is somthing wrong with us?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
is somthing wrong with us?
11
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:15am
Me and my husband we together for 3 years before we were married about 3 months ago.He was a virgin when we married and we both wanted to wait till we were married before we had sex. But we have only had sex 25 times in the last 3 months! He wont do anything to me to turn me on first or ever (like finger, eat me out, etc.) He wont touch me any other way than sex. He hardly wont even touch my breast. He wont even french kiss me. I just dont think I can handle this by myself much longer. It really makes me feel bad about myself even though when i bring it up to him he tells me it aint me. What should I think/ do. I can be wearing a sexy outfit when we go to bed and he just says in really tired and goes to sleep. What is wrong here?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 8:37am

I hate to toss this idea into the ring, but this sounds tremendously like the situation my cousin found herself in after she married. She was an extremely attractive person, who was so sick and tired of fighting off men, that she married a man that did not pressure her to have sex before they married.

After they married, his disinterest in sex continued. She didn't want to be pressured before they married, but she certainly thought if he married her, he would then be interested in sex. Well, not so, it was finally revealed that he was gay and he was hiding in the marriage, thinking since she didn't want sex before, he could get away with not being attracted to her physically.

When this this happened, my dear mother said to me, "The moral of this story is, don't let a man force you or pressure you to have sex when you don't want to, but DO find out if they WANT to before you marry them !!!!"

I am so sorry of you, to now be committed to a man that is pulling this behavior, for whatever reason he is doing it, but regardless, you must get to the bottome of this, no matter how heartbreaking the answer. Sex in marriage is very very important and non-communication is worse. If he can't talk to you, maybe he would go to counseling with you to get to the bottom of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:00am

Misty,

If you're numbers are right, you are having sex about twice a week. For many individuals, that is a comfortable amount. It sounds like you just have mismatched libidos right now . This is actually the norm as MOST people don't marry someone with exactly the same sex drive as they do. Actually all things change and it is common for the two of you to switch libidos (his becomes stronger and yours less driving), several times during your relationship. So most of us need to find middle ground in order that we all get our needs met.

There are three 'C's that you need to remember in any relationship and especially marriage: Communication, Compassion and Compromise. First, you need to communicate in order to discover what he needs (what his ideal number is etc.) and you need to fully communicate that you need more non-sexual affection and also more foreplay before intercourse (be sure to let him know that it's not that he's doing something "wrong" just that you want something more). Have compassion for your own feelings and his and then finally find some middle ground. This middle ground is where a relationship thrives. Too much 'giving up' ground on yours or his part and you will feel resentful; too much take and you will feel guilty. Neither of these are healthful for your marriage.

As far as his lack of foreplay skill; this is a learned skill for a man. Men are wired differently when it comes to sex, they are genital (their own LOL!) focused and need to learn that a woman's whole body is a sexual organ.

Both of you are young and inexperienced and you can really make this an adventure. Try not to get discouraged and don't be afraid to get a little bit of help in the counseling department. Counselors can act as a bit of a referee and help you sharpen your communication skills.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:14am

I couldn't agree with Scott more, especially on the Communication part.


Unless

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 4:51pm
I enjoyed reading Scott's post and I agree with his assessment. You have to get dialogue going both ways. He has to understand your wants and your needs. He also has to communicate his feelings about touching you as you desire him to. He probably is not aware that women are not wired as men are. All men need is a place to put "it", while women need all their erogonous areas stimulated to get the full benefit. You have to gently teach him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:36pm
I agree with Joel about the ego part - be careful there. But why not see this as a challenge and teach him. How about, "hey Honey, can you give me a shoulder rub" (and then tell him how great it is and give him gentle advice, "oh, right there", or "a little harder" or whatever. Then move his hands to your boobs and tell him how amazing he makes you feel, etc. Go slow and use lots of compliments and you'll break him in really well. Take small steps, but over time (by the use of your compliments) he'll learn exactly what you like.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:44pm
well since you both were virgins before you got married, now that you two have had sex, he forgot how important it is to start with foreplay, he just wants to jump in to the main dish. so I suggest you say to him during sex, i really get excited when you suck my tits, and have him do that for a while, and as for the other thing, try doing a 69er. that way he can get a bj and you will get your desire, as long as you both please eachother, everything will workout. you dont have to tell him about eating you out just lay on him that way and give him a bj and it will just happen..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:35pm
misty,
I don't mean to sound like bad news but I think you're experiencing what alot of couples face only just earlier. The wife and I are pushing 12 years and we're down to about twice a month (you're 25 times in 3 months makes me jealous!)
She just never wants to have sex and doesn't want to talk about it either. And she HATES when I want to give her oral. Haven't done that in about 4 years.
So what can the other spouse do? I don't have a good answer for you but masturbation does help.
I don't mean to sound crude but just wanted you to know there are guys out there in your shoes too.
TM
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:21pm
Tampa-man, there should be a law against wives who don't want sex!!JK
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:50pm

gigi

OH HOW I AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man can only "occupy his own time" so much if you know what I mean... ;)

TM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:30pm
That's why they call it dating so you can find the ones that's right for you. (Sexual compatibility) I believe in God but have serious reservations about holding out till marriage. Now you're stuck with this cold slab of a husband and he isn't doing you right in bed. I hope you can work it out.

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