Sexless Marriage - HELP

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sexless Marriage - HELP
9
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:05pm
It took everything in me to write this because I'm so embarrassed about it. My husband and I are newlyweds for 5 months now and very happy together. We were both virigins when we dated and agreed to wait until we were married to have sex. Little did we realize this may have been a mistake. I am near tears when I tell you - we haven't even had sex yet! Each time we try (and it's often), he prematurely ejaculates or we flat out just have trouble getting him "inside" me. I don't know what to do! We definitely do not having problems getting aroused. But I've just never heard of a married couple that never had sex for this long. Tell me I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:46pm

By flat out can't get him inside you what do you mean?


There is a chance this is not your fault at all and may have happened no matter when you tried to have sex.

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:57pm
Have you been using lube on both you and him? If not, I highly recommend it. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:54am

Please don't be embarrassed, you have found a great board to give you advice and support on this topic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:17pm
I was embarassed also starting these message boards. The replies can be quiet helpful. So I agree with everyone else. Here's a few tips that my hubby uses when I,m tight if that's the problem he uses 2 or 3 fingers to loosen,lube really helps and it could be nerves or something like that from both of you being virgins and "untrained". I wish I would have waited to have sex also. But it is a great start to teach our daughter, she was a little over 3 when we got married. Also try training him to not ejaculate earlier also. And if anything time will help to get over this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 2:29pm

I agree it is very admirable that you both waited until marraige. Good advice so far from the others about using lubrication and using fingers to get you ready for him. Another would be to make sure there is lots of foreplay before attempting intercourse.

One thing for him would be to make sure he has already had an orgasm before you attempt intercourse. Either through foreplay, oral or him masturbating, the second time around he will definitely last a lot longer. Keep in mind though, some men cannot stay erect and go for second time and he may need a little time to recover and if that is the case you can bring him to orgasm then he can do as much foreplay for as long as he needs to be ready again. If you both like oral this is a good time for him to go down on you while he is getting ready for round two. My guess is that you are both young and he should have no problem with staying erect.

I also have a suggestion for him to try for delaying his ejaculation. If he masturbates (most guys do) he can masturbate to the point of ejaculation then stop just before he is ready. Doing this over and over will eventually train himself to delay his ejaculation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:52am

Hi,

I think you are just going through a very natural phase for two virgins. When a virgin man has sex for the first time, I think he will typically ejaculate prematurely. And typcially for a virgin woman the vaginal muscles contract making penetration difficult. And you are probably getting stressed out on this, making it worse. Just try not to think about it and relax and take it slow and do lots of foreplay so you get properly lubricated. If you have no problem getting wet, then you probably need to relax your vaginal muscles which can be achieved by some gentle massage and slow relaxed penetration. And no matter if you cant get him fully inside the first time, just keep at it and get your vaginal muscles to get familiarised with the feel of penetration. And let him shoot off if he cant hold it back the next few times.

I dont want to lie to you so I agree 5 months is a bit long but that is probably because like I said you are pressurising yourself. Most times the original problem disappears fast enough only if you do not think too much about it or get stressed out. There are millions of people out there who never had sex before mnarriage and they all go through this phase but get past it by and by and there is no reason why you cant.

Relax and enjoy it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:48am

my husband and i were virgins til our wedding night...although, i was an "unclean" virgin....but anyway. besides everything that's already been said, i have to ask a question about size. because, if your dh is on the small side, it might just be a matter of finding the right angle/possition for him to get there. or, if he's bigger (specifically, thicker) that can make penetration difficult as well. this may be a bit graphic for you, and i appologize if it is...but (well, once you've somewhat conquered the ejaculation problem) it may help for him to lay on his back and let you stradle him. you can then properly possition things and control the speed and depth of penetration (especially helpful if there is a size problem). you may need to use a hand (or have him use a hand) to guide things along. i usually go with one knee down, the other knee up - i.e. foot down - to start. this allows for more space to get a hand in there if necessary plus you can move yourself around more. i know that i have more problems with penetration when i'm really wet rather than when i'm dry. when you're too dry, you can always whip out some k-y to help things along, but when you're too wet...i mean, it's like a freaking slip 'n slide! *hehe*

well, maybe by now you're already not a virgin and enjoying your newly consecrated marriage. hopefully. if not, i hope i've been of some assistance and feel free to message me if you'd ever like to talk. i'm 22 and i've been married almost 2 years now. (not problem free mind you, but most people i find my age that are married have kids which make for totally different conversation.) msn - girrrlychild@hotmail.com or yahoo - jewelry_girl3000

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 6:58pm

Hi Squinty,

What you are describing is all normal stuff. What you may want to do is take the focus off intercourse. Sex has many facets besides just vaginal penetration with the penis. Spend time enjoying each other, deep kissing, oral and manual sex... be playful and enjoy yourself...it's just fun. Intercourse will happen naturally and in time. Even with couples that have been making love for years, every sexual encounter is a little different and that should be celebrated and enjoyed.

I think one of the saddest things that has happened to sex is that we've all made it some big deal rather than just play. We worry about orgasms: too early, too late, too much, too little. We worry whether we're doing it right or wrong, whether it's okay to like this or that. Why he won't do this or why she won't do that. We worry if our genitals are too small or too big. Breasts are too big or too little; vagina is the wrong color; penis is too straight or too curved, too hard, too soft. We worry that we've done it too soon or too late. He wants it too much or too little. She never lets me touch her here...we've taken so much of the love out of lovemaking and taken the play out of love play...it's sad to me.

Don't take it so seriously and all will be as it is meant to be.

Good luck to you, this will work itself out just fine.
Love,
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:47am

No one has mentioned this, and it may seem inconceivable to you now, but just think about maybe purchasing and using a vibrator or small dildo to help train your muscles to accept your husband, if that seems to be the problem. Sorry if this is graphic, but I will try hard to explain it in general terms.

This may be something that your husband can use to slowly increase your ability to accept him inside you. This will help especially if he has trouble with ejaculating early and doesn't stay erect long enough to continue trying. It's also lots of great FUN once you've gotten the hang of sex. In the beginning, use lots of lubricant and have him slowly insert the dildo a half inch at a time. This does NOT have to be clinical, there are lots of things to do while experimenting. Your muscles may contract, but keep it there and they will relax and accept it. Then move it a half inch farther in each time until you can easily accept the whole thing. It doesn't have to all at once either, you can work on this over a week or two.

Since you are newly married and young, I doubt that you own one...but that's what the anonymous internet is for! There is a company called Xandria that I have ordered from several times. They are a very upfront, quality company...nothing sleezy. Go to their site Xandria.com, and shop or ask for a cataloge. Don't worry, it's comes in a PLAIN brown wrapper, the postman will never know! It may shock you, but look at it, find a small dildo or vibrator and order one. If you are too embarrassed to call in the order, you can shop on the website.

Hope this helps