~We need help~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
~We need help~
5
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 10:01am

Hi there,
I'm new to this board. I definately need some help/support/advice/tips. I am 25 years old, engaged to be married in less that 3 months to my fiance who I love with all my heart. We have been together for over 4 years and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Our problem is with sex. We hardly have sex anymore. :( Since our daughter was born, I just haven't been in the mood too much??? My poor fiance! I just can't seem to find the energy to even get in the mood, nevermind DO the act. This obviously causes some tension between us and I totally understand where he's coming from, but how do I get myself back in the "groove". LOL. We've already attributed part of my lack of interest to the fact that I'm exhausted. I work full time, sell avon part time, take part time courses through correspondence, do the majority of the cooking/cleaning/shopping, take care of my daughter and am planning a wedding. I need to learn how to relax, how to let people help me and how to enjoy my fiance, but that's easier said than done. I'm trying to arrange some time for just the two of us because I don't think at this point we have a relationship together apart from our daughter, if that makes any sense. I pretty much know what our problem is, but don't know how to go about coming up with a solution and working towards it. Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated and I hope I can stick around for support, vents and tips any of you can give.

Thanx
~L~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:58pm

Dear L,

What you are experiencing is pretty common, especially when you have children. However, there really is only one answer to this...you have to be able to let go of some things so that you can make your relationship with your fiance' a priority. You can cut down on your workload some by asking your fiance' to help you with a greater load of housework and/or do more of the planning for the wedding; then find something that you can let go of for awhile. Do you absolutely need to have the income from Avon? Do you absolutely need to be going to corresponence school right now? Maybe one of those things you can give up, at least for awhile.

Ultimately, this is about priorities. Their have been studies done that state that the number one gauge of happiness and fullfillment in life has to do with your personal relationships (and that's true for both men and women). Make your relationship with your Fiance' a priority and be willing to give up something in order to do that. If you do you will get much more in return than what you sacrificed.

Good luck.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:45pm

I swear I was going to say this even before I read Scott's post.

-Pam

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:02pm

You are going to have to learn to say NO. Don't take on any extra responsibilies and if possible cut back on the ones you already have. Take time for you, time for your daughter, time to ENJOY planning your wedding. Give your fiance things to do with the wedding and turn loose of some of the tension and stress.


Once you start to feel less pressured, rushed, and harried, then you might find that the sex comes back and gets better - b/c you won't have ten things running through your mind you think you should be doing instead!


You need a nap!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:43am
I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. They are very helpful and assist me in realizing I need to focus on fewer things in order to relax a little. I'm not sure why I feel the need to always be doing something, but it's definately there and it wears me out. I have already talked to my fiance about my feelings and he has agreed to help me out more around the house, with the wedding and with our daughter. He has also suggested I get out on my own more. We have Saturdy from around 3 ish until Sunday morning alone :) That hasn't happened in awhile so it'll be nice to spend some time together. I hope to stick around, learn a few things and start to focus on what is really important
Thanx again.
~L~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 9:25pm

Dear "L"

I read your message and just wanted to say hang in there girl. Your fiance sounds great. It's so sweet that he is really trying to help. I bet that's why you're marrying him.

You know you are under stress with everyting going on and your life about to enter a whole new chapter. It is a little scary but I bet everything will work out just fine. I just think that it might be nice if you did get to enjoy some of this lead up time. Why don't you ask your fiance if he'd mind helping you relax. Maybe Saturday night. It might be fun for both of you.

Good luck.

Ellen