Where To Start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Where To Start?
24
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:00pm
Hi guys! I'm brand new here. I am a happily married mom of two boys, have been married 6 years and with hubby for 11. Now that we don't have any more little babies around and have adjusted our lives accordingly I find myself with a couple of hours of alone time each weekday. You all seem to be having great married sex. How? I feel my husband just looks at me like a mom now. I have always had a stronger drive than him and he's getting a little older (31 now) but still...I need some help getting us back on track. We very rarely are home at the same time as he is gone about 14 hours a day and I work nights plus we don't use a sitter.Ever. Where to start? Only the tamer suggestions to start please, we are more than a little rusty. Thanks!!! Tanya

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:21pm

Welcome Tanya!


I'd guess the place to start is to actually get you two in the same room together!!


Seriously, you NEED to make time for each other. You can't just be apart and disconnected all day, then run into the sack when he gets home. A 14 hour day is tough on anyone. Find a babysitter. Go out. Reconnect. Do something romantic.


Sex just doesn't begin in the bedroom, it happens all day. Leave him a sexy note in his briefcase, on the mirror, email, wahtever. Just to let him know you've been thinking of him in "that way." Snap a sexy photo of yourself. Tell him you played with yourself and thought of him. Give him a sexy kiss when you see him, slide your hand down the front of his pants. Flirt. Tease. Little things like will start to put a sexual charge in the atmosphere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:42pm
Somehow I knew I'd get my first response from you:). That's the problem, I do all of that stuff. Alot. I'm considered attractive by other men and he does tell me I am, there just isn't much action following that. I want it all, not just the sex stuff. If I try to bring up "us" he will half jokingly tell me I can go buy myself something if I don't make him have "the talk". I know he loves me and am pretty sure he isn't messing around. He is interesed in it when it does happen. I want him to be tuned in to the relationship, which will take some getting used to, it has been 7 years afterall. I know you're right about the babysitter thing, I've looked but can't find anyone that fits. Maybe that should be my first step. Ladies, any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:38pm

I really DO think a lot of this is just coming from the fact you guys can't spend time together. There are a lot of community boards out there that have babysitters on them, Craig's List, or something like that. Also, if there is a local college nearby, they might have someone. Some daycare centers also have babysitting available, as do YMCA's. You can even check with some of your coworkers who might have older kids that could do it as well.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:44pm
Great Suggestions. Now my advice, you need a weekend away together to reconnect. We spend the other night away (we found places for all three kids - friends sleepovers) and we has a business retreat then after dinner - it was our retreat in a hotel! Yes! We started off playing a game called "The Sex Game" ($7 at Borders) and it loosened us up for more intense play later. DW is a little laid back so I am the encouraging one, but once it was only the two of us, well the game helped us get naked then the suggestions on the playing cards of the game really opened the communication and then we had a great night and it carried over into the next few weeks. We are now planning to get away at least 3 times a year to PLAY! You have to make time for you two and reconnect. We never got away once the kids came along, then we were invited to a wedding in Virginia and the kids were not invited. Wow, what a few days away to reconnect. Now we do it at least twice a year now moving to 3 times a year. It really makes a big difference. We also play adult games when we are not too tired from running kids around and we have fun (opens us to new things or gives us the opportunity to tell each other about thing we want to try - a card would say "Tell your partner what you would like them to do to you" or "Tell your partner what is the sexiest thing you want to do to your partner" - leaves the door wide open or wisper in you lovers ear what turns you on or what you want your partner to do to turn you on or What do you find attractive about your partner?
Lots of fun, but the key is alone time - the game reduces the stress and creates a low pressure situation in a hotel room rather than the typical badda boom then it is done as if you were at home. Make it fun and make it special, then he might want to do it more often.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:44pm

Sounds to me your kids have been your world for awhile....Your hubby possibly feels left out & has possibly adapted to the lack of sex or even time you have for him to just connect socially am I wrong or right...Maybe?

Do something differnt each day so that you'll get something different each day....
" A CHANGE OF LIFE WITH HIM "
you let me know how it goes...try tonite.
Need ideas. Ask us/me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:28pm
I love you guys already. And you're all right on the money with your suggestions. But go away without the kids?!! Have you lost your ever lovin mind? tee hee. That's moving a little fast for me. Let's work on getting a sitter and going for coffee first. The thing is, I'm not sure how open I'm allowed to get here, I had a fair bit of experience with adventurous sex before I was with hubby. He on the other hand was a virgin by choice. He is a good looking guy with a brilliant mind but very straight laced and shy. Do any of you remember the t.v. show Darma and Greg that was on 10 years ago? That was us to a T. After I had the kids my sex drive slowed down a bit but now it's coming back with a vengence and I'm bored. I'm also at home with the kids and daycare kids and no car all the time. I know, find a friend or a hobby but there is sooo little time. Anyways, I really want to start with the affection thing first. It just doesn't seem to cross his mind even when I drop cute hints or come right out and tell him what I need. I threatened a couples retreat the other day! He's amazing in every other way but he's emotionally dead. His entire family is like this. Do I just have to accept this or can I hope for more? Any of you married to tin men (or women)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:56pm

Hey this is gracesaved me again...Did you read my response to you about my breast augmentation & etc?

So was I right? The kids became your world & husband was put on the back burner.
I can just tell you this "act your way into a feeling DONT feel your way into the action.
A pastor of mine told us this.

You change without the expectation(s) of him changing with you right away. He may have become settled for now but trust me I also HAD an unemotionally available husband at one time too. I have really rubbed off on him. We are going to be married 4 years tommorow & we're A STEP FAMILY...Did you know we are supposed to have already become divorced going by statistics I've read. I have continued to be the new me even if he wasn't on board yet. One day it just happened to him, without any nagging or comments it happened!!
I stepped back & watched my behavior rub off on him & it did. I was contagious. I had faith in God to see him through the change. My in laws are BLAH too....I was not going to turn into them. Do you suppose he turned you in to him over these last years you have lost that close connection? Just a thought?

1st is 1st he knows now clearly what emotional & physical connections you want with him. Next, try to ask him what you can do for him to make him feel desired or loved more. We can so easily get stuck into the rut we've created, but if we were'nt always there to begin with then it's a choice to be able to get out back to the basics of a true loving marriage. I've been researching myself & others behaviors for 7 years now. I have gained soooooo much iundeerstanding of people & myself. Feel free to ask me more questions if ya like.

from 1 stay at home mom to another,
There are 2 things why we dont' change CANT or WONT

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 2:07pm
I just wrote you a long note and then did something to lose it. Did I mention that I've only been on the internet for a week and a half? I really feel a connection to you, I guess because we seem to be sort of in the same situation. I remember reading up on that whole "work on changing yourself and you get the thing you are looking for" concept a few years back when I was on a person spiritual journey. I think you nailed it right on the head. We've been through a tough few years with his career taking him away alot and financial stuff with the second baby. But last month we sold our house and moved to an apartment because it just got to the point that it wasn't worth it. I was devistated at first but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I actually handed bedtime duty over to dad and went and had a long bubble bath with candles and music and then spent an hour in bed thinking about where I was going with things and journalled a list of ideas to work on our marriage. Like I said, he's an amazing man we just got off track.
He's working on it too though even if he doesn't talk about it, since we've moved he has brought me flowers and a silky nighty! It's been a long time.
I also know what you are talking about when you speak of your dad. I've been estranged from mine since I was about 18 because I grew up in an abusive family. I hadn't spoken to my mother in almost 5 years until September and I finally gave in and adked if she wanted to see the kids. It was hard to not let that inner teenager out and just say screw you but I had to think of my kids and what they were missing out on. I still haven't gotten over not having a father around. He was never really invoved anyeay. I still find myself yearning for a dad and being quite jealous of other women. I wish those men who walk away from thier kids relized that those kids never really heal from that. In all honestly, that's why I'm like that with my kids. I just love them so much I feel like I could explode!
I guess this isn't raunchy enough for this site huh? Should I bring up positions or something? Tee hee.
Oh and yes I got your message about the surgery. Thanks. Still researching.I've never had so much as a stich so the thought of being cut really scares me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 2:35pm

I also feel the same connection. I actually just found this by accident. I then joined. It was fate huh? It doesn't surprise me though. God had it meant to be that I meet a good girlfriend of mine on the internet. We live 45 minutes away in S. Califonia. We are close to this day & talk almost every other day on the phone. We met close to 3 years ago on a parenting message board where we both needed to vent but over all the people who posted, she & connected. I took a chance in giving her my number & so did I. I may have ended up connecting to a MALE....if she wasn't honest. I let my husband know about my posting & that I met a young mom/women. He also said to be careful about the info because he works for government (law enforcment) so he knows best! I was so blessed to have met her. We are like best friends now & our problems we vented about were meant to be...I've never had a friendship like her until she came along...

I actually didn't read all your post you sent yet, but saw you sent me a personal post so I'll do that & write you back in a bit!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: tanyasd
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 3:08pm

Ah yes...I've done that recently where I erased a long message I meant to send to a friend over the miles. What a frustrating thing huh? All that time & thought you put into a message & loose it. I need to type slower maybe.

My daughter has a flakey father. They have contact but he's selfishly moved back to N.Calif where he was born & family lives. He said he feels better being near his area & wants to be there when he starts a family of his own with his girlfriend he's shacking up with..... UGhhhhh doesn't he realize his daughter IS where he starting a family? A great girlfriend or mature one would move here for him so that he can continue trying to have that relationship as he started to for a year of the 4 he was here.

He is very self thinking as you might be able to I had known I wouldn't have had sex that 1 time we did (we were barely dating 6 months I would've never known him that good by then )
I would have never done so....however I can't imagine life without my daughter, so I'll take that 1 sexual encounter & run with it & the life I have now.
I made/make the best life I can for her with my husband being a great role model for her & along with my step-dad & my own Dad.

Young women tend to try to marry or date those who are like their Dads....to those who don't have a connection they usually pick what fits. That means a man whos emotionally unavailble. That would make sense why we may have picked our men? They are great men but they are (or for my experince NOW) are lacking with the emotional availabilty.

There is hope for your situation though. Reading mine should give you some motivaion & not become weary in the trying to be a new you or should I say the "old you" BUT having it be okay since your married now ; )

How funny....I also journalize!! I one time was sooo angry with my husband that I just went to my journal talking to God while writing it down. Phewww is that a relief or what to journalize? Its also a way for me to see how powerful it is to say journal prayers versus the worrying...which is useless or helps nothing.

My husband told last night as we talked again about the initiating problem, that he remembers me saying "I feel like a hooker when he always initiates "quickies". I did say that however hookers are to be used for sex...not to be pleased.

That's his fear for lack of initiating. It isn't that I'd say no since he knows already I never say No....but that I won't be getting "into it" so much.
I mean, it's nice to get aroused & have orgasms too but for me unfortunatly quickies just don't get me there! He was just being self indulging I said. He agreed to change this right away now that he understands....Men need to learn how to clarify or mirrow back what they hear us say so that it's not taken wrong. Validating feelings would help too
if they learned how to do that. My husband wouldn't ever go on a message board to get help or insight on a situation...would yours? Does he know you post messages? Mine doesn't.


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