what changed for you?

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
what changed for you?
16
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 10:30am
I think anyone in a long term and committed relationship continues to grow, change, expand their comfort zone and willingness to explore and experiment. I doubt anyone starts out in a perfect relationship and doesn't always have room to grow. Where there special circumstances or events that kick started major changes with you or your partner? It could be anything... pregnancy, kids growing up, weight loss, therapy or even a loss. I'd like to hear stories about how people here have made things work.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 10:46am
DW and I were working on our marriage (and our sex life) long before I first wandered into the village, and will likely (hopefully) continue doing so for many years to come. We view it as a journey that we're taking together, rather than a hypothetical state of perfection to be attained and then maintained. While there were no major 'trigger' events for us in 2008, at least relationship-wise, DW has now reached a point where she's more comfortable exploring her sub side, beyond the scope of just bedroom games. I don't yet know where this will ultimately lead us, but I'm thoroughly enjoying the journey, as well as the company of my traveling companion.


Avatar for littlemascara
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Registered: 05-11-2003
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 11:20am

I agree... it's never perfect and everyone should always be careful not to take things for granted. I have no idea what perfect looks like and I doubt I ever will. That doesn't mean I don't expect happiness and comfort.

My DH and I have had several breakthroughs. I met him when I was 19 and we started dating when I was 20. I had been raped and in an abusive relationship before him. Plus, I have a mental illness. I had to do a lot of work to heal from that. For years, I could NOT give him oral because of the rape, even though I had enjoyed it before. Most of the first therapists I saw insisted we constantly talk about the rape and abuse. Later I found a much better therapist who told me I didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to. That was such a relief to have "permission" to let it go. I was finally able to see talking about it every week (and reading/doing those STUPID, awful "Courage To Heal" books) made it constantly "real" and I couldn't move forward. I empowered myself to release the past and kick those demons out. I was finally able to reclaim my sexuality and enjoy giving oral, and other things, again. That was when I was about 25.

Later when I was almost 30 DH started to travel a lot. I had 3 kids by then. When he was gone, we would talk a lot on the phone and began to have phone sex and talk about fantasies. When he would come home we were all over each other. We agreed I could explore finding a woman to have an intimate relationship with (I had been with women before). That took some time, but I finally met a wonderful woman I saw for about 3 years, and she sometimes joined DH and I. She and I are still friends but not lovers.

Then, last JAN 11 (to be exact!) I discovered his affair. It's caused more damage than I describe. The betrayal is so deep and so far reaching, on many, many levels. I'm clawing my way out of the pain, slowly. It's like 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. I hope we make it, I feel like we will. I hope the work DH has to do now on himself and what we do as a couple will take us to a better place. Knock on wood.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 11:44am
I am more than a little familiar with that "forward/backward" shuffle myself. Hopefully, over time, your forward steps will come to outnumber the backward ones.

The only real deal-breaker for me would be if one of us stopped trying, and bailed on the journey we're making together.


Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 12:03pm
well, exactly. DH immediately broke off his affair, entered counseling and has made an effort. I am making my best effort at trusting him again. it's a long road and very painful. there are times I feel vert close and times I am ready to crawl under a rock and die. My friend's dh cheated and wasn't willing to fix anything, so they're divorced. Stupid jerk, he lost a great woman and he regrets it, mostly he regrets getting caught. DH regrets getting caught too, but he is genuinely remorseful for the damage he's caused. "I'm sorry" only goes so far though, so we're trying.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 8:17pm

I had to do a lot of growing before I entered into a relationship with Master. When W/we met online 10 years ago I was coming out of a horrible marriage, where I'd been physically, emotionally and verbally abused, I had attempted suicide, he had attempted to murder me, etc. I had built a wall around myself that was so high and so thick that I didn't think any man would be able to breach. I was shattered emotionally and wanted nothing to do with men. I was slowly rebuilding my life and had gone back to college at the age of 35. When W/we met online it was Master who was the one to do the pursuing and bit by bit He began to break through that wall. Things weren't good at the beginning for other reasons and W/we almost divorced within O/our first year of marriage. But W/we remained together and worked on O/our relationship.


He was there for me when my father died, when I was diagnosed with diverticulosis, when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, when I recently went through a cancer scare, when my mother came down with pneumonia right before the holidays. Through it all W/we have remained steadfast together. Whether or not being a BDSM couple as get U/us particularly close or not, I don't know. I suspect it does, though. And also it's because W/we are right for each O/other. Master has always been there for me, even when I have pushed Him away and lashed out at Him; He has been there.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 10:54pm

Oh Lordy, where to start.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:19am

TK & MC,


I was fascinated by your and your Lady's story...I've heard bits and pieces in the past that you've both posted, but to have it laid out start to present was very helpful in understanding it.


Thank you for sharing it...I wish you both well on your journey...

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Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 5:14pm

that is a lot to share, I imagine it's not so easy to do although you are very articulate. I do think the more we can share difficult things the easier they get. I do understand a lot of what you shared. You two have walked an uneasy road with a lot of stumbling blocks along the way. I know what that is like. I am bipolar too. When I lived in MA from 1988-1992 my depression was TERRIBLE, I also had SAD because it's so grey and dark there. I lived in a total dump of a town. I had moved there to attend college, and my HS BF followed me. He had become abusive and controlling. The only time I ever attempted suicide was there. I finally managed to break away from him, but I needed a restraining order and his expulsion from school for attacking me to do it. I started therapy shortly thereafter and was in with a REALLY bad therapist who only focused on SA that happened as a child. She basically defined me by that, got me in w/ a bad pdoc who misdiagnosed me and put me on bad meds. She had me read all The Courage To Heal books, and I think the books combined with her made things 100 times worse. If I had not been with DH I never would have finished college. He had an affair the summer we got engaged. That was an extremely difficult time for me, my brother was diagnosed BP after a very scary incident. He is BP I, so he hallucinates and hears things and it is really scary, I didn't understand mental illness like I do now. Even now it is still very frightening when that happens to him. We've had a good marriage, he has been patient and kind and helped me through some difficult times. Unfortunately the planets seemed to have aligned in a bad way the last few years. My health totally declined, my niece attempted suicide, our oldest DD was severely depressed and DH just checked out. A person who had been a friend picked up on our fragility and it was easy for him to have an affair with her. She is truly a sociopath, something I knew even before I discovered their affair. I could actually see his relief when I confronted him about it because it ended the affair for him. He didn't have the balls to do it himself. It has caused so much pain and devastation. He's been in therapy (I've been in therapy for 20 years) and on Monday we started couples therapy. I feel like we'll get through this, but it doesn't make it hurt less. It would be easier to kick his ass out. I'm go to try the best I can and hope our family can get healthy again.

Thank you for being so open, that does take courage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:12pm
Thank You.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:44pm
For me, sharing/talking about things helps me sort things out; My Lady not so much.
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