what are the signs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
what are the signs?
5
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:09am

What would you say to be the signs that a man is no longer interested in you?

I have been married to a man for almost 20 years. He cannot bring himself to compliment me physically or sexually. If i was to dress up for him in a way that i know he finds attractive he looks like he is awckward in saying anything like "you look hot" etc. Even if I was to go get my hair done or anything he says really quickly when i arrive home that it looks nice and never says anything else about it> However he has no problem whatsoever complimenting other women. He doesn't compliment them sexually mind you but if someone would to change their hair colour or something to that effect he would say "oh, that looks nice. That colour looks really nice on you". Where if I were to say "i don't know about this hair colour" I would get something like."it doesn't look bad" or "it looks fine". I know that he goes on the intranet. And I know what men look at on the intranet. I am fine with that. And me myself am up for just about anything. I am not a jeolous person or insecure but I have a feeling that his craving for the intranet beauties is overriding me. I know he has a secret email address and he has changed his password for the email address and the computer just weeks ago. Also, he loaded a picture of himself onto the computer (one that he feels is a good one of himself). He says he put it on the because he wants to start to play around with photoshop etc.

I don't know guys......what do you think?

confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:34am
I think the two of you have to sit down and talk about your relationship, tell him your concerns and talk about your feelings for each other.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:53am

I agree w/ Tish. Is this a newly changed behavior? The compliments, or lack of, I mean. Was he ALWAYS like that? It would seem that there is probably something missing for him, and there's a chance he might be afraid to say anything.

Definitely sit down and have a heart to heart about it. Don't be accusatory or anything, don't go into it trying to make him feel guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 7:58pm

Dear Leslie,

You sound frustrated and a little scared for you relationship. I agree with Tish, you need to talk to him and maybe get some help.

Would it be true to say that he was complimentary before you got married? Men and women as a rule think differently. Men compartmentalize their thoughts...they use specific parts of their brains to think about certain things; women tend to think more holistically...in other words, they use their entire brain to come to a conclusion. When a man is VERY compartmentalized in his thinking, he can't see all the different sides of his wife. He has a hard time seeing her both as a loving spouse (pure, maternal and nurturing) and as a sexual being (sexy, beautiful, lustful, sensuous). When that happens, even if you try to show your sexy side, he might ignore it or in a worse case scenario even get angry, because showing your sexy side does not fit with his image of "wife". Wife should be pure, nurturing etc. Of course his sexual side still wants to express itself so he finds "whores" (not a real person, but an image that he can project sexual qualities on). It's my belief that that is why a lot guys get addicted to porn, because they deny their partners sexual side.

Both men and women create their first archetypal images of male and female and base them on their parents. If he lived in a household that was particularly sexually repressed, his image of wife (his mother) would be completely asexual.

This is a bit of Karl Jung combined with Freud theory, so as in all theories they are incomplete...but it might give you some insight into what is going on.

Anyway, just a thought.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 8:45am

Hi

Thanks Scott

I appreciate you imput. He still seems to have an interest in me sexually. He tells me what turns him on etc. However if I was to take all the info he gives me at put it into action he can't even compiment me on it. Example....he like lingerie that makes a women's breast pushed up etc (I will spare you the details)...if i do it he doesn't comment on how I particaluarly look like that. example 2 when engaging "activites" and week or so ago. Lets just say i was doing something to him. While i was doing it I barely got a moan. After it was over i sat down beside him on the bed. Now i would think that he would have maybe kissed me and said that it felt good or something along the effects of that. I got a "thank you"....???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:33pm

Hi Leslie,

It sounds like your frustrated and sad because you have a need for appreciation that is not being fullfilled. It sounds like you want him to tell you using words and actions that you are loved, appreciated and that he is attracted to you.

We all speak different languages when it comes to love. In other words, what makes him feel loved is not the same as what makes you feel loved. Unfortunately, most of us assume that our love language is the same our partners and often it is not. What I would suggest is to find out what specific things make you feel loved and appreciated. Write them down and then talk to him. Literally tell him that you feel sad, because you have a need for appreciation and these are the things that specifically make you feel appreciated. I recommend not asking for "muddy" things, like I want you to appreciate me more...in his mind he may be appreciatinging you a lot...he may just want a thank you when does something that you like and so he assumes that's what you want. So be specific..."I would love if you would kiss me after we make love..." Or whatever it is that would make you feel loved.

It sounds like your husband may have a difficult time expressing emotion with you and it would probably be a great service to your marriage to get some help from someone who can look at this tsituation a little more from the outside. Even the best marriages can benefit from a little counseling now and again.

Good luck.
Scott.