Weight gain and frequency

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Weight gain and frequency
10
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 11:08pm

Hi there! I've been lurking and and I have a question. Married men, is weight gain unattractive? Enough to affect your sex drive? My husband and I have been married for 13 years next month. Our sex drives differ, mine is higher than his and always has been. We tend to fall into this pattern where we have sex like newlyweds, and then dry periods where we'll go months without. I don't want to go into too many details about why, it's a bit of a touchy subject I don't think is fit for here, but I gained some weight about a year ago, a fairly significant amount (about 40 lbs). Since then, our sex life took a nose dive. We've been going months in between and I find myself so worried that he doesn't find my attractive, that I just can't enjoy it.


Now, my out look on myself has gone down, let's face it, I can't blame

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 5:26pm

thanks for your reply. Yes, he has gained a little weight that he can't seem to lose, and he is exactly 40, just turned in January.


This is honestly a question I've been wondering for a very long time, so thank you very much to everyone who answered. It's been very enlightening.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 5:15pm

I'm a high libido male, and I think that most men, if given the choice of either a chubby wife who is frisky and enthusiastic in bed, or a perfect body wife who thinks she is undesirable and is unenthusiastic in bed, would definitely choose the chubby wife (I hope that my wording isn't offensive).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mon, 06-22-2009 - 9:50am

You've already gotten some great feedback so I'll be brief in giving you my male's perspective.

Chances are the weight gain is not 100% to blame.
You stated that you "don't feel sexy". There is nothing sexier to a man, than a woman who truly believes she is sexy. That sensual attitude is FAR more an aphrodisiac than physical beauty.

If you can't convince yourself that you're sexy and desirable, then he's certainly not going to pick up those vibes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 1:46pm

That's it exactly. The problem for me, and as I mentioned, I'm loathe to mention this here (b/c it's not a pleasant topic and I don't like making people uncomfortable), but I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I'm just so stressed out that my eating has gone out of whack. The weight I gained was at a particularly bad time period. And losing it is hard, because I'm so emotionally drained most of the time that exercise is just another chore to do. Some days I just have the energy to exercise and yeah, I'm older now, so losing it is likely trying to pull teeth, it's just harder now.


And then I get to feeling down on myself. I don't feel sexy, so I don't blame my husband at all for not wanting sex. I definitely don't flirt the way I used to, b/c I don't feel sexy. So I think to myself, *I* hate the way I look, why should he be any different? And then I see him not wanting any and I always wonder, "is it my weight?" It's like this awful perpetuating cycle.

 

 

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 1:31pm

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Feeling that way about your body is hard. Especially when in the past he's told your weight gain was an issue for him. Most of us gain weight as we get older, especially after children. It's often a lot easier said that done to lose weight. Because of a lot of health problems, I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. It does get me down, some days more than others. I feel better about my body when I have clothes that fit well and flatter my new figure. Even lingerie.

When a woman is hating her body, possibly feeling ashamed of it and trying to hide it, it's hard for her partner to get through that wall she's put up. If the vibe being sent out is "I'm too fat to be wanted and desired" then it's no wonder her man might seem distant. It's cliche, but confidence IS sexy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 1:16pm

thank you, very much, for your thoughts. They were appreciated. The way we are with each other hasn't changed, and I KNOW he loves me and our life together, just the sex has gone down. For some dumb reason that matters to me. LOL But, I have begun trying at least to get healthier. Thanks for your idea, about buying something for me. I haven't had the guts yet,

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2008
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 12:49pm

My DW gained weight, but it never bothered me. I gained some as well. But IMHO when you love each other, those insignificant things should fall by the wayside. (For me anyway)

Maybe he might be keying off your uncomfortableness with your weight. This may sound trite and it is certainly not meant to be, but try going and buying yourself something that makes YOU feel sexy....not for him for YOU.

Then you can get yourself into a sexy frame of mind and attack him! Chances are if you dont make a big deal about the weight, chances are he won't either. And just go for what you want.

Just my personal opinion for what its worth!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 1:29pm
thank you both for your thoughts on this. Logic tells me it's just me, I don't act the same lately and that's it's also stress and of course natural to ebb and flow. But my low self esteem has always wondered, and I honestly just wanted to know

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 11:16am
For me it does not matter. I married the woman all of her flaws and all of her graces. Our sex life fluctuates like yours we go through dry spells and fits of unbridled lust. DW has always had self esteem issues and recent problems with her reproductive system and resulting total hysterectomy shut her down for a while. When she is like that I lift her up and try to make her feel that she is loved. I always want to have sex with her.
Since the surgery we have been steadily improving our love life and without the worry of a unwanted pregnancy we have been more adventurous.



-Gerry-







-Gerry-






iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 7:26am

Hi joannes0. It's nice to meet you.


I'm not a man, but I would seriously hope not. Although, if you don't feel good about yourself and don't feel sexy, that could be coming across to him. May I ask, have you tried dieting, and/or exercising? Is it medical issues that have caused the weight gain? Personally, I know I feel like that all the time. It's something that you need to work on for yourself, first and foremost.



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