Why am I so shy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Why am I so shy?
13
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 11:29am

Hi everyone,


This is my first time posting here so - hello and TIA to all who take the time to read and reply:).


I am 30 years old and very happily married to DH (33). We have been together for 9 years altogether. We had a serious slump in our sex life for a couple years, but have enjoyed a lot more physical intimacy since I

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Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:01pm

Hi!

You're not the first to share such things. Lots of women feel the way you do. There could be all kinds of things at work. Maybe it's how you were raised (not to speak up for yourself, or you were taught sex shouldn't be talked about), maybe you don't want to seem aggressive, maybe you just want your DH to tell you what HE wants. Since you two are TTC, now is a GREAT time to explore sexually because all you have to worry about is having fun and hopefully hitting a home run! :) Take advantage of your improved libido. You might ask for something simple like more foreplay. Many women find that when they are engaged in foreplay they feel more free to share fantasies and ask for new things.

Masturbation is great. It increases libido, you get to know your body better, what feels good and probably have new fantasies. Does your DH tell you every time he masturbates? Probably not. Even if he did, it doesn't mean you have to tell him. It can be private or it can be somethings shared. It can be both. Masturbation is healthy and normal and between you and yourself. It doesn't need to be anybody else's business unless you really want it to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:07pm
Welcome to the board, Cassie. While your husband is right that you shouldn't feel any more reluctant to ask for things in your sex life than you would a glass of water from him, it isn't going to make it any easier for you to do it. Do you know why you are reluctant to? Was sex not something that was talked about or referred to in your home when you were growing up?

Maybe you need to find a way to talk to him about it that suits your shyness. Would it help if you were in a darkened room, or whisper it in his ear, rather than saying it right out loud. Whispering it in his ear would probably be something he'd love even more, and it could be easier for you, as though you were telling him a secret.

If you masturbate in private, then don't worry. Many women feel it is private, and you are under no obligation to let your husband know you do it. If it is helping you to explore your new found libido and sexuality, then keep it private. There's a reason it's also called "solo time"!

Good luck, and thanks for asking. I'm Nenu, co-cl here along with Meme.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:11pm

Thank you so much for your replies - I already feel a little better:).


I wish I did know where my reluctance to tell DH what I want comes from. It's certainly true that sex was not talked about in my home growing up. When I hit puberty, my mom gave me a book to read (she meant well, but it was not exactly the "warm and fuzzy" approach). There are times when I don't know exactly what I want and just want to go with the flow, but there are other times when I know "exactly" what I want but can't bring myself to say it. It's funny that you mentioned whispering in his ear because he asked me to do that one time a few weeks ago and, while it was kind of exciting, it also felt like the most awkward thing, and I could barely say anything.


It seems strange to me that we are so close in so many other ways, but I have such a stumbling block in communicating this. My shyness also extends to not asking if he wants to try things. He is definitely more adventurous when he is "taking the lead"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 3:15pm

Hello Cassie,


I think that it's wonderful that you are putting in the effort to overcome these barriers to sharing your intimate wants and needs with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 7:51pm

I went through a very similar situation with my DH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 8:43am

Hello Cassie!


glad you posted! very good question!


What I did a "long" time ago was this....I would talk to my DH about sex after we went to bed while the lights were out. it made it easy to talk about it as I couldn't see his face nor could he see mine! LOL! It sounds funny...but it worked! we would talk right after we went to bed with the lights out, then over time the talk came even easier, slowly he would say something to me in the morning about 'our' talk and things started from there. Now after 28yrs married...its simple to talk!


take your time! and do what makes you feel comfortable, there are some good replies here as well!


I hope you come back and keep posting!


Im MEME one of the CLs here along with Nenu!

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Secrets of Marry Sex

memeblue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 8:51pm
Thanks again to all that replied. There were some good suggestions here, and some that I will try. Most of all, it meant a lot to me to be able to post something like this and read thoughtful responses from other happily married people. This thread - along with a discussion I had with DH the other night about the fact that we both came into our relationship with limited sexual experience - has really made me reflect that while we've been together for a fairly long time, DH and I also have so much time to grow together as lovers.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 9:53pm

Cassie...very happy you came back to let us know that you and DH talked! I think its great! I hope you keep posting! ask more questions!

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Secrets of Marry Sex

memeblue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:22pm

Hi. Something that added a little spice to the relationship between my wife and I is a simple card. The bearer of the card is entitled to a 4 hour period where they dictate what happens....kind of a time to be selfish. It can be anything from dinner, to a massage, to.... well i don't want to violate the terms of service. After the card is used by one of us, the other person gets control of it. When one person gets the card, they have 30 days to use it or it goes back to the other person.

It has been a very interesting game. Personally, I find the anticipation of using the card and planning the time to be a hugely exciting. It allows you to ask for what you want and puts you in a situation where saying what you want is the expectation.

I have a very good relationship with my wife and we communicate well. For the game to work, there has to be trust. I found as the card changes hands, we get a little braver and have learned a great deal about each other.

Hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 3:58am
Welcome to theboard, Alex. I'm Nenu, co-cl here along with Meme.




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