Strange Problem!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Strange Problem!
7
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 3:55pm

Hi All,

I could really use some insight here. My DH and I have been happily married for 3 years. We have an amazing marriage and are the best of friends. We hardly ever fight and have no real problems to speak of right now...other than sex.

It's not that we don't both want it or enjoy it b/c we do. I believe both of us to rather low libidos, but we are content with that. What has happened is this..

Somewhere along the recent road, we have literally gotten nervous about starting things with eachother in bed. (One night that I cant even specialifcally remeber, things didnt pan out for us and it was just one of those awkward times) but no big deal) We are scared that it will "fail" and that one of us will feel bad afterwards. We just cant get started, like we are 2 bumbling virgins or somehitng!

When we do have great sex, it seems to be when one of us wakes the other one up at night (when the other person doesn't have time to overthink things and just goes with it)

Any experience with this? We have "fallen off the wagon" so to speak adn I am very interested in getting us back on it. I have heard all of the "just go for it and things will get better" advise. But that is a lot easier said than done when 2 people are self concious about the current state of things. it seems the more we talk about it, the bigger the issue becomes which is not at all what I want!

We arent even stressed out about this bc we know it will work out, I was just curious if you all had any real ideas for me.

THANKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:21pm

Instead of waiting and starting things in bed, start little foreplay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 4:55pm

Perhaps a date night? Dinner, a little wine, a movie to relax you guys. Seems to me that you need that chance to get comfortable with each other again. But go into the date with no expectations, just what it is - a date night. Just a thought?

BTW, my DH and I have had one of those "awkward" moments before, and now years later, we have found a way to laugh about it.

Newbie32

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:29pm
Unfortunately, I think it's up to you to turn things around. I think most problems in guy/girl relationships are up to the girl to at least start to fix. You just have to muster it up and be assertive and get things going. There is this great book called something like 101 nights of great sex by Laura Corn. Its a lot of fun to "read" and I would recommend it to anyone. How it works is you go over the "rules" with your spouse before starting. Its kinda a game. You're both supposed to pick 1 page a week and no matter what the page says, you have to perform for your spouse. It's great to get things started and the ideas are a lot of fun, different things. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:46pm
We've had this problem a lot in our marriage and I find the best thing is to say there doesn't need to be sex that night. Tell him you just want to cuddle. Usually within half an hour we're at least having gentle, slow sex. Sometimes you have to trick him in to it. For the first couple of times you may JUST be cuddling but nothing wrong with that right?
Also, there is also the book 101 Nights of Great Romance by the same author. He gave it to me for Valentines 7 years ago and it's not even close to being done but it helps.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:11pm

Hi Laura!

What your experiencing is the problem most people have with EVERYTHING. And that problem is expectation. We have a certain expectation of how things are "supposed" to be rather than allowing them to be whatever they are. For example, most people who have been to a few weddings have been to at least one wedding where the bride (usually it's the bride)completely falls apart because the flowers aren't exactly right, or the gravy is wrong or the music didn't get there on time...basically she's spent years thinking about how her wedding is supposed to be and is so upset that it does not fit her "model" that she can't enjoy the wedding as it is and to her it is" "Completely ruined!" When no one else even noticed that the flowers were yellow rather than white.

Keep in mind that lovemaking is not some kind of a contest...there's no one that you need to compare yourself with, and no "right" way of doing things. Besides making babies, sex is simply adult play...that's it.

Basically you need to get out of your heads. Rather than planning sex for tonight (or whatever night) plan on giving or recieving a full body oil massage from your partner or for your partner or both...there's no way to "fail" at this. You put some towels down on the bed, light some candles, warm some oil and then just gently rub each others bodies with oil...that's it. Don't expect anything more than the pleasure of intimacy and a nice massage. If you naturally make love, great, but if you don't you don't and that will be great too. Keep your attention on what is happening and the sensations in your body rather than your expectations or his. If you notice yourself start to become anxious it will be because you have drifted back into your head. When you notice that, effortlessly move your attention back to what is going on in and on your skin.

If you can get to the place that you deeply understand that this challenge that you're facing is just the nature of having a mind, then you will be able to take this situation and apply it to the rest of your life and life will be even more enjoyable.

Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:35am

It sounds as if a few "failed" sexual encounters between you husband and you have left the two of you fearful of more failures. I'm assuming that your husband became "limp" and wasn't able to finish.

Dwelling on your failures CAN be the cause of more failures. it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think that you are taking sex too seriously. Sex should be fun. We all have times when things don't work out as well as we hope, but then you should just laugh about it and not take it seriously.

You two are stressing yourselves with you self consciousness about a few bad sessions. it happens in all marriages. How you handle them is the key to getting back into the "groove". Good luck and don't take sex so seriously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 3:29pm

A couple friendly movie (porn) and some wine usually helps us out of our ruts.