STD's in Marriage (take two)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2012
STD's in Marriage (take two)
8
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 11:53pm

(I can't open my first post, I don't know why.)

Hello all,
 
Here is a little background on my situation. When I was dating my now husband everything was going great. We were very safe when it came to sex, and always used two forms of birth control. He always wore condoms and I was on the pill. About 5 months into dating the condom broke one night. As soon as we figured it out we took care of it. The very next day we talked about it, and agreed that we would both go get tested just to be safe, and because we both agreed our relationship was getting more serious and moving towards the next step. So we made appointments and before I was even able to go to mine he got the results to his and had popped positive for chlamydia. He told me right away and informed me he had no symptoms. When I went to my doc and told them the situation they gave me the meds for it that day,then did my STD test. My results came back clean and the doc told me I was all good. Due to the little hiccup we decided to keep using both forms of birth control.
 
Flash forward 1 year later and he asked me to marry him! Before the wedding we decided to get tested for STD's again so that on the wedding night we could stop using condoms. We both did and both of us were given a clean bill of health! We fell into newlywed bliss and were enjoying life.
 
About 6 months into our marriage my husband sat me down and informed me he just diagnosed for genital warts. After a lot of research, and meetings with the doc, I now know that there is no way to test a man for HPV unless he has an outbreak. I also found out that the HPV virus usually sits in the body for about 2-3 years before or between outbreaks, so this wasn't an issue of him cheating on me. Honestly, I was never worried about that in the first place.
 
Since the diagnoses I have never had an outbreak and my husband has never had another one. Prior to meeting him I was given Gaurdasil and the docs don't know how well that can protect me, but they agree it doesn't make me immune.
 
My problem is that I can feel myself pulling away from my husband when it comes to sex. It is so hard to be able to enjoy having sex with him, when it is what got me into the position in the first place. I now feel like I am damaged goods. My DH knows I'm pulling away but he has told me he doesn't blame me. It's hard to get in the mood when I have to ask him before having sex if he has checked himself, then the whole time worry about how after we have sex, that for the next 3 weeks I need to check myself for an outbreak. That's the window I will be most likely to have an outbreak myself. I find it almost impossible to not physically recoil when he tries to be sweet to me during sex. I almost want to just close my eyes and tell him to hurry up because I can hardly stand it!
 
(Btw, the doc has already informed us that we both test positive for HPV so there is no reason to use condoms, we should just reframe from having sex during an outbreak.)
 
I know that this could be a marriage ending issue if I can't get past this. I don't want that at all! We have such an amazing marriage in every other aspect. He is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him, yet I find myself wishing a sexless marriage was an option.
 
I am asking for any type of l advice on how to move past this.  Any tips on how to start enjoying sex again? How to bring some fun and be able to relax during? Thank you In advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 9:42am

Hi, PlaneLover. I can understand the difficulty of your situation. And forgive me for pointing out the irony of it when you were about 1000 times more careful than most when it comes to this sort of thing. The most important things to keep in mind are that he didn't cheat on you or betray you in any way AND as you've said he's your best friend with whom you have an otherwise perfect marriage. Obviously, you're both familiar with the drill - him having to check himeself prior to intercourse and you having to check for 3 weeks after, so maybe you can dispense with the formality of raising the issue every time. Discussing the one thing that turns you both off every time you have a sexual encounter is only going to become more detrimental to any hope you have of a satisfying sex life. Beyond that, and maybe just for the time being, could you revert to using condums? If condums protect against the infection, you would then be able to relax and enjoy each other until hopefully, you've made peace with the situation as it is. Finding the person who can provide you emotional comfort and joy for the rest of your life is such a gift so of course, you've been dealt this frustrating challenge to overcome in order to fully appreciate all of the truly wonderful aspects of your relationship. Judging by what you've written about him, I have no doubt it's only a matter of time and patience before things set themselves right. I don't know how much this helped, but I wish you both the best. Please keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 9:49am

Just remembered that condums are of no use to you at this point so sorry about that - for me, posting comments before 10 AM on a Monday morning is sometimes like handing a violin to a monkey and expecting him to channel Vivaldi, lmao. Anyway, I'm sending lots of positive energy and good wishes your way : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 12:13pm

Mav33,

 

Thank you for your kind words. To be honest I think that one of the reasons I am so upset at this situation is because we were SO CAREFUL. I have only been with 4 men during my whole life, and my husband is the only man I have been with without condoms, and this is what happens!!  I am not mad at him, because I know he would have never ever wished this on us. At the same time, I do have anger at the situation, and I have a hard time talking to him about it, because the guilt he feels is palpable in our marriage. So I’m holding a lot of stuff in because I don’t want to hurt him. Just posting on this board has already helped me.

Also, I’m angry that the STD testing gave me false sense of security. I now know that there is no way to test a man for HPV and they won’t test a woman for HPV unless they have an abnormal pap smear. The HPV DNA test is too expensive for most insurance companies to approve it unless the women states she has been exposed.

We do sometimes still use condoms, just for peace of mind. I’m just trying to find the spark again. I think we are so worried about all of this, and I feel like we just can’t really relax and enjoy any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 2:25pm

I have a take on this.

A few years ago my wife and I were in a rough patch.  No sex for over 3 years, once in 5.  Lots of arguing, counseling etc.  After a few months of counseling, things seemed to be improving and we were becoming intimate again.

One morning (ironically after a session of unprotected morning sex) I was using the computer and it started to autofill a search and it was for WebMD and genital herpes.  A few weeks later I saw a card for a new OB-GYN and then a few days after that she had a prescription for Valtrex.

We had been together 20 years and I was not unfaithful.  I never brought this up as things seemed to be improving, but I made damn sure I had plenty of condoms. After this she resisted my overtures to perfrom oral sex on her.  It became manual for her, a bit of oral for me, roll on the condom, missionary, done.  Pretty rote stuff.

We have since regressed to living as classified ad roommates and remain together for the kids.

I would love to hear some opionions on this situation.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 11:57pm

To Plane & Spun, you are both faced with a similar situation. I think you have to figure out the answer to one big question in order to find your way forward... Did or  would your partner cheat on you ?! This will help determine what risk you are facing and whether it is worth taking..

As for what you may have picked up right now, it is serious but it is the a current reality in your relationship, and rather than try to depair too much about it, try to understand its full scope, get the facts on cure,treatment or management of the condition: A big question is can the condition get worse with continued sexual contact?   

Find support in each other, as long as the person did not cheat to bring this home, we can be angry at them for what they brought into our life, but remember a very large percentage of the adult population in the US has Herpes and don't know it. So if they were part of that number, they are victims too. This is now a shared burden. And to Plane, you are not "damaged goods", you are part of that big percentage. The main difference is you have knowledge on your side.

Now if they cheated to bring into your relationship, then you have to ask the big question, are you willing to take the risk? A lot of people worry about broken hearts when it comes to infidelity, but the bigger concern should be the things out there that can very negatively impact your health or even kill you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 11:18pm
Genital warts? Isn't that fairly harmless? Doesn't a large percentage of the population have that? Over 30% of the population or something? I think that you are getting worried about, well, maybe it isn't "nothing" but it's as close to "nothing' as you can get. How would you be handling something far worse than HPV? I suppose that you wouldn't be handling it and the relationship would be over.... Look, I don't know what to say. You know that you need to get over this. Take some time and thank your lucky stars that its such a harmless STD. And you can't live in fear of catching it from him since you've both got it now. Just keep telling yourself to move on. This is real life and sex isn't always airbrushed with no wet spot like the movies. I suppose that you'll get over it. You had better because if the relationship fails you've got to start from scratch again and the next guy may have a lot more than HPV in his pants.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 6:17pm

if his testing before the marriage came back positive, would you have not married him?

I'm reading what you're saying and I have to ask: are you planning on remaining married to him for the rest of your life? Because I can see having those feelings if you were dating him and wanted to not be with him anymore, but that "in sickness and in health" thing that you vowed to remain with him through is now in the way of that. 

From what I gather about it, it's a treatable condition, so your doctor may prescribe a course of therapy that will address them and minimize their occurances.  So seeing that that is the case, it might be a good idea instead of punishing your husband to instead explore this together and get it treated and grow more close to one another because no one is being rejected for something they didn't know they had.  That will do more damage to your marriage than the warts will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2014
Mon, 09-08-2014 - 12:17am

Hey there.  My husband was my only lover, abd that was saved for marriage.  I trusted he was truly tested for std since his last sexual relation.  3 months after marriage I had warts! I was devastated. Doctors wiped me down w vinegar then gave mea series of gardasil shots. My warts went away within a month and I've not had anymore in 6 years, nor has my husband had any accept 1 little wart which triggered mine. I would try and rest easy. If u all are monogamous,  the other risks that come with hpv are minimal. It could be a low risk strand of the virus,  especially with gardasil in your system.