What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2013
What should I do?
11
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 12:18am

M 55 married 30 yrs. years ..... ( maybe 10 years ago )  my wife started pulling away. Not wanting me to touch her or kiss her.....Sex dwindled to once a month....The longest without physical contact was probably 3 months....  Its obvious she is not attracted to me any more but she "says" that she loves me. We still talk & laugh together but. Is this the way I want to live out my life without physical contact....We used to hug & kiss all the time....  Do I give up 30+ years of marriage & financial security? I have tried to spice things up with no success.... 

????? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 2:19pm
Sometimes you don't think you clicked post ... and you reclick
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 2:05pm

Don't know why that posted twice.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 2:03pm

I started reading some of the replies but nothing was really jumping out at me....

I'm guessing your wife is the same age as you. MENOPAUSE.. 10 years ago she would have been mid 40's and that's usually when it starts, though all us women are different. Lots of women when they hit menopause lose all sexual desire. Sex will hurt from lack of lubrication. Maybe she was embarrased to tell you, I don't know.

When was the last time she had a complete physical? Medical and gyn? Does she take any meds, have any medical conditions, high blood pressure, depression, etc? Ask her to schedule a complete physical and for her to allow you in the room while speaking with the gyn.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 2:03pm

I started reading some of the replies but nothing was really jumping out at me....

I'm guessing your wife is the same age as you. MENOPAUSE.. 10 years ago she would have been mid 40's and that's usually when it starts, though all us women are different. Lots of women when they hit menopause lose all sexual desire. Sex will hurt from lack of lubrication. Maybe she was embarrased to tell you, I don't know.

When was the last time she had a complete physical? Medical and gyn? Does she take any meds, have any medical conditions, high blood pressure, depression, etc? Ask her to schedule a complete physical and for her to allow you in the room while speaking with the gyn.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2011
Wed, 02-26-2014 - 12:34pm

I will add controversy here.  She's emotionally beaten you and you're left to scraps.  She knows she can syphon off sex and you will sit at home on the weekends and drink beer.  

3 years ago, I was you.  I'm 48 and my wife basically shut down to sex at that time claiming it came from lack of libido and menopause. She went through the motions and I traded sex for doing extra chores around the house.  She controlled the when/where and how.  I read, a LOT of literature and dedicated on how to reverse the trend.  I will share some of the tips with you below.  Some people here may not agree, but don't be deterred -- all that matters is your confidence, your happiness and your well being.  Hers will fall into place when you rediscover your awesome self. 

This sounds counterintutive, but I want you to reinvent yourself.  Here's some tips.

New wardrobe.  Go to the mall and go get some fitted jeans -- not from levis and not on the rack.  Go to aeopostale, nautica, hollister and try those on.  Amazing what a great pair of jeans that hug your ass does.  Get a tighter fitting shirt as well.  This will emphasize that for your age, height and weight, you're attractive to others.  Additionally, if you've got the money, get a fitted suit with a kick ass tie.  Even an old suit with a tailor who makes it a slim fit suit-- no pleated pants will make you look and more importantly feel MONEY.  

Walk with longer strides and shoulders down, head up making lots of eye contact.  Smile at people you don't even know, especially those of the opposite sex.  Hold that eye contact and smile for a second longer than you should.  Confident people do this.  Pause when you get asked a question and embrace the silence while maintaining eye contact.  You're already fit, now lets get that mind back to that alpha male that other men want to emulate and women want their men to do it.  

Next, think like you were single.  If you were single, you would put yourself in a target rich environment.  You would take a cooking class, line/swing dance or go to lots of fit women hang out.   All you want to do is improve yourself and talk to people who spark your curiosity.  Join a gym and talk to people on the treadmill.  Find out about them.  Learn non verbal cues and ask open ended questtions.  

When speaking with them. Be interested, not intersting.  You're learning a new skill.  You're growing confidence daily and this will show at home.  She'll notice you've stepped up your game.  

I also want you to become more dominant at home.  Not angry or pushy or anything, but do not reward her bad behaviour with compliance.  Look at yourself as a sex partner.  Do you notice a pattern when she actually complies with sex monthly -- just before a period, align with the tides, paychecks and did something trigger her that you can successfully repeat. 

On a more personal scale, does your wife orgasm together?  Some women like intercourse, but only have clitoral orgasms.  Other women want wave and wave of vaginal ones.  If you're not getting her to that state, introduce a vibrator, but spend the money on a hitachi wand or lelo, not a battery powered one.  

If you're thinking she won't go for it, she will.  Women want 4 things for great sex from their man -- dominance, variety, emotion and immersion.  If you'd like I can go into each and some steps.  

Finally, find one quality in yourself you would like to fix and devote yourself to it.  I constantly work on keeping my temper in check and found that using focus groups really helped me.  

You can do this.  The only thing that's different between a groove and a rut is how you look at it! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2011
Wed, 02-26-2014 - 12:34pm

I will add controversy here.  She's emotionally beaten you and you're left to scraps.  She knows she can syphon off sex and you will sit at home on the weekends and drink beer.  

3 years ago, I was you.  I'm 48 and my wife basically shut down to sex at that time claiming it came from lack of libido and menopause. She went through the motions and I traded sex for doing extra chores around the house.  She controlled the when/where and how.  I read, a LOT of literature and dedicated on how to reverse the trend.  I will share some of the tips with you below.  Some people here may not agree, but don't be deterred -- all that matters is your confidence, your happiness and your well being.  Hers will fall into place when you rediscover your awesome self. 

This sounds counterintutive, but I want you to reinvent yourself.  Here's some tips.

New wardrobe.  Go to the mall and go get some fitted jeans -- not from levis and not on the rack.  Go to aeopostale, nautica, hollister and try those on.  Amazing what a great pair of jeans that hug your ass does.  Get a tighter fitting shirt as well.  This will emphasize that for your age, height and weight, you're attractive to others.  Additionally, if you've got the money, get a fitted suit with a kick ass tie.  Even an old suit with a tailor who makes it a slim fit suit-- no pleated pants will make you look and more importantly feel MONEY.  

Walk with longer strides and shoulders down, head up making lots of eye contact.  Smile at people you don't even know, especially those of the opposite sex.  Hold that eye contact and smile for a second longer than you should.  Confident people do this.  Pause when you get asked a question and embrace the silence while maintaining eye contact.  You're already fit, now lets get that mind back to that alpha male that other men want to emulate and women want their men to do it.  

Next, think like you were single.  If you were single, you would put yourself in a target rich environment.  You would take a cooking class, line/swing dance or go to lots of fit women hang out.   All you want to do is improve yourself and talk to people who spark your curiosity.  Join a gym and talk to people on the treadmill.  Find out about them.  Learn non verbal cues and ask open ended questtions.  

When speaking with them. Be interested, not intersting.  You're learning a new skill.  You're growing confidence daily and this will show at home.  She'll notice you've stepped up your game.  

I also want you to become more dominant at home.  Not angry or pushy or anything, but do not reward her bad behaviour with compliance.  Look at yourself as a sex partner.  Do you notice a pattern when she actually complies with sex monthly -- just before a period, align with the tides, paychecks and did something trigger her that you can successfully repeat. 

On a more personal scale, does your wife orgasm together?  Some women like intercourse, but only have clitoral orgasms.  Other women want wave and wave of vaginal ones.  If you're not getting her to that state, introduce a vibrator, but spend the money on a hitachi wand or lelo, not a battery powered one.  

If you're thinking she won't go for it, she will.  Women want 4 things for great sex from their man -- dominance, variety, emotion and immersion.  If you'd like I can go into each and some steps.  

Finally, find one quality in yourself you would like to fix and devote yourself to it.  I constantly work on keeping my temper in check and found that using focus groups really helped me.  

You can do this.  The only thing that's different between a groove and a rut is how you look at it! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2014
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 10:59pm

Of course, my question is what did she say when you asked her why she is avoiding intimacy with you.

You have told her it is very important you two discuss this at length and in detail, yes? You have told her you are upset and unsatisfied? I remember hearing songs about people being surprised when someone leaves a dissatisfied relationship, and one of the people is surprised and was never aware the person leaving was unhappy. I always wonder how that could happen.

My wife does not like to communicate. But she did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2013
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 1:04am
My weight unchanged for 20 yrs. I'm 5'9" 180. I eat healthy and in good shape for an old man. Our kids are grown & out of the house. I changed their diapers & cooked for them, they were my #1 priority when they were growing up. My wife works part time, I do 90% of the yard work, fix the cars, work 5+ days a week 8/10/12 hours a day as needed. Florida 2013. One thing that I know that she doesn't like is that I drink too much beer especially on weekends. But if I'm going to sit on the couch by myself Saturday nite I'm going to enjoy myself to some degree. I never miss work because of drinking or go to bars or drive drunk.
Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 8:53pm
Rhd: I sent you a PM.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 12:09pm

You also need to take a LONG look at yourself in the mirror.  How is your hygiene?  Do you need to bathe, brush your teeth, fix periodontial problems, clean your nails, wash your hair, lose a significant amount of weight?  Are you EQUALLY INVOLVED in who takes care of the kids and the pets, shops, cooks, cleans, does laundry, does yard work, does house repairs, and looks after the cars?  Does your wife work outside the house too?  Do you have problems with your kids?  Is she looking after elderly parents?  Do you fight about things other than sex?  Do you expect your wife to be thrilled for sex when she falls into bed exhausted at  11pm?  Is your wife healthy?  When was the last time you took her on vacation someplace SHE wanted to go, or out for dinner, to a movie, to the ZOO, or bought her an unexpected present( a vaccum doesn't count)?  Have YOU made her life happy and financially secure?  I'm sure the answers to these questions will clear up the reason for her reduced desire.

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