply to:
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 9:48pm

Hi hazydays,

If the two of you are still in love and everything else is good, maybe the two of you need to renew your sex life.  Marriage has its ups and down sexually, for everyone.  It will go stale if you don't do anything new.  What are your fantasies that you haven't shared with him? Bring his interest back to you.  Share something sexual about yourself with him that he doesn't know.  Tell him you are curious about a new toy and shop for it together.  Ask him if you can try a toy on him, or try prostrate massage.  The goal is to have fun, not necessarily orgasm.  And hour can fly by when you are not focused on orgasm, yet having fun.  What sounds like fun to you, that you've never done with him before?  What is a scenario that goes through your mind when you masturbate.. and ask him if he will play it out with you.  Tie him up and tease him for a half hour... turn down the lights and turn up some sexy tunes and do a strip tease for him. Yea, it may sound like "work", but if you find something that excites you, and you text him about it through the day as you both look forward to it, it could be something you daydream about for days after.  Be more interesting that the webcam...  ask him to give you a show.  Watch him masturbate from the other side of the bed, while you fondle yourself wearing lingerie.  Does any of this sound remotely interesting?  Do you still have any desire to rejuvenate your marriage? Can you see spicing things up?

Ivy

 


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
In reply to: Hawk1952
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 11:12pm
I agree with the posts here, get to a therapist and discuss the problems.

I was on his side of this equation. My ex didn't want to ever have sex. Once a week was how it started and within a few years, once a year then eventually none for the best part of 10 years. I didn't resort to porn and masturbation. I assumed it was something about me.

The times near the end of sex did last a long time. My therapist said I was equating it with pity sex and couldn't get into it.

Since then I found out the old adage, If you don't use it you loose it, is medically a fact. He doesn't seem to have that problem, but the porn and lack of sex from you could be messing with his mind and causing him to not be interested and therefore taking a long time.

Men do like to feel their partner is sexually interested in them. They want them to want them and be horny for them too. We all think we are the greatest lover and our woman should lust after us as much as we lust after them.

My problem cleared up. My ex had a BF and we divorced.

I am with a wonderful SO and though it has taken time to get back to the way it should be, all the plumbing is working fine now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to:
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:05pm
Is this a matter of him not being able to cum in less time, or is he purposefully delaying his orgasm? Could be that he's making the mistake and believing that lasting for a long time is a good thing. In which case simply telling him that you can't handle such a long session of sex may be the best and easiest thing. Ask him to cum more quickly.

If he can't cum sooner, have you asked him why? If he's masturbating a lot he will last longer and this may be an extreme result of that. Perhaps he could masturbate less and see if that enables him to cum more quickly.

You said it's an issue when he wants sex once a week. Once a week - is that too frequent for you or not enough? Do you prefer it more or less?

This is a genuine question, but if he wants sex more than you do, what do you expect him to do when he wants it and you don't? Do you encourage him to masturbate? Do you give him handjobs or blowjobs if you're not really into it? Do you just expect him to wait around until you're feeling aroused and ready for sex?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
In reply to:
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:48pm

Sorry for the issues you and your husband are having. I would however caution jumping to divorce unless there other issues going on in the marriage. As for the  post... i think it is two different issues though they may be connected. The first issue is the long sex. While most of us men would be beaming with pride at making love to our SO for an hour, i can imagine it would get old after a while. A question is do you enjoy the sex in beginning or is all about getting him his? and do you guys ever change it up to keep it fresh? I ask this because in the past I personally have had a DW that i loved with every fiber of my being, but on those few times that we got stuck in a rut, i would find it hard climax, sometimes even having to fake it out of boredom (Yes men can fake it too) . but we always found our way back by finding the spark back in our sex life. And it was usually by finding better ways to please her and i would react to her excitement, then the battle was trying to last long enough :-).

As for the porn thing, sadly it is an all too common habit in today's males, espcially with the easy net access...and as hard as it is to accept this, watching porn in of itself is not bad. many men in happy relationships watch porn and masterbate to it despite having a willing partner in the next room. make no sense but we do it. Now if he starts losing control of it, then it is time to talk about it openly. And by showing him self on webcams, and ads on sex site are worrying. watching is one thing.. it passive but those two involve other people actively.  Seems like an weird line to draw but...

Anyway the key is to talk openly about it, whether in counseling or at home. and if done in the right setting and handled properly, you both will benefit. Each man and relationship is different, and his reasons and reactions maybe entirely different, but it is worth the effort to stop the issue from straining your marriage. I hope that helped. Good luck!