That's It?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
That's It?
24
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:37am
Okay, so befor I left for work last night both the kiddies were actually asleep, which never happens. DH was watching the amazing race and I decided I'd give him oral b/c it had been awhile. A couple of seconds into it he turned the t.v. off and I finished him off within a couple of minutes (yes, I am that good!TEE HEE!) and right away he puts his pants back on and turns the t.v. on again!!! Hello? What was that!?! It kind of made me feel like a common whore not his wife. Am I alone on this? I didn't expect any more sexual activity as I had to leave but you could have acknowleged that I was there! Do I have any right to be a little upset by this or would that be overreacting?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 12:43pm

I'm speechless! I, ah, don't know what to tell you. My DH would be so overwhelmed that he probably wouldn't remember to turn the tv back on. (I don't do it all the time - I try to keep him guessing)

So putting myself in that situation - I would be upset. So he said nothing at all? No - thanks, that was great! I sincerely can't think of what I want to say! I'm not often speechless.

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 4:09pm
I would be furious! My DH rarely gets oral (of course he doesn't give it either) so he would surely have atleast tried to have sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 2:59pm
Seems very odd that he wouldn't even acknowledge that you were there. I can understand zipping up and no further sexual activity (from time to time anyway) but to basically ignore you like you weren't there? That's odd. Maybe he was tired and distracted in the first place and just didn't think? Sounds like his brain must have zoned out for a minute after the orgasm.
Tell him what he did and how it made you feel and warn him that what he did was a sure-fire way of making you not want to ever do it again. A short, sharp warning shot across his bow should be enough to make him pay more attention next time regardless of how tired, vague or inattentive he might be feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 6:59am
I think he was just being a self-centered, inconsiderate, reality t.v. obsessed jerk! But your idea sounds better. I told him about it the next day, to which he made excusses like he automatically does when found at fault for anything, then later came up and appologized for it. It's not a huge deal, not somthing worth fighting over. It just seems that the longer we are together the less emotionally involved he is in our relationship. I told him he'll have to earn his next b.j. and maybe I'll make him wait a long time, he should be lucky I do it considering the effort he's been putting in. He agreed.LOL.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 10:08am

Just more evidence Tanya - that you guys just need to work on communication. I know I hammer this point to you ALL THE TIME, and you're like I KNOW JOEL LAY OFF BUDDY! LOL


Anyway, I can't remember who started the concept of the "love language", but the basic concept is that not only verbal, but non-verbal communication towards your loved ones, comes from not only what you say and do, but what you DON'T say and do, and how the other person reacts. So, by you WAITING until the next day to say something, you give him "permission" to do that, since because you waited to bring it up, it seems like its not that big of a deal to you. That is just ONE example about how things work.


Now, mind you - I'm not saying he was RIGHT to react that way!!! No way, P - I - G is the first thing that comes to mind. If MY DW did that to me, I am sure I wouldn't even think to turn the TV OFF, much less turn it back on again!


But seriously T! This isn't something you can fix overnight, but you guys REALLY need to at least start! Whether it be a counselor, a book, a friend - you NEED to do this Tanya! I want a New Year's resolution from you!!! Otherwise, you are just going to be typing the same posts, different day, saying the same things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 6:39pm
So here I sit ashamed...I thougth I was doing so well but you are right. I should have brought it up right away, but I'm tired of talking in circles about this. I keep saying we need to go learn to communicate but we can't seem to get it togethter. In our defense, we did just move and Christmas is here. I have been busting my butt, I have also been looking very hard for a sitter. In the new year, we are going to make this a priority. Speaking of, has anyone gone to a RETROVILLE WEEKEND?
Joel, if you would just be here to help me out I wouldn't be in this situation!LOL. I was doing so well until you stared dealing with your own life! I don't know how to do this!
Just teasing! Don't yell at me for that please.
I'm embarrased that I just keep posting the same messages every day, I didn't relize. Sorry for being redundant. I guess it is the same problem coming up over and over again. :O(

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:22pm

Here's my two cents, so take it with a grain of salt. If he's not making enough of an effort and you are making too much - perhaps, back-off for awhile. Don't make such an effort, see what he does. I'm a little new but maybe this has been mentioned before and tried and hasn't worked. I thought it was worth mentioning.

This bothers me b/c some of this sounds similiar to my best friend's situation. Once she backed off he came around, but it took some days. He finally realized that he wasn't the center of her attention anymore and she wasn't going out of her way. That's when he finally approached her and that's when the Shi*t hit the fan! She flat out told him exactly how she felt, wanted and needed. It was totally up to him next.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 6:25am
Your advice makes perfect sense...just not for us. If I don't initiate sex, nothing happens. If I don't MAKE him discuss our relationship, it never gets discussed. He will go to extremes to avoid having a talk and openly admits he hates it. He says there is nothing wrong with it but if I'm not happy then something is wrong. I jokingly refer to him as the tin man. His whole family is very closed off and unemotional, mine is very large, loud and opinionated but also very warm and loving and will go out of their way to do nice things for anyone. What gets me is, mostly upon his urging, we have a sponsor child, give to the angel tree at Christmas, volunteer in our community, donate money to varous charities and he is adament he wants to adopt a child from Africa in 10 years and talks about having a calling to go do relief work there. Yet he can't discuss our marriage? He says he loves me (rarely!) and is a devoted husband and father, I just want him to make our marriage a priority. To him, if it ain't broke, don't fix it! We're going to counselling in the new year if I can find a sitter so we'll see what he/she has to say. Maybe I'm just expecting too much.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:42am

You shouldn't have to ask your husband to make the marriage a priority - it just should be. And if you think this is expecting too much, then, and I say this sadly, you and your husband must want different things. I know there are times when it gets pushed to the side but as a whole your marriage should come first above all else - even your children. If your marriage is not intact, then everything else tends to fall into the wastebasket. I'm not saying that your children aren't as important as your marriage b/c they are, but if your not happy with your marriage it will affect your children and so on. Children pick up on everything! I think you understand what I mean and that there are numerous times when children come first.

It took me a long time to realize that I had to take time for myself. My best friend kept harping on me about this point. She was sooooo right about this. If I'm not happy with myself, it also affects the marriage and children. I decided a year or so ago to set aside time for ME. Yes, I take time out for me - my down time! I usually spend this time reading b/c I really enjoy it. My DH is just now starting to understand this point, took awhile and a lot of communication b/c he thought I didn't want to spend time with him. Now, when we put the kids to bed we each have an hour that we do whatever we want by ourselves. Then after that hour we come together to watch tv together or whatever, but that hour gives us each time to unwind from the day and just think about ourself. This time alone is not spent cleaning up or anything of that nature - but something you enjoy. I love baths so sometimes I take a very long relaxing bath.

Anyway, I'm rambling - so the counseling thing sounds wonderful and could be very helpful even if he doesn't go. You need that time for you. Make him stay home with the kids and you go for yourself! Take time for you!

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:32am

Well T - I wasn't trying to shame you!


I know it's hard, babe. And I know that things are crazy, and it seems like YOU are the only one trying.


((((((((((Hugs))))))))))


But (yes, you KNEW there was a but, didn't you!?!?), I was just trying to point out that even some of the things that YOU do and say enable his behavior.


I know it's hard getting your DH to get on the same page. You've done a great job on the board telling your stories, and while I've been told I'm more observant than most men, still - I know how important this is to you. You need to do the same thing w/ DH - he needs to know how important this is to you. You've convinced me.....now convince him!


And that is GREAT about the babysitter! I know you'll find one. I can't stress HOW important it is to get away, for just a while. You should even think about it just for you too - go out and have some Tanya time....just like Newbie said about the counseling.


What is a Retroville Weekend?


And please Tanya, honestly, we're here for you, and don't be embarrassed to post messages about your problems - it is a great way to get the frustration out.

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