spouse masturbating or fondling

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
spouse masturbating or fondling
19
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:03pm

I have honestly masturbated a lot during my childhood acheiving that oragasm rubbing myself. ( That masturbation was possibly due to the lack of physical availability of my father in my life & the psychological affects that had on me...I desired intimacy )

Presently, I have a few times masturbated alone after watching our tape we made while making love. I notified him that day while he was working, that I was playing with my vibrator as I watched us make love on our tape....he loved hearing that & got very arroused! I've been married 4 years we have had our srtuggles in the begining of our step-family but all is GREAT now! We have a great sex life...I give him oral sex without his asking I also offer making love without him asking for it. I never tell him No even to his initiating sex with me.

The puzzling question is that: I have no idea why it bugs me to see my husband touching/fondling himself as we either are laying in our bed together watching a movie or he's by himself relaxing on the couch openly scratching,rubbing his testicles,or massaging his penis. I do notice that he'll at times have an erection as he is touching himself. It really does bug even more to know that he may feel the urge to masturbate in the shower if our sex hasn't been as frequent that week....as he has admitted he has masturbated in the shower. He says he needs to release due to soreness from his sperm back up? Huhhh?

I have on purpose barged into the bathroom to stop him from being able to masturbate in private. I know this makes no sense, as I have masturbated without him before as I stated.
I'd rather make love to my husband instead & have him touch me instead of myself.
I like that intimate closeness we share. He always wants to be with me sexually.
I told him that it turns me off to see him fondling himself when I'm next to him.
I mean I can be fondling him instead....and I have many times.

Unwillingly I have witnessed 5 different men at certain times in my life exposing themselves to me while masturbating & some ejaculating in cars & at parks & at grocery parking lots. I told my husband that repulsed feeling comes back to see him fondling or know that he's played with himself....I gave him the possible reasons as I have you.

I don't like to obsess over things that aren't going to harm our marriage but I need to get some insight or advice from you here as to understanding how to get over this or help in some way...I appreciate your reading my long ramble blog.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:24pm

Well Grace, there's a couple of contradictions here - the biggest being that you understand how your husband can be aroused when you tell him about you touching yourself, but yet you are repulsed by the same thing in reverse. I'm not saying that you HAVE to be turned on by seeing him, or even knowing he is doing it without you being there, but you should at least be able to see and understand if you do it when he isn't there. It would seem like you might have some lingering issues from those incidents you mentioned. Have you ever talked with a counselor about them?


Oh, and that whole sperm back thing is a myth. The body just absorbs it. He might want to masturbate for the psychological release of it, but there is no physiological need. Sometimes, it is quicker and easier to do it ourselves, as sometimes it would just feel like we were using you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:41pm

I have seen a counselor for 1 1/2 years reguarding our marriage/step-family household.
I have my Dad in my life currently. I may need to vent personaly anger & sadnesss I felt 21 years ago (as a 10 yr old daughter that he left)

I feel like when he masturbates I want to be the one he gets off about or gets off with. I have no problem playing with one another as we lay there together but not secretly....yeah, that "secret" thing bothers me! If I have played with myself I right away or as I am call him at work.

I last year found a website on our history of our computer that my hubby's co worker sent him. It was pics of only women's genitalia....I was floored! This e-mail was opened & hid from me. We have in past, watched a few videos together...but got rid of them as we didn't want it to be overpowering to our sex life. They also can be addictive to some people. I & he didn't want that.

Im a little thin right now. I'm 5"6 110 lbs...can I just be insecure in my life? I lost lbs due to being too overactive in life. I'm trying to get back to 125 lbs. I just recently got a breast augmentation to increase what I had. I had those tiny after breast feeding Mom boobs! My husband loves them.

As a man what do you suggest I do with this respulsivness I feel. How would you feel if your wife told you that? How would you react? Sperm doesn't build up? Do you know where to find that medical info on the computer so that can I print out that info & show hubby?
Much thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 6:18pm

Well, you can scour the internet and of course get many varied opinions on masturbation. DO a search on someone like Dr. Drew, on Discovery Health. The common misconception is that a male simply HAS to release the sperm. Well, if there isn't any sperm to release, then he doesn't have to. It is only produced when the male is aroused, so unless he is getting aroused all the time and not having in orgasm, then there is no "need".


But all this is not really related to your problem, IMO. Masturbation does other things, it relieves stress, the regular kind, it puts one in touch with their body better, etc. Like I said, it is way easier to just get off quickly by himself I'm sure. Many married men AND women masturbate. I still suspect you might have issues other than you think he doesn't want you. Not that isn't a valid one, but unless his masturbation takes away from his sex with you, it probably isn't true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:17pm

There is a phenomenon known colloquially as "blue balls." I know it's real, because I've had it several times, including the night I met my wife, but that's another story.

It happens to me when I've been aroused for a long time, say an hour or more, and don't ejaculate. It's an aching sensation in the testicles that is quite painful for several hours. Eventually it will go away, although masturbation to orgasm makes it go away quicker.

HOWEVER, it only happens when I've been very aroused for a long time, like for example if we've been making out and I was expecting to "finish the job" (which is what happened the night DW and I met--it turned out she wasn't as easy as I hoped, LOL). Without much stimulation, I can easily go a week or more without ejaculating, especially if I'm really busy. And I don't think I'm unusual in that regard.

Bottom line: your husband probably doesn't have a physical need to release his semen daily. However, he obviously likes to. I suspect your dislike of it is based on your negative experiences being exposed to men masturbating. I can see why that background would make you feel disgusted by the sight. I can't tell you how to overcome your distaste, I can only assure you that it's worth trying. If you can learn to support or even enjoy your husband's self-pleasure, I bet it will improve your intimacy.

Maybe you could ask him to do it in front of you while you do a strip-tease or something? That way you would know he's thinking about you while touching himself. Just an idea.

FB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:54am
Oh yes, a striptease! Thats a great idea flyboy, I'll try that one. I surprisingly did a lap dance for him on our couch about 2 weeks ago. He was watching our kids playing in the front yard through our window....that caught him off guard!! He forgot what he was supposed to be doing and took me for a ride. : ) I like that strip tease idea for my husband. I'll let you know how it went this week. You men should do a lap dance for your wives in a thong & shake your stuff!! That would be I'm sure a lot of fun for them!
~Have fun & ENJOY YOUR WIVES!~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:18pm
Your mentioning of your father confuses me a little bit! Did I misinterpreted your sentences,or are you hinting some sexual affinity with your father(hopefully not incestuous),but it's none of my business. Maybe you meant your husband,on your masturbational account. But as you put it:" your"lack of physical realtionship" with your father can be confusing. Other than that,it's not uncommon for men to masturbate,even when they have normal healthy sexual relationship with their wives.
Men respond more quickly to visual stimuli and will become arousedand try to release their sexual arousal through masturbation. I don't see anything wrong as long as my husband has enough stamina to have sex after wards with me. It might be more benfitial,as he will take longer to ejaculate,and i will enjoy more my orgasms.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:56pm
Hi I'm new. As a woman I think it sounds like you are feeling insecure. Why I'm not sure, I basically have to ration my food out to stay thin, I've never had the problem of having to gain weight but anyways. Could it be that you are jealous that someone else is getting him off? Even if it is himself. Just a thought. Mine has too little interest. I'd love to discuss that boobjob thing when you sort this out. I, too, have breast fed 2 kids and have just recently weaned the youngest. Get back to me on that. Tanya.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:34pm

Yes.. I may very well be insecure not due to his being possibly with another woman (I'm pretty sure he's that small percent that won't cheat) but my own fear of his straying away emotionally after he "releases himself" as he says. I very much need to hear & see that our sex life has no problems and that he is very satisfied with my 24/7 availabilty to have sex. Also that he's still going to be emotionally available to me for years to come. I hate that feeling of emtional lonliness I felt as a child. I had others around me but I couldn't feel the connection I had with my Dad at that time of my life.
You can say I have that child inside of me wanting so bad not feel insecure! I fear abandonment.

I only mentioned my Dad in the post as to it being a way I needed to feel "connected & feel good" about something or someone. My Dad left me when I needed him most as a girl going through puberty. I was emotionally close to him as a child. NO SEXUAL INCEST OR ABUSE HAPPENED.
I had no one other than myself so I self gratified myself for a bit masturbating.
I unfortunately, later in life acted out my hurts & fears of abandonment in the rejections of men I may choose to be with to lead a year of premiscuous year with a few men friends of mine.
After 1 sexual incident with my male friend I started dating months before the best change of my life happened.... a baby girl 9 months later. My daughter is 9 years old now. My Step-son is 7. I'm blessed to have the kids. I've made the best of my life out of a sad chilhood I had.

For Tanya my response:
I love my breast augmentation! I didn't want to go SOOOO big that it's obvious I had them done as many other woman look around this world. I have a look of a natural full C cup. I was a nice full B before my daughter than went to a ??? small A it seemed afetr breast feeding. I'm only 5'6 110 lbs small frame. Bigger would've looked hidiously fake on me.
I encourage any Mom to get back the look of nice breasts they may have had before or even to get them if your not happy in the portion you have. Did that cover it Tanya?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:43pm
That's so funny, we seem to be writing to each other on two different topics and I didn't relize it. As for the breast augmentation, I'm still large chested, they are just getting so empty and mooshy! I've been looking into the surgery but still not sure so I'm collecting info. I totally relate to the emotional availability thing you are writing about. Just see my other message I just posted to you! I kind of pick up a vibe that you've been hurt by cheating in the past. Such a hard thing for a female to get over. My experience with it was when I was younger so in a way it was easier to deal with but you just love so passionatly that first time around it really cuts deep. If I ever find out hubby is cheating it will affect me in a whole different way because so much more is at stake. I'd love to be able to get inside mens heads and see whats going on in there.
hmmmm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 8:55pm
I don't know how anyone else feels, but I would love for my fiance to feel comfortable enough to please himself in front of me, or let me join him in the shower or something!!! We have a wonderful relationship & sex is good and very loving, but it is missionary every single time with absolutely no adventure or anything. To get any kind of variety I do take care of things myself when he is at work, but feel like I can't open up to him because he won't do the same. I don't know what your father has to do with this at all. But I would consider yourself lucky that he is being open and honest with you. Better that than thinking it is something dirty or that he has to sneak around about. And chances are pretty good he's thinking about you anyway, so..... : )

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