Wanting to be more adventerous

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wanting to be more adventerous
4
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 11:32am

I think that I am far more adventerous/kinky (for lack of better words) than I think my DH really knows or believes me to be cause I am always hesitant about trying new things (though I think how much fun it would be in private and can get excited thinking about them)... just nervous. I have a great imagination, have fantized about lots of things, role-play you name it but I am worried that he will think some of it is silly or won't believe me when I tell him. I say he won't believe me only because I think he would be under the impression that I am saying all that to make him happy. He has expressed boredom at times (so have I). Right now it doesn't help that I am PG and he works 6 nights a week but I want to try. The one thing that my DH and I have always said is that we disagree on just about everything but the bedroom is what keeps us together. We have viewed a few adult movies together and that is ok with me, but I am ready to do more. I can count on one hand how many partners I have had... 3 were 1 time things, so my DH and one other BF are my only experienes.
I know he is getting bored/frustrated now cause he has been to a couple of adult bars and I would rather keep him home with me!! Getting excited and aroused over/with me!! My pregnancy hasn't been easy and I don't have a lot of energy but my Doc has decided to put me on PT work so hopefully that will help my energy level.

So I started discussing some of this with him. My DH came up with making a list of all the things that I would want to try. He told me that for him he has tried just about everything he's wanted to try (either with me or in other relationships) and now knows what he likes but is all for helping me to find what I like (even role playing and dressing up) but I confessed that I thought a few of mine might seem weird or strange to him and he said well make a list and we will find out. I don't just feel comfortable blurting everything out to him... I think that he sees me now of more of a mom and wife and not the cute, tiny thing I was when we dated... That is my own hang up though I think. For example (please tell me someone else has had this thought) I think of being taken by suprise... almost forced (not necessarily a rape) but not really knowing the person who I am with or not being able to see them... Ok, yes I think that is weird and I am too concerned with what my DH would think of doing that. He told me he isn't into bondage or anything but I would like to be tied up/blindfolded (I did tell him that one) so I think that would be out for us.

One other thing that bothered me was that he wouldn't tell me what he has tried or what he likes so that we could try them again... I thought that was unfair that he wants to know and help me but I can't know what his experiences have been (cause I tried telling him, what if I would like to try it?) He even says that he felt too like for the first 5yrs of us being married, I wasn't even interested in learning how to do oral (I don't mind it, but I never thought much about the way I did it or didn't want to learn about good ways to do it) though he says now I am great at it but he doesn't think I was interested in learning for me to have the knowledge... I was only doing it for him... I said that it wasn't true (do you have any ideas how much I read on the topic and then tried to remember so I could try out what I read). So I don't think our talk went well and I confessed that I am a wife who is bored and I don't want to stay that way. I told him that I thought he was bored too and will he be happy this way?? Cause I won't. I don't know if I did damage cause he wouldn't talk about him or his experiences or even what he would like me to do for him!! But he has always been the one to suggest that we try a new position or something slightly different. Before him, my experience was very "teenage" in the sort where it was quick or hurried... do you know what I mean? So now that I am wanting to branch out and try something new and different...

I guess I kind of felt shut down when I wanted information from him and was looking for him to help me brainstorm on it.

Anyway, despite all of that, I did make a list and then added in it what I liked that he already does to/for me and things that I missed that we just don't do anymore. I also told him in the letter/list that I want to be more spontaneous (hard with 3 kids I know) and missed the fun we used to have... that sex was fun and not something we should pencil in. I told him that I wanted our kids to look at us in 20 yrs and say, "Ewww you two still do it?" I know this could be a rut but I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am not happy with the same old routine. We work different shifts so that is also hard... he is awake when I should be asleep.

I did give him what I wrote down and last night he asked me (sort of off hand), "So do you have any ski masks?" I guess I must have forgot the fantasies that I listed cause I looked at him blankly and he said, "you know blindfolds, masks... that stuff." I said no, laughed and said, "I guess I need to start a costume trunk huh?" and then the subject kind of dropped cause he didn't reply.

So was the list the right thing to do? I am not sure what else to do. I admit that when we got together, one of the things that attracted me to him was that he was so sure of himself and so great in making me comfortable and making sure that I was satisfied first... which in a lover was new to me. He has always made me feel this way. We've been married almost 10yrs and I feel like we are hitting a slump or getting into a routine that neither of us really want.

Any help? BTW... I lurk all the time... just a big chicken and not the most experienced as you can see. THANKS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:33pm

Well Honeybear, welcome out of lurkdome! I think making the list was a good thing. I know how hard it is to juice things up when you are PG. My DW has been PG 18 out of the last 36 months, so we were definitely getting a little repetitive in our sex. That's just something you have to live with I think. Sure, we did some fun things, some things a little different, every time wasn't the same. But especially in the last trimester, you probably aren't as flexible!


But I think it is really great that you are trying to come out of your shell. You could even take the lead and pick up a blindfold and tie yourself to the bed and be there waiting when he came home (just an ida to get you thinking...I know you said you had three kids, and it probably isn't possible!). I DO think that he should reciprocate though. It's only fair, and if he thinks you trying new things is just to make HIM happy, then you would think the same thing - him trying all the things on the list is just to make YOU happy. And just because he's "done something already" doesn't mean he can't talk about it and do it again! Maybe he doesn't want to talk about the past because he thinks you might get jealous?


If you can get him to make his list, then maybe every once in a while, when you have more time, you can do something on your list, then next time his list. And since a lot of this stuff is new to you, don't fret if you try something and it doesn't really do it for you - try again. Sometimes the mood needs to be right for different things.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:13pm

Thanks for that. It is nice to have a guy's opinion on this. One thing that I can't wait for is to not have to get up for work on a Friday morning, this way when he is off the night before, we can spend that late night alone time. It seems like that is the only time we have alone is if I stay up late with him but being PG right now is hard to do.

I realize that I have my own selfconscious issues to get over and I don't think that he knows what to do with me when I get in that mood. So I am trying to work on it by looking at myself in a different way but I too can see that mom/wife image and it is hard to think of myself as sexy at times so I think that I have let things get routine too.

I do think that he doesn't discuss the past because he doesn't want me jealous and I will admit that I am that way from time to time. Another thing that I wonder is if it is possible that he won't discuss with me on the thought that I would be self conscious thinking he had done it with someone else and isn't liking it with me the way he did before. (which is true, I could see myself questioning that... hard to get out of that mindset).

But I know that things need a makeover. I have thought of picking up a book of positions to get some ideas and maybe play a game with or try out. I have even seen some positions listed online that I have thought of printing and then highlighting the ones I want to check out.
I think that it's wonderful he thinks about making me happy but I don't want to make him crazy over this or seem like I am obsessed with it. I just think we need to get back to having fun again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:29pm

Hi Honeybear,

One of the things that my wife and I did on our anniversary a few years ago, is that we took a whole weekend (yep dumped all for kids with Grandma and Grandpa) and got a really nice cabin in the Wisconsin woods. My wife had purchased this game KAMA SUTRA and we played it on the second night that we were there. It takes a LONG time to play and you really get a chance to try all sorts of things: Position, oral, manual, makeshift toys etc. etc. before you (ahem) finish the game. It was fun (exhausting) and we learned that there were a lot of things that we enjoyed that we weren't even aware of and we have been together for almost 20 years.

Games like this are all over the place, even in a stores like "Games by James" as well as adult stores. They're fun and easy and you don't have to come up with things to try.

Good luck,
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:49pm

Good afternoon Honeybear,

Oh my gosh, I could have sworn that you were writing about me! You sound exactly like me about four months ago. DH and I talked one night over ice cream sundaes that we both want something more “bedroom wise”. I, too, am PG and due in 9 weeks, so perhaps it is the hormone surge that is bringing these desires out. But that night I was unable to give him any specifics mostly due to embarrassment. This is also the time that I discovered this section of message boards (I have been a member for 3 years when I joined an expecting board for DS). I realized that there were other people out there that were actually doing things that I had dreams about. I was always afraid to say anything to DH, not really for the embarrassment of the act, but the fear that I would really enjoy what I asked him to do, especially things that are considered “taboo”.

So one day at work, I checked our home e-mail account and DH had sent me an e-mail with a question in it. I found it easier to answer his question over e-mail rather than person. So I would answer his question then send a question back to him. We kept this thread of e-mails going on for a while, and little by little things we discussed started happening in the bedroom (or not in the bedroom as some of the cases had been). We have now covered topics from positions, to masturbation, to taboos, to voyeurism. We have discussed what we would do to each other or request in certain situations, we have discusses what should be kept fantasy and what could be made a reality, and we have discuss and even made purchases of a few different toy items.

Through all of this I realized that I am becoming more open to trying new things and DH and I are both totally comfortable discussing this face to face rather than only over e-mail. I think the list is a great place to start and hopefully will start working for the two of you. Being PG during this time has limited what we can do right now, and we are both really looking forward to when this belly is gone!

Best of luck!

Gracey

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